Have you ever tried to get someone to change who they are? Maybe your partner or a parent or child?

Sometimes we cling to unrealistic hopes and fantasies. The reality is nobody has all the qualities you want, and people don’t change very much.

Ultimately, you only have control over yourself! Facing reality often means changing your expectations, your situation, or your relationship status.

For example, have you ever felt frustrated waiting for a friend who is always late? Having realistic expectations means expecting your friend to be late. Instead of agreeing to meet on a busy street corner, you might meet somewhere where you really don’t mind if your friend is late or even shows up, like at a party, café or bar with other friends.

What if you’re in a relationship with someone who frequently attacks you verbally, picking apart every little thing you do?  Then working with reality may mean changing your relationship status, that is, finding the strength and help you need to limit the scope of the relationship.

What if you’re in a relationship with someone who frequently attacks you verbally, picking apart every little thing you do?  Then working with reality may mean changing your relationship status, that is, finding the strength and help you need to limit the scope of the relationship.

Working with reality also means giving up complaining and blaming. Imagine you decided to miss an event because your partner didn’t want to go, and now you regret not going and blame him or her for your decision. When you blame others for your decisions, you don’t change reality. You create hard feelings, you give away your power, and you become dependent on the actions of others to achieve what you want. Instead, when you take ownership of your decisions, you become empowered.

Consider whether you might be trying to change something or someone you have no control over. Then think about how you might change your expectations and situation to be more in tune with reality.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD