To sustain a long-term passionate relationship, a couple needs to balance two primary drives—the desire for togetherness and the desire for autonomy. While everyone has a different ideal balance point, it’s clear that the extremes of too much togetherness or too much independence can each generate their own problems.

You might be able to get your partner to stop pursuing their passion of choice, but first ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you want the person you love to stop doing what they are passionate about?

2. Do you want to spend time with someone who feels guilty or resentful?

The fastest way to drain the life out of a relationship is to make someone feel guilty for what they love to do, or to coerce them into giving up doing what they love to do. While we can control and manipulate someone to spend more time with us,  we won’t be getting the best of that person, and we won’t be the best we can be.  

When you feel threatened by your partner spending time apart from you, ask yourself how you could become more self-empowered and re-vitalized instead of becoming controlling and resentful.

Here are three steps to take to improve your attitude and relationship.

1. Be happy that your partner is enjoying their passion. Realize that you will have a better relationship if your partner is happy.

2. Do something you enjoy on your own, whether it’s baking sour dough bread, playing pool, reading, or taking salsa dance lessons. You will enjoy yourself and bring more to the relationship.

3. Make some positive plans together that your partner will want to participate in. “Let’s have a barbecue tonight with some friends.” “Join me by the riverside to try this great bottle of red wine tonight.”

Nothing can be gained by resenting your partner’s passions. On the contrary, you will appreciate each other more, bring more to the relationship, and have more to talk about if you encourage each other to pursue what makes you each light up.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD