If you want to improve your life it’s important to be able to be assertive and speak your mind. However, if speaking up turns into a habit of complaining, you and those close to you will suffer.
Here are ten reasons not to let complaining become a habit:
1. It’s unattractive. When people complain, they focus on the negative without looking for solutions, and they tend to use a whiny tone of voice, all of which is a turn off.
2. You will push interesting people away. People who complain all the time are boring and tiresome.
3. You will attract insipid friends. The friends you end up with will tend to be victim types and uninteresting as they don’t have better things to do than to participate in venting sessions.
4. Your negative emotions become ingrained. Just think about all the things you might complain about—bad service, annoying people, faulty technology, traffic jams. Simply thinking and talking about these things makes you feel irritated. Complaining triggers your negative emotions and ingrains them deeper into your neural pathways as your normal way of thinking and feeling.
5. It is ineffective in improving things. If you want to improve your life, you need to be discerning, and you may have to speak up to change something. Complaining, however, tends to focus on the negative aspects of a situation rather than on how to change it. Instead, focus on how to fix the problem, or, if that’s impossible, change your expectations.
6. It makes the problem worse. What you focus on tends to gain energy and get exacerbated. For instance, if you complain to your partner that he or she is too shy with new people, focusing on it will make him or her feel uncomfortable and constricted rather than relaxed and outgoing, resulting in increased reticence. If you were to focus on his or her positive traits, e.g. being thoughtful or well read, for example, then he or she is likely to feel more confident.
7. It is a waste of time. Complaining takes up time that you could use to enjoy life or to improve it. For example, instead of talking about an annoying friend, you could be calling a friend who is not annoying, going for a walk, working, reading a book, or having an inspiring conversation.
8. It will wreck your relationships. John Gottman found that relationships will be fulfilling over the long-term if 80% of your communication is neutral or positive, that is, appreciative or respectful. If, however, more than 20% of your communication is disrespectful or hostile, then your relationship is likely to deteriorate.
9. Complaining furthers your lack of self-control. When people complain, they are embedding the bad habit of saying everything they think. It is helpful to be observant and discerning. But it is crucial for improving your relationships that you develop the self-discipline not to say everything you think.
10. You will cheat yourself of happiness. Research shows pleasure is derived from anticipating something positive. There’s more joy in improving a bad situation than in complaining about it.
Caveat
If you have a valid complaint to make to someone, it may be important to speak up. Speaking up with a request for change is different from complaining, i.e., venting, making negative judgments, reinforcing victim status, and preventing closure.
If you want to communicate effectively in hopes for change, explain to the appropriate person why something bothers you, and request that a change be made. Pay attention to your choice of words, your tone of voice, and your body language. If that person can’t or won’t accommodate a reasonable request, then take other steps or change your expectations or your relationship to that person.
Conclusion
To avoid the detrimental effects of complaining on your relationships and your wellbeing, focus on transforming negative circumstances into positive ones. Have the courage to take action rather than to complain. Focus on improving your life and appreciate what is already good about it. Your positive vitality will attract people who are self-empowered and your focus on what is achievable will bring amazing possibilities into your view and your reach.
by Dr. Alison Poulsen
Read “Getting over your Victim Story:’My brother got all the attention.’”