Tag Archives: venting

The Insidious Triangle: Should you avoid triangulation?

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“Mo’ Air” — Jonny Moseley by Mimi Stuart ©

Have you ever felt uneasy when a friend complains about his or her partner? Triangulation involves one person complaining to a third person about a primary relationship in order to vent anxiety. They are not trying to gain insight into how to deal with a problem.

Why do people triangulate?

Triangulating someone into your angst-ridden relationship temporarily relieves anxiety. People who feel helpless to change their relationship patterns sometimes seek to relieve their frustration through criticizing and complaining about their partner (mother, son, friend, etc.) Through the power of secrets, they may also temporarily feel connected to the person they are triangulating — a connection that may be lacking in the primary relationship.

However, the temporary feeling of connection and release of anxiety are like the effect of a drug — short lived and you always need more to get the same relief next time.

Insidious

Triangulation is as insidious as mold growing in the walls. While it’s hard to see the destruction, eventually the structure crumbles. In the end, complaining and listening to complaints is emotionally exhausting and corrosive. Being asked to take sides rather than having a dialogue is draining, futile, and brings everyone down.

The worst is when a parent complains to a child about the other parent, which puts terrible pressure on the child. Children generally want any kind of connection they can get with a parent, even if that entails becoming the parent’s confidant. But they pay for their parent’s emotional venting with growing disrespect for the complaining parent and feelings of guilt for betraying the other parent.

Complaining about family or close friends erodes all three relationships within the triangle. Trust fades for someone who complains about others behind their backs. Respect also diminishes for someone who listens compliantly to endless fault-finding.

Interlocking triangles

Often, when anxiety overloads the initial triangle, one person deals with the anxiety by triangulating others into the process, thus forming a series of interlocking triangles. For example, a mother complains about her husband to her son, who then complains to his sister, who then complains to her father. Each person’s alliance is dependent on other people’s anxiety and inability to relate directly to the person with whom they are experiencing problems. This is not a good foundation for life-enhancing relationships.

Life-enhancing relationships

The key to sustaining healthy relationships is to learn both to handle anxiety and to speak calmly and rationally directly to people about one’s feelings, needs and expectations within the relationship. Instead of blaming either ourselves or others, it is far more helpful to become aware of our own participation in the relationship dynamic. Awareness of how we perpetuate negative patterns through our tone of voice, behavior, talking too much, not speaking up, etc. is a prerequisite for change, growth, and wise decision-making.

Avoiding triangulation

We should avoid taking sides, but remain in contact with both sides. We can express neutrality and objectivity, or use humor while relating to the mature part of the person venting. Here are some examples:

“I think it would be more helpful if you talked to him about how you feel, rather than to me.”

“Since we can’t change other people, let’s figure out how you might have participated in this situation.”

“I value my friendship with both of you. So, I would prefer not being in the middle.”

“I’m sorry you’re suffering so much, but I feel uncomfortable when you tell me such private details of your intimate relationship.”

“I don’t feel qualified to give you advice. I think this is something you might bring to a therapist.”

“I think I know how this story is going to go. Do you see a pattern in the situation? Maybe you could do something differently.”

Conclusion

Venting through triangulation diminishes you and those around you. Instead, if you focus on improving yourself and understanding others, everyone will benefit. Asking others for help in how to deal with a situation or to improve a relationship is very different from triangulation, and can be a good way to gain insight into your relationship dynamics. The key is to be open to feedback about your own behavior rather than just venting about someone else.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

People without verbal restraint: Dealing with people who vent too much and gossip about you.

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"Jazz Night" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Jazz Night” by Mimi Stuart ©

“How can I deal with a person who tells the same story over and over about someone who hurt her 20 years ago?
 Also she gossips about me even though I have asked her many times to stop.”

Verbal restraint is a virtue

Your friend’s problem is that she cannot contain her feelings and thoughts when it is appropriate to do so. She cannot resist her impulse to express whatever will get the attention she is desperately seeking. She does not try to restrain herself from venting her feelings of victimhood and from gossiping about other people’s lives despite the toxicity of such behavior.

The bottom line is that she is seeking attention in unhealthy ways and the solution for you is to stop enabling her.

Broken record—victim story

Individuals who continuously vent and complain about a past incident are psychologically stuck and seek relief by venting. Like having a cigarette, the relief from their anxiety is only temporary, and the long-term effects are harmful.

If you can, it is worth telling her in a compassionate way that telling the same story continuously will not help the situation, and in fact will keep her from dealing with the underlying issue and moving on. She is defining herself as a victim, and thereby limiting her own life. Perhaps suggest that some counseling would help her.

You might also gently tell her that she is causing others to see her as unempowered. If she could try to contain her resentment by focusing on improving her life, she would open up new possibilities in her life—talking about interesting ideas, for example, and hearing about other people’s pursuits and passions. As a result, she might feel less need of getting attention for being a victim.

It takes guts to say things like this, but it can be extremely helpful if you do so with compassion.

However, she may not have a strong enough sense of self to take such poignant input, in which case, she will be hurt and angry and you may have to limit your exposure to her. You can emphasize that you are not trying to be judgmental, but that you just want the best for her and therefore wanted to make a helpful observation.

An easier, alternative response is to say something like, “ I have heard this before,” each time she tries to bring up the same old story, and then change the subject to something more inspiring. This may not stop her from venting to others, but over time she might become aware of her tendency to repeat herself.

The simple act of denying her a sympathetic ear may be the best solution because in this case, listening sympathetically without challenging her is harmful enabling behavior. So you may ultimately have to distance yourself from her and the relationship.

How to stop gossip about you

Since your friend is disclosing too much about your life even though you have asked her not to, you need to keep your personal life private! Everyone makes the occasional mistake saying something they should not have. However, you cannot trust someone who continues to talk about you and your private life in spite of your specific requests not to do so. It’s fine to keep her as a casual friend, but do not disclose to her anything personal that you wouldn’t want circulated.

You may want to consider distancing yourself from her. Make other friends, and don’t disclose private details about your life until you really know, trust and are intimate with them.

George MacDonald’s saying is so true: “Few delights can equal the mere presence of one we utterly trust.”

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Read “You sound like a broken record repeating stories about your psycho ex!”


Read “Venting and Triangulation.”

Read “Setting Boundaries.”

Conversations Without End:
“I wish I could get off the phone.”

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"Kiai" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Kiai” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Have you ever wished you could cut short a conversation that never seems to end, but you dread offending the other person and as a result you just keep listening? Tedious and one-sided conversations and phone calls can be draining and exhausting. These sorts of vent sessions, complaining, and gossip can leave you feeling wrung out and empty.

Yet many people find it difficult to end these encounters because they fear offending the other person. Whether the other person is a co-worker, family member, friend, or acquaintance, it’s helpful to know how to enforce boundaries without being rude. The same techniques can be used for ending worthwhile conversations at times when you have time constraints.

Here are some ideas:

1. Mention your time constraint. Often you can give the talkative person a warning at the beginning of the conversation about your time constraints, e.g., that you only have a few seconds, a minute, or 15 minutes. “Hi. I only have a minute.” One minute later, “I have to go. Have a great afternoon.” End it promptly and you will not have the problem.

2. Interrupt. It may be necessary to interrupt the talker, but you can do so without sounding angry or impatient. A matter of fact, polite tone of voice, without being apologetic or unsure works best. “Unfortunately, I have to get going. Talk to you soon.”

3. Be diplomatically honest. If these types of conversations with a particular person are an ongoing problem that you’d like to address, speak of your own feelings without attacking or judging the talker. “I’m sorry not to be able to help you, but I have to tell you that it is exhausting when we talk about these problems so much. I’d prefer to talk about something more uplifting.” Or, “I like to connect with you, but I don’t have much time to talk with all of my commitments to work and to the kids.”

Time is valuable. When you waste time waiting anxiously for a conversation to end because you are trying to be polite, you are not helping the perpetrator or yourself to live a more fulfilling life.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Distinguishing Harmless from Malicious Gossip.”

Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”

Read “I have friends who bring me down.”

Read “The Introvert and the Extrovert: ‘You always stay home!’”

Triangulation:
“My ex can’t stop complaining about me to my child. I feel like doing the same right back.”

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"Counterpoint" by Mimi Stuart
Living the Life you Desire

This is triangulation, the purpose being to vent anxiety, not to gain insight. The worst kind involves a parent who complains to a child about the other parent, creating a lot of insecurity and anxiety in the child.

Children generally want connection with their parents, even if that entails becoming a confidant in this way. But they pay for a parent’s emotional venting with a growing disrespect for the complaining parent and feelings of guilt for betraying the other parent.

If I were the other parent, I would respond to the child with something like the following: “When people are hurt or disappointed, they sometimes lash out at the person they are hurt by. They tend to focus on and exaggerate the negative qualities of that person. You can tell your mom/dad that it’s painful to hear those complaints, but remember that no one is perfect. Here are a few things to be clear about though: This is not your fault. It is not your job to fix the problem or to console anyone. This will get easier. And most of all, we will both always love you.”

One of the greatest things we can teach our children is the ability to withstand anxiety. We can best do this by practicing it ourselves—feeling difficult emotions and yet hanging on to both our compassion and our reason, by understanding why the ex-spouse is lashing out and speaking openly without blame and attack.

by Alison Poulsen

Read “Venting and Triangulation: The Insideous Triangle.”