Tag Archives: stuck in the past

People without verbal restraint: Dealing with people who vent too much and gossip about you.

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"Jazz Night" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Jazz Night” by Mimi Stuart ©

“How can I deal with a person who tells the same story over and over about someone who hurt her 20 years ago?
 Also she gossips about me even though I have asked her many times to stop.”

Verbal restraint is a virtue

Your friend’s problem is that she cannot contain her feelings and thoughts when it is appropriate to do so. She cannot resist her impulse to express whatever will get the attention she is desperately seeking. She does not try to restrain herself from venting her feelings of victimhood and from gossiping about other people’s lives despite the toxicity of such behavior.

The bottom line is that she is seeking attention in unhealthy ways and the solution for you is to stop enabling her.

Broken record—victim story

Individuals who continuously vent and complain about a past incident are psychologically stuck and seek relief by venting. Like having a cigarette, the relief from their anxiety is only temporary, and the long-term effects are harmful.

If you can, it is worth telling her in a compassionate way that telling the same story continuously will not help the situation, and in fact will keep her from dealing with the underlying issue and moving on. She is defining herself as a victim, and thereby limiting her own life. Perhaps suggest that some counseling would help her.

You might also gently tell her that she is causing others to see her as unempowered. If she could try to contain her resentment by focusing on improving her life, she would open up new possibilities in her life—talking about interesting ideas, for example, and hearing about other people’s pursuits and passions. As a result, she might feel less need of getting attention for being a victim.

It takes guts to say things like this, but it can be extremely helpful if you do so with compassion.

However, she may not have a strong enough sense of self to take such poignant input, in which case, she will be hurt and angry and you may have to limit your exposure to her. You can emphasize that you are not trying to be judgmental, but that you just want the best for her and therefore wanted to make a helpful observation.

An easier, alternative response is to say something like, “ I have heard this before,” each time she tries to bring up the same old story, and then change the subject to something more inspiring. This may not stop her from venting to others, but over time she might become aware of her tendency to repeat herself.

The simple act of denying her a sympathetic ear may be the best solution because in this case, listening sympathetically without challenging her is harmful enabling behavior. So you may ultimately have to distance yourself from her and the relationship.

How to stop gossip about you

Since your friend is disclosing too much about your life even though you have asked her not to, you need to keep your personal life private! Everyone makes the occasional mistake saying something they should not have. However, you cannot trust someone who continues to talk about you and your private life in spite of your specific requests not to do so. It’s fine to keep her as a casual friend, but do not disclose to her anything personal that you wouldn’t want circulated.

You may want to consider distancing yourself from her. Make other friends, and don’t disclose private details about your life until you really know, trust and are intimate with them.

George MacDonald’s saying is so true: “Few delights can equal the mere presence of one we utterly trust.”

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Read “You sound like a broken record repeating stories about your psycho ex!”


Read “Venting and Triangulation.”

Read “Setting Boundaries.”

“My ex was the worst….”

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"Mississippi Blues" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Mississippi Blues” by Mimi Stuart ©

Talking about your ex in a disparaging way is tedious and draining to others and reflects poorly on you as a person. Nobody will be impressed that your last boyfriend or ex-wife sent abusive emails or stalked you. They will merely wonder whether you are a victim or a bad judge of character.

If asked about your past relationships, rather than starting on a diatribe of complaints, you could simply say, “We went our separate ways,” or “We grew apart.”

Grow up, don’t put down

Better yet, find a way to view your difficult relationships of the past with perspective and find a silver lining. After all, you were together for a reason and probably got something out of the relationship.

It is often through the very gridlock and troubles in a relationship that we learn who we are and what our boundaries are.

We all live and learn from experience, especially from painful episodes that cause us to grow.

There may be times when you do want to talk about a painful relationship with a close friend in order to gain insight about yourself or the relationship or to share what you have learned. Yet self-reflective conversations are very different from complaining about and belittling others. Remember to stick to the former, where your intent is to understand, grow, gain peace, and become more whole.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen
Twitter: @alisonpoulsen
https://www.facebook.com/dralisonpoulsen

Read “My ex was a psycho!”

Read “My negative emotions bring me down. I tend to dwell on feeling hurt or angry.”

Watch “Why do people gossip, and when is it malicious?”

“Live in the now, not in the future!”

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"Living Legends Wright Brothers"
by Mimi Stuart, Live the LIfe you Desire

Research studies show that individuals’ time orientation influences their “quality and satisfaction of life, relationships, school and work performances, and a variety of other future outcomes.”*

Most individuals are dominated by a particular time preference. Their focus on the past, present, or future is generally determined by cultural influence, upbringing, and personal experience. Each particular orientation has its benefits, but any one in excess can damage the quality of relationships, work performance, safety, and happiness.

1. Past Oriented

Benefit — People who focus on the past can learn from the past and enjoy the nostalgia. If their view of the past is positive — e.g., one of triumph or successful coping — they are likely to have positive expectations of the future.

Problem — They may hang on to grudges, making it difficult to get beyond negative experiences. They may have a limited view of themselves and others based on past events. Dwelling excessively in the past makes it hard to deal with the present or to plan for the future.

2. Present Oriented

Benefit — People who focus on the present are able to enjoy the moment, connect well with people, and experience pleasure. They are carefree, spontaneous, and completely in the present.

Problem — Studies show that people who are dominated excessively by a present orientation are found to be the least likely of the three types to be successful or to find deep happiness. Their inability to delay gratification can lead to reckless behavior, resulting in harm to themselves and others. Impulsive behavior, including addiction, promiscuity and unethical behavior, ironically often leads to a future lacking in pleasure as well as security.

3. Future Oriented

Benefit — People who focus on the future are able to conceptualize long-term consequences, and thus avoid reckless behavior. They take care of their health, finances and are responsible to their family. Planning for the future often leads to a more secure, comfortable, and desirable future.

Problem — Too much planning for the future can lead to workaholism and worry. People who focus excessively on the future miss out on spontaneity, personal connections, and present enjoyment of beauty and pleasure.

Dwelling exclusively in any one time-orientation thwarts overall happiness and effectiveness. Note that your first concern is your present security. If you are being attacked by a grizzly bear, you won’t be thinking about your IRA.

Ideally, we can balance all three time orientations — past, present and future — with different proportions of each depending on the situation. Work may call for greater future orientation, while spending time with loved ones calls for more present orientation, while the lessons from the past may be more relevant when dealing with uncertainty.

It is when we lose sight of other time orientations that we get in trouble. When we make present-day decisions, we need to keep the future in mind (think about drinking and driving, over-eating and other impulsive behavior.) Likewise, when we are at work or doing any kind of planning for the future, it is important to be in the present moment, so we can connect with the people we deal with, enjoy the small moments of beauty, and not let life pass us by. Life feels more embodied, whole and satisfactory if we can stay aware of all time-orientations rather than getting completely carried away by one.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

*Recommended Reading: “The Time Paradox,” in which Philip Zimbardo & John Boyd discuss how the time-focus individuals emphasize greatly shapes how they think and act.

Read “Impulsivity: ‘I knew the negative consequences, but couldn’t resist.’”

Read “Too Responsible to Enjoy.”

Changing your Victim Story:
“My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was never there for me.”

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"Thrust of Imagination" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

We take specific events from our childhood and create a story around them. However, our interpretation of what happened is partly a work of fiction as we view events through our own limited lens. Notice how different siblings experience their parents and upbringings in vastly different ways.

Our childhood experiences can affect us in a variety of ways. When we repeat the same dead stories to ourselves and others, we trap ourselves into being victims of our past. By living our past forward, we avoid taking responsibility for our future.

Once we grow up, we have the choice to let go of the stories we cling to. Psychologist Dr. James Hillman suggests that the soul wants fiction that heals, and that we should take our personal history literarily rather than literally. This means seeing the depth and mythological proportion of the underlying forces that move the people and actions in our story.

For example, rather than thinking of yourself as a victim of your parents’ dysfunctions, you could think of yourself as someone who has found inner strength, unknown capabilities, and a desire to seek new dreams. You could view your experience of pain and hardship as the way in which you found those strengths and dreams you never knew you had.

Instead of locking yourself into the limits of your past, you can use your creative imagination to look at your life through a new prism. When you change your own stories about your past, you create an opportunity to direct your future. By becoming one who has successfully overcome past challenges, you invite inner strength and vitality and can find your soul’s purpose.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Reference: Dr. James Hillman’s “Revisioning Psychology.”

Reference: The Landmark Forum.

Resentment: Read “Resentment.”