Tag Archives: spend time together

“He promised me we’d spend time just the two of us together last night. Instead, he zoned out for two hours playing games. I tried to be as understanding as possible but felt stood up.”

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"Tiffanys" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Tiffanys” by Mimi Stuart ©

When someone has promised to spend time with you but plays video games instead, don’t wait around for two hours and try to be understanding. While it is rarely effective to complain or get angry, it can be constructive to speak up when someone is disrespectful. You could remind him neutrally or even playfully, “Hey, I’m here. You said you wanted to do something fun… Well?”

If he doesn’t stop playing his game, then it is time for you to do something for yourself, on your own or with friends. Don’t wait around to be there at his convenience. Go to the movies, meet friends or go for a walk. Otherwise he will continue to take you for granted, and you will become resentful and less desirable.

While it would be quite easy for you to coerce him into stopping the game and doing something with you, he would feel irritated and would not truly desire and appreciate the time he does spend with you. No one likes to be manipulated.

So don’t be controlling. Yet you don’t want to stand by while he plays video games. Say, “have a good time, ssee you later,” and leave. You are less likely to become bitter if you do something you enjoy on your terms. If you stand by and do nothing, you give him all of the power in the relationship.

When he realizes you’re no longer there waiting for his attention, he will either regret ignoring you and avoid doing it in the future, or he won’t care, in which case, this may be the first step on your road to a more fulfilling life and possibly a new relationship.

If a pattern of disregard seems to be emerging, then you may want to sit down with him and state your needs and desires without being controlling. Explain that he is free to do what he wants. However, you want to be with someone who wants to spend some time together and who appreciates being with you. Let him know that you’re reconsidering if you are right for each other. If he doesn’t seem to care, then it’s time to move on.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Read “I end up arguing with him because he’s usually too busy working to talk.”

Read “Spending Time Together as a Couple.”

Watch “Seven keys to a great relationship.”

Pursuing Connection with a Distancer?
“We never spend time together.”

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Click on the picture below to watch the short video:

To sustain a passionate, fulfilling relationship, a couple has to balance two primary drives — togethernesss and separateness. Often however individuals often end up polarizing into the Pursuer and the Distancer.

When pursuers pursue connection they tend to push the distancer away. Pursuers feel rejected when their partner needs space and they’ll often try to get any emotional reaction just to make some sort of connection. The distancer may finally respond with anger or with resentful accommodation. But neither is very satisfying for the couple.

Pursuers tend to come across as needy. Distancers feel smothered by the pursuer’s craving for more connection and often lose desire for the pursuer. Pursuers need to reduce the burden they are putting on to their partner to satisfy their needs. Instead of attacking and overwhelming your partner, start by appreciating your partner and appeal to him or her by expressing desires in a positive way.

Complaining, generalizing, and attacking put others on the defensive and does not make you desirable to be with. You want your partner to want to be with you not to feel obligated to be with you. Entice your partner with one specific positive request at a time. If there’s an entrenched problem, discuss it in a self-empowered and compassionate way, by expressing your needs and values, without complaining and attacking.

If your partner is always busy or doesn’t take you seriously, set an appointment to talk. Keep your conversation concise rather than long and draining.

Pursuers often look for others to satisfy their deepest needs to be heard, to feel validated and accepted, and to avoid feeling alone. Yet no one can truly fill that emptiness. Psychological duress only leads to coerced togetherness not passionate togetherness. Avoid being the victim and using guilt to manipulate someone to spend time with you.

Distancers have all the power in the relationship. Pursuers need to take back that power, not over the other person, not even over the relationship, but over their own lives, by becoming accountable for their own fulfillment rather than making their partner responsible.

Love means having the self-discipline to respect other people’s wishes and needs despite your own desires. Appreciate the other person’s autonomy. Give the other person the space and time apart necessary to desire being with you. Also enjoy your time without your partner. It makes you a more interesting and desirable person to be with.

In summary, allow there to be some space and even mystery between you and your partner. Be responsible for your own fulfillment. If you develop your ability to be independent and to accept yourself, you won’t need to coerce validation and support from someone else.

Strive for love out of fullness rather than out of need and emptiness. Fullness comes from leading a more full, balanced life with ongoing growth, as well as self-validation and self-acceptance. Give yourself and your partner the gift of having the space to desire you.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen
@alisonpoulsen

Displaced Anger:
“All you think about is your career!”

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"Impact—Out of the Sandtrap"
by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

Have you ever surprised yourself by lashing out at someone you’re not angry with?

If a woman is angry that her husband is too career focused, but she isn’t able to talk to him about it, she may find herself criticizing others in her life instead, such as her career-focused girlfriend.

Her subconscious knows that she’s acting inappropriately. In fact, she may be quite proud of her friend’s successful career. Yet she just can’t help herself.

The vehemence of her criticism does not have much to do with her friend. Perhaps it feels too risky to take up the issue with her husband because she fears losing him. The power of her attacks may be expressing her fears about her crumbling marriage.

Her feelings may be ambivalent and difficult to sort out. Perhaps, she doesn’t really want him to become less career-focused. Or she may fear that even IF she and her husband spent more time together, they would not enjoy being together. Her anger thus gets focused on a safer target—her girlfriend.

The Unconsious

When we are taken by surprise by something we say or do, it’s because an unconscious part has suddenly expressed itself. Such outbursts reveal a struggle between our conscious and unconscious desires and fears.

Displacement is the act of associating one thing with another. You direct an unconscious feeling, such as anger or blame, on somebody or something other than the original offender.

Our fixations and outbursts reveal our internal conflicts, which indicate precisely where we have the greatest opportunity to grow. When we ignore the eruptions of the unconscious, we can bet that they will come out in even more disruptive ways. Through becoming aware of our unconscious we see how we can work on becoming more whole human beings.

Solution

In this situation, after apologizing to her friend, the woman should find a way to talk openly and compassionately to her husband. Usually it’s best to express ambivalent feelings without sounding controlling or critical.

For example, “I find myself feeling disappointed that we don’t spend more time together because of your career focus. Yet, I’ve never brought it up to you, because I know how important your job is to you. Maybe there’s a way that we can still spend some special time together without your jeopardizing your work.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Compassionate Confrontation: ‘He said he’d spend more time with me, but has not followed through.’”

Read “The Persona and the Shadow: ‘I’ve always been accommodating, but at times I find myself saying very mean things.’”