The need to seek revenge on wrong- and evil-doers is as ancient as Mankind. But people attempt to address their grievances in three ways:
1. Punitive-moralistic
The aim of this type of vengeance is to restore justice and, with it, the victim’s view of the world as orderly, predictable, and causal. Perpetrators should be punished; victims should be soothed and elevated; and society should publicly acknowledge who is who and mete out opprobrium and succour respectively.
This type of revenge tends to devolve into an obsession (intrusive, uncontrolled thoughts) and compulsion (an irresistible urge to behave in a way that is sometimes inconsistent with one’s values or even true wishes, or incommensurate with one’s skills, needs, long-term interests, capabilities, or wherewithal.) It is unhealthy and, in the long-term, counterproductive as it taxes the victim’s time and resources; adversely affects her other relationships; renders her dysfunctional; and, ultimately, consumes her.
2. Narcissistic
Vindictiveness is the narcissist’s way of restoring his self-imputed grandiosity and of recuperating from a narcissistic injury. Having fallen prey to malfeasance or crime, the narcissist is proven to be gullible, ignorant, and helpless. This experience is humiliating and the circumstances of victimhood contrast sharply with the narcissist’s inflated view of himself as omniscient, omnipotent, brilliant, shrewd, and perfect. Only by bringing the culprit to utter ruin does the narcissist regain his sense of self.
Ask yourself if your bruised ego is the main reason for your indignation and spite. If it is, try to separate the elements of your conduct that have to do with your justified grievance and those that revolve around your unhealthy narcissism. Avoid the latter and pursue the former.
3. Pragmatic-restorative
With this type of revenge, the victim merely wishes to restore her fortunes and reassert her rights – in other words: to revert the world to its erstwhile state by acting against her violator decisively and assertively. This is a healthy, functional, and just way of coping with the pain and damage wrought by other people’s malicious and premeditated misbehaviour.
Romantic relationships with intimate partners (significant others) are comprised of three components:
I. Mate Selection (Choice)
II. Relationship Model or Hypothesis
III. Termination Triggers
Mate selection is critical, of course, but even more important is to ensure compatibility between the mate selected and the model of relationship one has in mind. There are as many types of relationships as there are couples and one would do well to define precisely how one would like to live her life with her spouse. An open marriage calls for one kind of partner and a traditional one calls for another. Mismatches between the personality, character, and temperament of the members of the couple and the relationship model they have adopted are often the main fount of trouble, gnawing at the foundations and leading to the disintegration of the pair.
Yet, even when one’s mate, partner, or spouse has been selected with care to perfectly fit the relationship one has in mind – some relationships crumble. This is because the members of the couple have disparate “termination triggers” and abandonment anxiety thresholds. Insecurities, fears, and codependence often rise to the surface and lead to self-defeating behaviours, such as preemptive abandonment; (“I will walk away before he does.”)
Romantic, intimate relationships are comprised of various dimensions, functions, and axes. Deconstruct your past relationships in order to avoid mistakes in future ones.
Ask yourself:
How do you perceive the role of your relationships in fostering your personal growth and in attaining your life’s goals? This is known as your Personal Narrative.
Which of these internal and external functions matter to you most in your romantic relationships (use your answers construct a prioritized list)?
— Experiencing Love: romantic, “mature” (as distinct from mere and fleeting infatuation)
— Being desired, chosen, focus of attention/adulation
— Being exclusive/monogamous
— Excitement, thrill — to counter boredom
— Stability, safety, predictability, reliability — to counter anxiety
— Mirroring (emphasizing and sharing similarities)
— Personal growth enhancement
— Giving/Receiving
— Conformity (enhancing your social acceptability)
— Conferring social status
— Sexual Availability
— Non-sexual intimacy
— Procreation (having children)
— Companionship (unrestricted and immediate physical and mental availability of another person with whom one shares the same range of opinions, interests, and pursuits.)
— Friendship (deep, all-pervasive bonding to another person, involving full, unmitigated trust, a great measure of non-sexual or also sexual intimacy and the pursuit of the mutual well-being and happiness of both parties.)
Then proceed to identify your Commitment Triggers:
What is it that determines whether a prospective partner would end up being a one-night stand or your life-long spouse?
What are your Relationship Predictors?
Commit to paper (or screen) everything that your inner voice tells you when it says: “this maybe the one” and when it guesstimates how long the relationship is likely to last.
List your expectations of yourself and of your partner and generate a coherent Expectations (“what to look for”) Profile.
Determine how you test for reciprocity. Is it a quid pro quo type of ledger or accounting approach? Is it more diffuse, synoptic test?
How do you build trust in the context of your relationships? Do you share information with your partner? Are you more into “information discovery” (not to put too fine a point on it: spying)? Do you constantly gauge and test his reliability and responsibility? To what extent are you self-aware of your own good and bad qualities, fortes and limitations or shortcomings?
Sexual Trajectory:
What is the frequency of sex throughout the life of your typical past relationship? Are you sexually creative, imaginative, and inventive? Do you initiate or merely respond to advances and cues? Do you frequently end up finding yourself in sexless relationships? Are you mostly sexually available – or withdrawn? To what extent do gender roles express themselves in your sex life with your intimate partner? What about social, religious, and cultural strictures and biases?
Relationship Horizon
The partners’ expectations regarding the longevity of the relationship determines the relationship style. Do you expect your relationships to last, or are you doubtful, pessimistic, cynical, and fatalistic from the get-go?
Proximity – Spatial
Are you into cohabitation or otherwise sharing the same premises or area? Or, would you rather live in separate apartments and schedule your encounters? What role does territoriality play in the thriving and survival of your relationships?
Proximity – Temporal
Do you need to do everything together with your partner (clinging) or can you give him/her space? (Synchronous interactivity or time-delayed interaction)
Do you immediately progress from casual acquaintance to full-fledged commitment – or do you give it time and proceed incrementally, carefully, and gradually? Role Allocation
Who decides on the allocation of roles in the couple and how are they allocated? Do you typically talk over your roles (functions and responsibilities) and reach an agreement (explicit role allocation) or do you leave it to “life” and play it by ear (role allocation by emergence)?
Role Specificity
Once the roles in your relationships are defined are they “cast in stone” (rigid) – or subject to change as circumstances change and both of you grow and develop?
"Mesmerize" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
Many victims of narcissists are firmly convinced that they have been “chosen” by their abusers because of their capacity to empathize, their innate sensitivity, compassion, and their ability to love and care. Indeed, these qualities tend to attract exploitative psychopathic predators who leverage these human emotions to their advantage.
“Classical” narcissists, however, are actually repelled by such displays of contemptible “mushy” frailties. They regard natural born empaths as deplorable and nauseating weaklings who deserve all the abuse and ill-fortune that life and the narcissist mete out to them.
Narcissists, therefore, are highly unlikely to be drawn to such displays of tenderness, understanding, and sympathy. They are bound to consider them fake manipulative ploys whose sole purpose is either to extract something of value from the gullible narcissist by harping on his emotional needs – or to hurt and torment him once having secured his attachment and reciprocal love. Narcissists attribute to empathic, sensitive persons their own faults, traits, and motives – a primitive psychological defense mechanism known as projection.
There is none. Victims come in all shapes, sizes, professions, genders, and ages. They vary in educational and professional attainment; levels of self-esteem and self-confidence; family background; personal history; socio-economic strata; political affiliations; and any other parameter you can think of. Narcissists are not choosy and have no predilections when it comes to sources of narcissistic supply. They shack up with anyone who shows them adulation and showers them with attention.
You ought to get rid of this self-defeating refrain: “I attract abusers like a magnet, I am a narcissist-magnet (N-magnet)”!
Review your life in minute detail. Over the years and in a variety of settings — your family, your workplace, church, voluntary organizations — many people of both sexes must have found your company desirable and your personality agreeable. Were they all narcissists? Surely not! Were all those who found you sexually attractive and sought your friendship and companionship monstrous abusers? Were you victimized in all your relationships whether romantic and intimate or not? There is no way you can answer any of these questions in the affirmative!
If you chose your partners badly, or if you did not extricate yourself post haste once you have been mistreated it must have been your doing! Magnets are passive, they have no judgment, and cannot exert control over their destiny. They are a bad simile: human beings are not an inert, helpless, mindless substance. They are aware of what they are doing; can distinguish right from wrong; can and do act upon information; and exercise judgment. Bad relationships, however harrowing, constitute opportunities to learn lessons. If you fail to do so, you have no one to blame but yourself!
"Rovinj at Dawn" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
How often have you heard the following phrases coupled with the most horrific physical, verbal, and psychological abuse: “It’s all your fault, you made me do it” or “look what you made me do!”
Abusers have alloplastic defenses and an external locus of control. This means that they tend to blame others for their misfortunes, mistakes, and misconduct. They believe that the world is a hostile place, “out to get them”, and that there is little they can do to mitigate and ameliorate their failures and defeats. Their acts and choices are brought on by other people’s malevolence, negligence, and stupidity. Abusers regard themselves as eternal victims.
The problem starts when the true victims – often the abuser’s “nearest and dearest” – adopt his/her point of view and begin to feel guilty and responsible for his/her reprehensible behaviors. This folie a deux (literally, in French, “madness in twosome”) or shared psychosis is very common: victims and abusers form symbiotic dyads, abrogate reality, and share the same delusions. They allocate roles: the victim triggers the abuse and deserves it, the abuser is merely a hapless tool, devoid of volition and with an absent impulse-control.
But why would anyone succumb to such a patently fallacious view of the world? Why would anyone assume the guilt for her own torture and maltreatment? Shared psychosis is a complex phenomenon with numerous psychodynamic roots. Some victims fear abandonment and would do anything to placate their abusive intimate partner.
Others grew up in dysfunctional families and are familiar and comfortable with abuse (it is their “comfort zone.”) Some victims are masochistic and others simply want to “make the relationship work.” Fear plays a big part, too: sometimes the only way not to provoke another onslaught is by playing by the abuser’s rules.
So, what can you do about it?
1. Start by realizing a few crucial facts, supported by reams of research and mountain-ranges of court decisions: Abuse is never justified. No amount of discord and provocation warrant violence of any kind (verbal, sexual, physical); The abuser chooses to misbehave. S/he is not compelled to batter you, or berate you, or rape you, or humiliate you; There is nothing you could have done differently to forestall the abuse. You are not guilty, you are not to blame, you are the victim, not the perpetrator. These should be your mantras.
Your abuser doesn’t love you. Abuse and love are antonyms. Abuse is never a form of expressing love.
2. Next, try to figure out why you have acquiesced to your abuser’s behavior. Are you anxious that s/he may abandon you if you stand up for yourself? Are you scared that the abuse may escalate if you resist him/her? Do you feel helpless? Have you always felt this way or is this learned helplessness? Are you truly alone – or do you have supportive friends and family? What about the authorities? Do you trust them to protect you and, if not, why not?
3. Analyze the relationship. Can you reframe your roles? Are you sufficiently strong to put a stop to the abuse by posing conditions, imposing sanctions, and acting on infringements? Is couples therapy an option? If you have answered “no” to any of these three questions, you are better off without your abuser. Start looking for a way out. Plan the getaway in detail and share your intentions with friends, family, and trusted co-workers. Then act on it.
Remember: The world never comes to an end when relationships do — but abuse can be deadly.
"Intoxication" — Ben Hogan by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
Dependence on other people is a kind of addiction and, therefore, fulfills important mental health functions.
First, it is an organizing principle: it serves to explain behaviors and events within a coherent “narrative” (fictional story) or frame of reference (“I acted this way because …”).
Second, it gives meaning to life.
Third, the constant ups and downs satisfy your need for excitement and thrills.
Fourth, and most crucially, your addiction and emotional lability place you at the center of attention and allow you to manipulate people around you to do your bidding.
So, while you can surely survive without your intimate partner, you believe (erroneously) that you cannot go on living without your addiction to him or her. You experience your dependence as a warm and familiar comfort zone. You are addicted to and dependent on your dependence, but you attribute its source to boyfriends, mates, spouses, children, parents – anyone who happens to fit the bill and the plot of your narrative. They come and go – your addiction remains intact; they are interchangeable – your dependence is immutable.
So, what can you do about it?
Extreme cases of codependence (known as Dependent or Borderline Personality Disorders) require professional help. Luckily, most people with dependent traits and behaviors are clustered somewhere in the middle of the spectrum of dependence.
1. Help yourself by realizing that the world never comes to an end when relationships do: it is your dependence which reacts with desperation, not you.
2. Next, analyze your addiction: what are the stories and narratives that underlie it? Do you tend to idealize your intimate partner? If so, can you see him or her in a more realistic light? Are you anxious about being abandoned? Why? Have you been traumatically abandoned in the past, as a child, perhaps?
3. Write down the worst possible scenario: the relationship is over and s/he leaves you. Is your physical survival at stake? Of course not.
4. Make a list of the consequences of the breakup and write next to each one what you can and intend to do about it. Armed with this plan of action, you are bound to feel safer and more confident.
5. Finally, make sure to share your thoughts, fears, and emotions with friends and family. Social support is indispensable. One good friend is worth a hundred therapy sessions.
