Tag Archives: Romance

7 keys to a great relationship

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Watch “7 keys to a great relationship” by clicking on the title or picture below:

This video illustrates seven essential requirements of having a fantastic relationship.

1. Respect is the fundamental requirement for a good relationship. Contempt, on the other hand, will destroy a relationship. Body language and tone of voice are key in being respectful.

2. Be considerate without being overly accommodating. You shouldn’t ignore your own needs and desires or do things that you really don’t want to do.

3. Discuss problems without venting. Don’t talk non-stop about unimportant details and don’t attack the other person. You don’t want to bring down the relationship or bore the other person with trivialities and negativity.

4. Remain calm. Don’t become reactive or defensive even if the other person is angry or over-reacting. It only takes one person to keep things positive or at least prevent hostility.

5. Pursue your own passions. You don’t have to do everything together. Also don’t diminish the other person’s interests or sports.

6. Keep the romance, fun, and passion alive. Don’t allow your relationship to become mundane and ordinary.

7. Appreciate the good in the other person. Don’t be over-critical and don’t focus on the flaws. By appreciating the good in the other person, you tend to bring out the best in the other person and in the relationship.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Read “Ten Keys to a Great Relationship: ‘The magic is gone.’”

Read “What happened to our relationship? It used to be so great.”

Falling in Love & the Unconscious:
“I’m crazy in love. But friends say I’m setting myself up to be rejected again.”

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"Marilyn Silver Screen" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Romantic passion calls forth intensity, excitement, and focus of desire.

Intense emotions are generally fueled by psychological “complexes,” that is, heated reactions (positive or negative) to a person or situation reminiscent of a past experience that left a mark on the unconscious. A “complex” is a core pattern of emotions, perceptions, memories, and desires in the personal unconscious triggered by a common theme evoking past emotional experiences.

For instance, being in love with a smart and cold woman, who by coincidence is like your mother, may be driven by a projection of certain characteristics of your mother. Unconsciously, you hope to resolve your disappointment with that initial relationship by finally having someone similarly smart and cold be responsive and appreciative of you.

Does the fact that desire and even falling in love are possibly the result of a psychological complex taint their authenticity and beauty? Does one’s past experience of hope and disappointment with a similar type of person make a current love affair less authentic and meaningful?

Even if infatuation and love are complex-driven, they are no less real and important. The very fascination with the beloved reflects the entanglement of unconscious processes with falling in love. Falling in love involves projection, which is loaded with powerful affect.

Projection, however, is fraught with dangers. Consider the repeated disappointment a person will feel when the beloved becomes withholding or neglectful, just like his mother. What’s important in this case is that we don’t repeat our same ineffective ways of dealing with those who bring forth our complexes.

Emotionally-committed relationships are one of the best vehicles that can assist us in becoming aware of our unconscious and our complexes. They give us the opportunity NOT to repeat the past. But this takes awareness and effort.

Does passion driven by a complex fade when we become more integrated and whole? Does the fantasy of the “Magical Other” subside when we become more grounded and less neurotic? Perhaps.

If so, is it worth the cost?

We can hope for some progress toward wholeness, but few of us need to worry about losing our passion because we’ve become wholly-integrated and enlightened. So, we might as well enjoy the intensity of falling in love on our path to insight and understanding.

Even with great strides toward increased consciousness, the crazy feeling of infatuation might be replaced by the mindful intention to love — not a great cost after all for such a transformation.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Positive Projection: ‘He is so amazingly intelligent and articulate!’”

Reference: James Hollis’ “The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other.”

“He’s such a caveman! Same old Disappointment on Valentine’s Day.”

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"Rattlesnake Shake " Rick Vito by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Disappointment on Valentine’s Day, whether you’re with a “caveman” or not in a relationship, reminds us to reflect on our expectations. The media’s extravagant marketing and movie moments create unrealistic expectations on both men and women. There’s no way to live up to those cinematic dramatics, at least not without set decorators and a film crew.

No single person has it all. Individuals who plan fabulous banners declaring their unrequited love emblazoned on the side of the Goodyear blimp may be lacking in other desirable qualities. Those exciting, full-of-surprise types may end up sending exotic Brazilian flowers dripping with diamonds to someone else next year—Surprise! So appreciate your caveman.

Life is too short to waste time wishing that your partner knew what your private fantasy was. Yet, if your idea of Valentine’s Day or any day is important to you, instead of playing a guessing game, suggest what you want. Say, “I’d love to be surprised one night by…” Or you can make your particular fantasy happen yourself. If you can’t fly off to Paris, then set the table with a checked cloth and enjoy some wine at home. If you don’t have a partner, you can still embrace romance and have fun with a relative or friends by creating and enjoying an evening of intimate ambiance together.

by Alison Poulsen

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”