Tag Archives: resentment

Resentment Part 1:
“She got the job even though I work much harder. Hard work is a waste of time.”

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"Power on the Slopes" Alberto Tomba
by Mimi Stuart

Live the Life you Desire

Resentment is the feeling of bitterness, anger, or hatred resulting from a real or imagined wrong. The key difference between resentment, anger and contempt stems from how a person perceives the status of the wrong-doer.

Resentment is directed at people with perceived higher status;

Anger is directed at people with perceived equal status;

Contempt is directed at people with perceived lower status.

Causes
Resentment is often triggered by an expression of humiliation or rejection by another person with real or imagined power. There is a feeling of being used, taken advantage of, or being unrecognized for achievements while others succeed without equal merit.

When people feel they have no power to address unfair or demeaning behavior, negative feelings get internalized. Bitterness further causes others to overlook or reject them. So by stewing on negative feelings, resentment compounds the problem of being belittled and marginalized.

Thus, working on personal authority is key to eliminating feelings of resentment.

To enhance your own self-empowerment:

• Recognize people who take advantage of you. Try to limit your exposure to them.

• Learn to speak up for yourself in a positive way, without being defensive or petty.

• Own your own achievements, while avoiding the extremes of excessive humility and being a braggart.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD


Read “Resentment Part 2: ‘If I say anything, it will just make things worse.’”

Read “Defensiveness. You’re always attacking me!”

“You never kiss me anymore.”

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"Pisces" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Many couples gradually stop kissing over time. This can be a sign that they no longer cherish each other, because indifference or resentment has insidiously invaded the relationship.

It’s important to have frank conversations about the changes in your relationship that bother you. The situation is not going to improve without broaching the subject.

If you want the truth, don’t complain, whine, or anticipate feeling hurt. Be direct, but set the stage so that your partner won’t feel attacked. You could say something like, “I like being in a relationship with affection and intimacy. I’d like to know why you don’t kiss me anymore.”

Be ready for an honest response. Hopefully, it’s something easy to deal with—maybe one of you has bad breath, in which case it’s easy to talk to a dentist or doctor.

It could be something more serious, such as lack of desire and attraction. Many things can lead to lack of desire. Here are three main areas to consider:

1. People stop being affectionate when they feel resentment, which can result from being taken for granted, treated as secondary, or dealt with in a controlling, critical way. Ask whether your attitude toward your partner is causing him or her to withdraw affection and openness.

2. People may also lose interest when their partners let themselves go, living in such a way that shows they’ve lost respect for themselves. When people don’t have the discipline or motivation to take care of themselves physically, intellectually, and emotionally, their partners generally lose desire for them.

Ask yourself whether your attitude toward yourself is inviting desire. We’re not talking about getting face-lifts and liposuction, but simply maintaining a healthy lifestyle and vibrancy about yourself.

3. Kissing may come to an end because it is too mechanical, lackluster, or insensitive. This might reflect one’s attitude toward oneself or the other person or it might be the result of not being tuned in with one’s sensuality.

Some people view kissing to be the most intimate of physical contact, revealing a person’s true sensuality. To engage in good kissing, like engaging in a good relationship, you have to be full of curiosity and appreciation while intentionally focusing on the real beauty of the person being kissed.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’ve got needs but she pretends she’s asleep.”