Tag Archives: resentment

Living together Part 2: Fairness — “Well, I’m paying for everything!”

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"Harmonic Balance" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
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Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they’re fair with you.

~Alan Alda

In addition to having manners and maintaining boundaries, being fair in what you contribute in a household makes a big difference in long-term relationships. Here are a few guidelines that work for most people:

1. Clean up after yourself. There’s nothing so discouraging as living with someone who leaves a mess everywhere. Relaxed order, not sanitary perfection, is a happy medium for most people living together. People who are either sticklers for perfection or extremely messy are often better off living alone.

2. Be thoughtful, but beware of doing too much for others. While it’s kind to cook or clean for others, doing too much without willing reciprocity from them may lead to you becoming resentful.

3. Maintain your boundaries regarding personal property. It’s nice to be generous with people who are respectful and appreciative. However, if someone “borrows” something of yours without asking, you might say, “I’d like you to ask me first.” If people don’t respect your belongings, they likely will not respect you. If they persist in “borrowing” without asking, take steps to secure your property.

4. Have clear understandings regarding finances, both your own and your collective finances. In temporary relationships, where society has no legal say, such as non-married partners, or renters who share a house, it is very important to have clear understandings that address bills, finances and paperwork. Clearly define what belongs to whom and who is responsible for what. Even if you live with your best friend or the love of your life, you want to protect yourself and your relationship from the outset. A relationship is more solid and stress-free when there is clarity regarding finances.

5. Don’t gossip. When you align yourself with just one person, if there are more than two in the household, others in the house may feel alienated.

6. Have a sense of humor. This is probably the most beneficial trait you can have in relationships. As William James puts it: “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Living together Part I: Manners and Boundaries”

Read “I don’t want finances to get in the middle of it, because I don’t want it to get ugly.”

Resentment Part 4:
“I do it all and get no recognition.”
Ten Ways to eliminate resentment through self-empowerment.

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"Annika" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Research shows that putting intentions in writing helps a person achieve his or her goals. So the most effective way to improve your responses to hot button moments is to personalize the following ideas that are most relevant to you and write down how you plan to respond in the future.

Speaking up:

1. Speak up when you think you should. People who have personal power are willing to express their ideas and opinions. They also respect and listen to others.

2. Act responsibly and hold others accountable for their actions.

3. Don’t take it personally or act embarrassed if anyone belittles you. People who belittle others often feel inadequate themselves. Say something about it when it’s appropriate. They’ll feel better about themselves if they can’t get away with it.

4. Think about what you need and ask for it—it’s better than complaining.

5. Take courage by focusing on what you have to GAIN in a situation rather than on what you have to LOSE.

Helpfulness and Appreciation:

1. Don’t agree to do things for people who take advantage of you. Just say you don’t have the time.

2. Seek collaboration rather than doing everything yourself. It’s much better to say, “Can you help me with this,” with an UPBEAT attitude than to feel bitter about doing it all yourself.

3. Focus on helping those who appreciate you, and stop trying to get the attention of those who reject or ignore you.

4. Ask for appreciation in a positive way. For instance, “Isn’t this a great dinner I made?”

5. Limit or end a relationship if you are the only one making the effort.

If you plan ahead how to respond with personal authority, it will become easier to avoid situations that give rise to resentment. It will also enable you to forgive past resentments and to stop holding grudges.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “People are always criticizing me.”

Resentment Part 3:
Irrational thinking:
“I’ll reject them before they reject me.”

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"Clarity" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Resentment eats away at a person’s well-being. The resentful person becomes unhappy, works less effectively, and pushes people away. Yet, the person resented is not called to task and is barely affected by the resentment.

Often, resentment is based on irrational thoughts. So if we clear up our thinking, sometimes we can eliminate this bitter feeling and its ill effects.

Irrational thoughts and their alternatives:

1. “Speaking up for oneself is wrong or abrasive.”
~Not speaking up often causes more harm than good.

2. “There are no disagreements in good relationships.”
~In all relationships there’s room for diplomatic disagreement. When people hide their opinions and feelings to avoid conflict, such suppression can lead to resentment and a bad relationship.

3. “I’m a victim; no one will accept me. So, I’ll reject them before they reject me.”
~People are much more likely to be accepting if you have some self-assurance and are accepting of them, warts and all.

4. “I’ll never win at anything I try; I’m unlucky.”
~Successful people learn from mistakes and persevere through failure.

5. “It’s WHO you know that matters.”
~Many people work their way to happiness and success through work, learning from their mistakes, kindness, and maintaining a good attitude.

It’s important to identify situations that trigger your irrational thoughts. Work out ways of responding to these triggers ahead of time. For example, if someone tends to take credit for your ideas, prepare to say with a smile, “I’m glad you like my idea.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Resentment Part 4: ‘I do it all and get no recognition.’ Ten Ways to eliminate resentment through self-empowerment.”

Watch “Expressing Anger Effectively.”

Resentment Part 2:
“If I say anything, it will just make things worse.”

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"Mystery" Amelia Earhart by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Recognizing signs of Resentment:

1. Using phony friendliness to cover your true feelings.
2. Speaking sarcastically about the person resented.
3. Speaking in a demeaning way about the person resented.
4. Expressing agitation and unexpected anger for no apparent reason.

Effects of Resentment:

Resentment is most painful when it is felt toward a person you’re close to, such as a parent, good friend, or spouse. If you don’t overcome feelings of powerlessness, you might develop a cynical, hostile attitude.

Cynicism and hostility seem to protect a person by lowering his or her expectations in relationships. But they also cause the heart to close itself off, keeping a person from love and intimacy.

A healthier way to deal with resentment is to figure out how you may have participated in letting someone treat you unfairly to avoid repeating the same pattern. Sometimes people have no choice in their situations, as for example, being a child in an abusive family. But in many cases, we unwittingly allow situations to become unfair.

Here are some questions to help figure out how to avoid resentment in the future:

1. Is the unfair treatment real or imagined? If real, why did the other person treated you badly?

2. Why do you hesitate to respond with more personal power? Are you afraid of conflict? Do you feel undeserving? How is your lack of personal power hurting you more than possible disapproval or loss?

3. Are you afraid to speak up for yourself because you tend to become defensive and make things worse? How could you learn to speak up assertively—with a positive attitude?

4. How would your life improve if you were to eliminate your resentment?

When people let go of resentment and learn to speak up for themselves without bitterness, they gain confidence and optimism. In turn, others are LESS likely to treat them unfairly, and if they do, they won’t get away with it.

Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.

~Viktor E. Frankl

by Alison Poulsen, PhD


Read “Resentment Part 3: Irrational thinking: ‘I’ll reject them before they reject me.’”

Read “Fears and Phobias.”