Tag Archives: resentment

Five problems with being too helpful

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“Light” by Mimi Stuart© Live the Life you Desire

People who help others too much often don’t stop until they become exhausted or ill. This can become burdensome, and ironically, it’s not very helpful to the people in their lives over the long-term.

Being helpful to others is a wonderful trait if it’s practiced in moderation and when appropriate. There are five problems to watch out for when your primary focus is on meeting other people’s needs.

Five Problems

1. You neglect your own needs and feelings, and end up exhausted or ill.

2. You become resentful—even though you enjoy helping—because you bend over backwards for other people too much.

3. By putting others first, you may unwittingly deprive them of their own autonomy, which can lead to your becoming a burden to them—the last thing that you intended. Helping others too much can create an unintended obligation to reciprocate, which can lead to codependence, and can stifle the fun and joy in a relationship.

4. Although others may appreciate or even take advantage of your help, they will often prefer spending time with someone who takes care of their own needs first and doesn’t give unsolicited advice and help.

5. Some super-helpful personalities might be surprised to learn that their acts of rewarding or pampering loved ones may be taken as an insult to their capabilities or an intrusion into their personal space. The receiver of help may develop resentment because there’s an unintended implication that he or she is incompetent.

Best Approach

Excessively self-sacrificing people can improve their lives and the lives of those around them by learning to acknowledge and respect their own needs first. When you feel compelled to offer someone a glass of water, consider whether you may actually be the one who is thirsty. Then take a moment to sense whether others are the types who would rather get water for themselves. If so, notice whether you can simply “be” without being of service to someone else.

Truly being of service is a beautiful way to bring light to people’s lives, particularly when it is done while honoring yourself and observing whether others would appreciate the help.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Helpful vs. Intrusive.”

How to stop being judgmental and critical of others

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“Symphonic Rejuvenation” by Mimi Stuart ©

“I’m still angry and hurt after my divorce, and I’m taking this out on others and my new guy. How can I stop being so judgmental, critical, and easily triggered?”

Although there is no easy way around feeling critical and judgmental, here are five suggestions on what to work on.

1. Underlying issues

Think about what is underlying those small things that are triggering you. For example, you may be experiencing fear of commitment, fear of being needed or controlled, a desire for more space, or fear of further rejection. Once you figure this out, determine whether the underlying issue can be dealt with. If appropriate, discuss the real issue with your partner.

For example, “Although I love spending time with you, I need some quiet time every day to catch up on work and correspondence / to read / to exercise / to meditate.” Or “I think I’m afraid of being hurt again, so sometimes I lash out to avoid getting too close and then being hurt again. Maybe we should take it a little more slowly.”

2. The power of pause

Be patient and learn not to react too quickly with criticism or judgment. Make it a habit before responding to take a deep breath while remembering what is important. For example, remind yourself that “Treating others poorly brings out the worst in both me and in others.” This will give you the time and motivation to resist behaving in an ineffective and negative way.

If you need more than the time it takes to breathe deeply, then make it a habit to say, “I need a moment to think about that.”

3. Mental rehearsal

Imagine the situations that are likely to trigger you. Visualize and practice how you would like to respond in those situations. Awareness and practice are key, just as they are in learning a new sport or language.

Through focused intentional practice, effective communication will become easier and you’ll feel better about yourself. The positive effects of your improved responses will reward and foster the improved way of interacting with others.

4. Reflection

Re-assess other aspects of your life. Do you have some ongoing resentment in your life that you are not addressing? Is there another relationship where you feel disrespected? Are your current relationships too accepting of your negativity, which may cause you to show disrespect?

You may find that avoiding a challenge or problem in your life is making you irritable. When you take steps to deal with whatever is oppressing you, you will feel lighter and become less easily aggravated with everyone around you.

5. Improving your life

Take time to look into some new activities and relationships that might interest you. When a person feels stuck, all sorts of little things may become irritating. On the other hand, when a person is excited about a new pursuit or plan in his or her life, little things become less annoying.

When you put in the effort to stop being critical and judgmental, your life and relationships will improve dramatically. When you look for the best in others, they will often respond with the best of themselves.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Interrupted and Ignored by the Extroverts in your Life

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"Effervescent" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Effervescent” by Mimi Stuart ©

“I am often the one who does most of the listening. I am introverted, and am attracted to extrovert energy. The beautiful, warm, interesting stories at first are a delight, but quickly start to overwhelm me as the relationship develops. Often, when I feel ready to talk, I am not listened to with the same attention, or even worse, interrupted and ignored.”

One-sided extroverts, one-sided relationship

Extremely extroverted people can be fun and interesting to have as friends, as they entertain and radiate energy. Extroverts generally like talking and being the center of attention. Since the extrovert’s vibrancy is enjoyable, his or her dominance shields you from having to share your own ideas and thoughts. So often the dynamic of being ignored and interrupted by extreme extroverts may go unnoticed at first. In the early stage of the relationship, you may feel comfortable that there’s no pressure to reveal yourself.

Yet after a while it becomes frustrating and overwhelming to be in a one-sided relationship where most of the attention is focused on the extroverted individual. Extreme extroverts tend to be self-involved and often lack depth because they are generally not self-reflective. Thus, they tend to be disappointing as best friends, confidantes, or long-term romantic partners.

Developing balance

More balanced people, on the other hand, may not be as exciting at first, but they are often more capable of reciprocal interaction, showing interest in you, and enjoying two-way conversations, all of which are ultimately more stimulating and fulfilling in a long-term relationship.

When you are attracted to a person who is the opposite to your personality, it usually indicates a need for you to develop some of that trait. In your case, becoming a bit more extroverted might involve becoming more comfortable putting yourself out there and developing outgoing energy when you choose to. You can start with small steps—for example, by giving your opinion or telling a story rather than asking questions and prompting further monologues by the extrovert.

As you push yourself to become a little more balanced, and avoid being drawn in too closely into the orbit of super magnetic (i.e., self-absorbed) extroverts, you will develop more well-balanced relationships. If you get involved with people who are more balanced from the beginning, you are less likely to become resentful.

Dealing with extreme extroverts

When dealing with an extrovert who interrupts and ignores you, be direct and up-front. “Hey, I need to talk to you. Is this a good time?” or “You seem distracted. I was hoping to provide some input. When would be a better time?” or “I have something I’d like to talk to you about. Is now convenient?” It’s important that your tone of voice does not convey weakness, resentment, or anger. Be matter of fact. But don’t continue the conversation if you’re being ignored. While you cannot control another person, you can avoid giving up your power by no longer participating in a one-sided relationship dynamic.

In essence, my advice to an introvert who suffers frustration with extreme extroverts is threefold:

1. Develop relationships with people who are more balanced,

2. Do not be a passive co-conspirator. Challenge yourself to give your input, opinions, tell stories, and shine your own light rather than simply ask questions and listen, and

3. When dealing with an extrovert, speak up for yourself in a matter a fact way, without resentment or anger.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Dividing up Household Chores:
“The house is a mess!”

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"Sandy Bay, Isla de Roatan" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Can a clean house eliminate family conflict? Does a messy home make or break a relationship?

Too much clutter tends to confuse the mind while good feng shui enhances harmony in the home. Nevertheless, family conflict stems more from how you go about dividing up chores rather than how clean the house is.

Clear communication about expectations and goals is the best way to avoid the growth of disappointment and resentment, which can devour family relations like a malignancy.

As with most joint decision-making, it’s best to sit down to discuss the issue neutrally and fairly rather than giving unilateral directives. Doing all the chores yourself, grumbling snidely, or escaping the whole issue through distractions causes resentment among all parties.

Start with a comment, such as, “Let’s sit down and discuss chores, so we all can decide what we are willing to do and feel that it’s fair.”

Write down all the daily, weekly and seasonal chores. Then jointly figure out who prefers which chores and reach agreement on who will do what. Use a matter-of-fact tone and a good attitude as though you are choosing what to order off a menu rather than having punishment meted out. (“Let’s see… I’ll take the ‘Mow the lawn on Saturdays.’”)

It’s important to be fair and cooperative. Consider taking turns doing the chores nobody likes doing. If your budget permits, consider hiring or trading with outside services for the jobs nobody can stand doing.

If you have been doing most of the work, it may be in your best interest to allow your family members to lead the discussion and bring up ideas of how to divide up the work. They are more likely to buy into their own ideas. Write everything down and post the list.

Only jump in to do others’ chores if you can do so out of the goodness of your heart and without resentment. Try not to police others, because it creates tension and it backfires. If someone keeps neglecting their chores, have another meeting and discuss it. Joint decision-making and ongoing open communication will pay off for everyone, especially the children. It gives them ownership.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Order vs. Chaos; Responsibility vs. Spontaneity.”

Read “Clutter in your surroundings causes clutter in the mind: ‘I don’t have time to deal with this mess. I’ve got so many things going on—it’s chaos.’”

Read “Living together Part I: Manners and Boundaries — ‘What’s the matter with you? Look at this mess you made!’”

Jealousy of Others:
“I feel bad about myself when I’m around him.”

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"Competitive Edge"—Juliana Furtado by Mimi Stuart©
Live the Life you Desire

It’s natural to compare ourselves to others — to see how we are doing and how we could do better. We can learn by observing — whether it’s a job, a sport, or how someone relates to others. Comparing ourselves to others can provide great constructive insight into how we can improve.

Yet, comparisons can be detrimental when we become jealous, that is, when we feel hostile toward others whom we perceive as being better, happier, or more successful. We harm ourselves in several ways.

1. We choose to feel miserable.

2. We show others that we feel inadequate and insecure.

3. We become unpleasant to be with.

4. We are less likely to learn how to improve.

5. We miss out on being inspired by others.

People who feel frequent pangs of jealousy tend to feel worthwhile or happy only when they stand out as being special or the best. Yet, self-worth and happiness do not come from being Number One, although they may result from being the best we can be, without regard to others.

People who are jealous of others’ happiness, accomplishments, or skills often lack a strong sense of self and of power over their lives. Rather than being energized, they merely resent the other person as a reminder of what they themselves seem to be lacking. They don’t feel they have control over improving their attitude, relationships, skills, and situations.

Yet, one way to improve your life is to appreciate other people’s high skill-level or happiness; you will actually feel more enjoyment and happiness yourself through such appreciation. Therefore, it’s better to be around people whose joy and talents inspire you rather than around those whose lack of passion leave you feeling better than, but also uninspired.

If the goal is to be happy or the best we can be, then it’s best to stop focusing resentfully on what others have and can do. We’re better off admiring and enjoying the blessings of others, and focusing with gratitude on what we have and what we want to accomplish. In fact, relishing others’ blessings with delight has an inspirational effect on the body and soul.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Resentment.”


Read “No money: ‘I get really unhappy not to be able to buy clothes when I see all my friends shopping.’”