"Apassionato" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“I’m going to have more fun!”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “When friends ask me to go out to eat I’m embarrassed that I can’t afford to go out.”
"Clarity" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Resentment eats away at a person’s well-being. The resentful person becomes unhappy, works less effectively, and pushes people away. Yet, the person resented is not called to task and is barely affected by the resentment.
Often, resentment is based on irrational thoughts. So if we clear up our thinking, sometimes we can eliminate this bitter feeling and its ill effects.
Irrational thoughts and their alternatives:
1. “Speaking up for oneself is wrong or abrasive.”
~Not speaking up often causes more harm than good.
2. “There are no disagreements in good relationships.”
~In all relationships there’s room for diplomatic disagreement. When people hide their opinions and feelings to avoid conflict, such suppression can lead to resentment and a bad relationship.
3. “I’m a victim; no one will accept me. So, I’ll reject them before they reject me.”
~People are much more likely to be accepting if you have some self-assurance and are accepting of them, warts and all.
4. “I’ll never win at anything I try; I’m unlucky.”
~Successful people learn from mistakes and persevere through failure.
5. “It’s WHO you know that matters.”
~Many people work their way to happiness and success through work, learning from their mistakes, kindness, and maintaining a good attitude.
It’s important to identify situations that trigger your irrational thoughts. Work out ways of responding to these triggers ahead of time. For example, if someone tends to take credit for your ideas, prepare to say with a smile, “I’m glad you like my idea.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Mystery" Amelia Earhart by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Recognizing signs of Resentment:
1. Using phony friendliness to cover your true feelings.
2. Speaking sarcastically about the person resented.
3. Speaking in a demeaning way about the person resented.
4. Expressing agitation and unexpected anger for no apparent reason.
Effects of Resentment:
Resentment is most painful when it is felt toward a person you’re close to, such as a parent, good friend, or spouse. If you don’t overcome feelings of powerlessness, you might develop a cynical, hostile attitude.
Cynicism and hostility seem to protect a person by lowering his or her expectations in relationships. But they also cause the heart to close itself off, keeping a person from love and intimacy.
A healthier way to deal with resentment is to figure out how you may have participated in letting someone treat you unfairly to avoid repeating the same pattern. Sometimes people have no choice in their situations, as for example, being a child in an abusive family. But in many cases, we unwittingly allow situations to become unfair.
Here are some questions to help figure out how to avoid resentment in the future:
1. Is the unfair treatment real or imagined? If real, why did the other person treated you badly?
2. Why do you hesitate to respond with more personal power? Are you afraid of conflict? Do you feel undeserving? How is your lack of personal power hurting you more than possible disapproval or loss?
3. Are you afraid to speak up for yourself because you tend to become defensive and make things worse? How could you learn to speak up assertively—with a positive attitude?
4. How would your life improve if you were to eliminate your resentment?
When people let go of resentment and learn to speak up for themselves without bitterness, they gain confidence and optimism. In turn, others are LESS likely to treat them unfairly, and if they do, they won’t get away with it.
Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.
~Viktor E. Frankl
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Resentment Part 3: Irrational thinking: ‘I’ll reject them before they reject me.’”
"Power on the Slopes" Alberto Tomba
by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Resentment is the feeling of bitterness, anger, or hatred resulting from a real or imagined wrong. The key difference between resentment, anger and contempt stems from how a person perceives the status of the wrong-doer.
Resentment is directed at people with perceived higher status;
Anger is directed at people with perceived equal status;
Contempt is directed at people with perceived lower status.
Causes
Resentment is often triggered by an expression of humiliation or rejection by another person with real or imagined power. There is a feeling of being used, taken advantage of, or being unrecognized for achievements while others succeed without equal merit.
When people feel they have no power to address unfair or demeaning behavior, negative feelings get internalized. Bitterness further causes others to overlook or reject them. So by stewing on negative feelings, resentment compounds the problem of being belittled and marginalized.
Thus, working on personal authority is key to eliminating feelings of resentment.
To enhance your own self-empowerment:
• Recognize people who take advantage of you. Try to limit your exposure to them.
• Learn to speak up for yourself in a positive way, without being defensive or petty.
• Own your own achievements, while avoiding the extremes of excessive humility and being a braggart.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Resentment Part 2: ‘If I say anything, it will just make things worse.’”
"Course Correction" Paula Creamer by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
If a friend wants to bring someone to your party that you don’t care for, you don’t have to say “yes.” If you are going to feel resentful about having that person at your house, that’s a sign that you should say “no.”
There’s no reason to be negative and judgmental though. That would simply put your friend on the defensive.
Keep it positive and limit yourself to “I” statements: “I just want to have close friends at my party. I’d really like you to come, but I’m not that close to John. Sorry to disappoint you.” Or, “There are a lot of people coming already. I’d rather not invite anyone else. Sorry. But I hope YOU can make it.”
Light, upbeat, and guilt-free is best!
by Alison Poulsen, PhD