Tag Archives: rational

Black-and-white thinking:
“I used to think she was fantastic. But it was all a façade. She’s really horrible.”

Posted on by
3

"Ennobling Struggle" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

The flaw behind black-and-white thinking is that it does not reflect the complexity of human nature and the world around us. Most people are not absolutely good or evil. Most events in life have more intricate shades of color than simply black and white.

Black-and–white thinking stems from our reptilian brain, which makes snap decisions as to what’s safe or dangerous in order for us to survive an immediate physical threat. When this ancient part of the brain is triggered, it overrides the reasoning and problem-solving abilities we’ve developed through evolution.

Some people raised to be black-and-white thinkers remain stuck in a world where people and events are viewed in simplistic terms of extremes. Even people who are complex thinkers regress to pigeonholing when they are stressed or overwhelmed by emotions. Unless patterns of fear are counter balanced, they will prevent people from moving beyond this “primitive thinking” to more nuanced and sophisticated thinking.

As a result of viewing the world as black and white, people suffer unnecessary disappointment that can lead to exasperation and depression. For instance, fantasizing about a perfect world with a perfect mate can lead to shattered expectations, and the opposite idea that there aren’t ANY decent men or women at all.

Here are some ways to avoid the pitfalls and heartbreaks of black-and-white thinking:

1. Have realistic expectations: Even though optimism is generally a nice trait, tone down feelings of overblown optimism and expectations about specific people or situations.

2. Sometimes, somewhat: Use words such as “always” and “never” sparingly.

3. Enjoy the complexity: Beware of considering yourself and others as “the best” or “the worst.” The world of absolutes is unrealistic and dull. Find the complexity in any situation or in a person and you may find what’s interesting—and truly beautiful.

4. Look for balance: Look for balance rather than perfection by accepting that humans make mistakes.

5. Be open to mystery: A curious, intelligent, and open mind embraces the known and unknown, the mystery, and the possibility of imagination.

It is not the result of scientific research that ennobles humans and enriches their lives, but the struggle to understand while performing creative and open-minded intellectual work.

~Einstein

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

“He tells me to stop being so emotional. Does he want me to be cold and unfeeling like him?”

Posted on by
Reply

"Cool Hard Steel"—Adam Scott by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

The steadfast, unemotional husband, who at first is drawn to his warm, emotional wife, soon grows distrustful of the roller-coaster ride of her emotions. (Of course the genders are not fixed.) He becomes cold and withdrawn; she becomes desperate for connection. Neither attitude is a great aphrodisiac!



Intrigued by one another at first, opposites sometimes end up loathing the opposing qualities. When each tries to change the other, both become more deeply entrenched in their own original one-sided position.

We’ve seen relationships where the emotional partner oscillates between gushing love and fervent hatred. The logical partner of such a type often protects himself from the volatility of her emotions by detaching himself from her, exacerbating her devouring need for connection.

He thinks himself capable of analyzing relationship issues logically and correctly. Yet, his unawareness of his own secret prejudices and sensitivities makes his use of apparently cool rationality potentially pernicious. His partner may find it difficult to argue against his seemingly superior logic, which may be riddled with outbursts of irritation.

Here is a case where intense reactivity can lead couples to polar extremes. The extreme position of the each partner scares the other into a more defended posture.

If the relationship is to grow, each partner needs to integrate some of the opposite quality to become more whole. Both partners need to accept the other’s qualities, as flawed as they are, and move toward the center themselves. If one person becomes more balanced, the other is likely to follow, because there’s less need to be on the defensive.

If the emotional person were to respond with calm objectivity, it would allow the rational person to show more feeling without fearing being sucked into histrionic chaos. If the rational person were to get in touch with and express some of his own emotions, discomfort or fear, for example, the feeling person would gain compassion for him and soften her melodrama, no longer needing to get a show of emotions from him.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”