Tag Archives: pursuit

“He promised me we’d spend time just the two of us together last night. Instead, he zoned out for two hours playing games. I tried to be as understanding as possible but felt stood up.”

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"Tiffanys" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Tiffanys” by Mimi Stuart ©

When someone has promised to spend time with you but plays video games instead, don’t wait around for two hours and try to be understanding. While it is rarely effective to complain or get angry, it can be constructive to speak up when someone is disrespectful. You could remind him neutrally or even playfully, “Hey, I’m here. You said you wanted to do something fun… Well?”

If he doesn’t stop playing his game, then it is time for you to do something for yourself, on your own or with friends. Don’t wait around to be there at his convenience. Go to the movies, meet friends or go for a walk. Otherwise he will continue to take you for granted, and you will become resentful and less desirable.

While it would be quite easy for you to coerce him into stopping the game and doing something with you, he would feel irritated and would not truly desire and appreciate the time he does spend with you. No one likes to be manipulated.

So don’t be controlling. Yet you don’t want to stand by while he plays video games. Say, “have a good time, ssee you later,” and leave. You are less likely to become bitter if you do something you enjoy on your terms. If you stand by and do nothing, you give him all of the power in the relationship.

When he realizes you’re no longer there waiting for his attention, he will either regret ignoring you and avoid doing it in the future, or he won’t care, in which case, this may be the first step on your road to a more fulfilling life and possibly a new relationship.

If a pattern of disregard seems to be emerging, then you may want to sit down with him and state your needs and desires without being controlling. Explain that he is free to do what he wants. However, you want to be with someone who wants to spend some time together and who appreciates being with you. Let him know that you’re reconsidering if you are right for each other. If he doesn’t seem to care, then it’s time to move on.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Read “I end up arguing with him because he’s usually too busy working to talk.”

Read “Spending Time Together as a Couple.”

Watch “Seven keys to a great relationship.”

“Whenever I try to talk about where our relationship is going, he backs away.”

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"Improvisation" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Improvisation” by Mimi Stuart ©

Tiresome and trapped

The more you try to analyze and question the status of the relationship, the more he’ll feel trapped rather than desire for you. So avoid becoming a tiresome obligation to the one you desire.

While it is crucial to be able to express important needs and preferences, people who talk too often about the status of their relationship appear needy and end up pushing the potential partner away.

Taken for granted

If you want to talk about the relationship because you worry that you are being taken for granted, then change the patterns that have become convenient and well known to him. People pay attention to actions, not words.

Make more space for both of you, but avoid anger and bitterness. When you understand that accepting mediocrity in your relationship will breed contempt, you’ll understand that creating more space is not playing a game. Creating a little distance while maintaining your self-control will make him pay attention and increase his appreciation of you and the relationship.

Develop and maintain a life of your own.

Don’t drop existing plans in order to spend time with him. Maintain your friendships and interests, and let him plan ahead to see you. When you drop everything to see him, he will sense that you intend for him to fill a void and a need in your life. That is not very appealing.

Good relationships grow organically and take time. Have fun and take pleasure in the process, but don’t drop the rest of your life, your friends or your interests — ever. Who wants to be with a person who makes you their entire world? You want to be with a person because they have their own different and exciting world.

Getting committed

Don’t allow another person to call all the shots. If you want someone to commit fully, then don’t have all the fun with that person before he is more fully committed. If you are there and available all of the time, then desire and the need for bonding are absent. Simply back off and use more discretion about how much time you spend together.

But when you are together, make it enjoyable and exciting – the time should be special. This way he will want to be with you, but he’ll also know that you will only invest yourself more fully with someone who is really serious about you.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen
@alisonpoulsen

Read “Sustaining Desire: ‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s just watch TV.’”

Read “It hurts that my fiancé thinks I am smothering him. He wants me to let him catch his breath after he gets off work. I’m scared that I’m going to lose him because I’m needy or clingy.”

Watch “Seven keys to a great relationship.”

“I think I am a pursuer. My girlfriend initiated a breakup. I want to salvage this relationship. What can I do?”

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"Skyward" — Otto Lilienthal B by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire

“Skyward” — Otto Lilienthal B by Mimi Stuart©
Live the Life you Desire

Too much pursuit comes off as neediness. This doesn’t mean that you should pretend not to care, but that you must resist the impulse to pursue her. People lose their attraction to those who are needy or dwell in self-pity. They may feel secure and taken care of by pursuers, but they tend to lose their desire for them.

Your girlfriend cannot develop desire for you unless you become more desirable. Realizing that a one-sided relationship is not sustainable should help you to gain the strength to focus on other endeavors.

Enjoy autonomy

The most effective way to attract your girlfriend back and develop a mutually fulfilling relationship is to develop your ability to enjoy being alone and with people other than your girlfriend. If you dwell on how much you want your her back, you will continue to feel desperate and miserable, and you will continue to push her away. On the other hand, if you demonstrate self-respect and autonomy, your feelings of dejection will decrease, and she will find that more appealing.

As difficult as it may be when you feel heart-broken, it’s important for you to do the things that keep you healthy and involved in life. Your health and vitality are likely to blossom if you eat well, exercise, sleep, perform well at work, listen to music, see friends, and pursue your favorite activities as well as new ones.

You will be more attractive to your girlfriend if you stand on your own and live a full life than if you mope around hoping she’ll come back to you.

Break away from the norm

One of the best ways to get relief from yearning for someone who is not excited to be with you is to take a trip or try some new endeavors. If you can’t get away for a week or two, go to new places for an evening or a weekend. Doing things that are novel focuses your attention on the here and now, preventing you from brooding and obsessing over someone. Volunteering and helping others also stop you from falling into a state of self-pity.

When your girlfriend sees that you are living your life and not pursuing her, she may be drawn to you again and start pursuing you! If not, then it is advisable that you move on and continue to build your life.

If she does decide to come back to you, it’s important that you take your time to explore how to establish a good balance in your life and avoid excessive pursuit of her. One person should not have exclusive power to call all the shots. You do not want to continue to be at the mercy of her whims. You will find that a moderate amount of your personal independence will enhance all your relationship with others.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Read “My parent didn’t care about me.” How we develop Defense Mechanisms (Part II)

Read “Dysfunctional Parents: ‘My parents were so dysfunctional, I don’t even know what a good relationship looks like.’”

Read “Pursuit and Distancing: Intimacy vs. Needing Space”