privacy Archives - Couples SolutionsCouples Solutions

“Marilyn Silver Screen” by Mimi Stuart ©

“My husband has blocked me from his facebook and other social media accounts. He told me firmly that he will not negotiate about protecting his privacy. It’s his private life. The things that he talks about with his friends and whom he talks to are his private domain. His phone, computer and social media and his online attachments are his private world.”

Privacy and secrecy in a relationship

Your husband is trying to defend secrecy, not privacy. There is a clear distinction between privacy and secrecy in an intimate and shared relationship such as a marriage. Secrecy will ultimately destroy your relationship and your marriage.

Privacy

Individuals should maintain respect for each other’s privacy, such as having personal space alone or writing a journal, for example. This differs from furtive relationships and behavior that may impact the primary relationship.

Secrecy

Secrecy and marriage are fundamentally incompatible. When there is no trust, there is no commitment to the relationship. Trust has to be earned, not blindly given.

Keeping secrets and having outside, off-the-radar relationships – male or female – undermine the primary relationship. Even if these relationships are “only” online or emotional relationships, they will still undermine your primary relationship if they remain secret or if they become energetically more powerful than the primary relationship.

Transparency

Trust has to be earned by transparency, honesty, and considerate behavior. When you decide to marry someone, you decide that your primary emotional and physical relationship is with your spouse. You decide to live your lives together and give up some of your freedom. You make this choice because the payoff is a loving, trusting relationship.

It is important to have your own individual pursuits and friends, but not if they are secretive in any way. Each individual should try to flourish as an individual while being considerate, truthful, and open to his or her partner. Secrecy and marriage are incompatible. However, flourishing as an individual and having a good marriage are not incompatible.

If you want a great marriage, you will not want to put your spouse in a position where he or she has to play detective and is otherwise restricted from any aspect of your life. If you want a loving, fulfilling relationship, you will not want to block each other from social networks or have secret passwords to hide things from each other. Instead you will behave in a way that promotes the trust and the love you share.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen
@alisonpoulsen

Read “Creating Trust: ‘Don’t you trust me? Despite my faults, you know I love you.’”

Read “Can I trust you?”

"Magnificent Desolation" — Buzz Aldrin
by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire

The Observer/Investigator personality type* likes to live in an isolated, private world to avoid the emotional stress that comes with engaging others. Many have learned to detach themselves from emotional feeling in this way to defend themselves from psychic intrusion or neglect.

Observers find escape by intense involvement in their mental world. Their cerebral skills and competence seem to provide them security through understanding and distance. They can be physically present, yet feel a sense of detachment, watching what’s going on from a distance.

But distance also blocks the ability to deeply feel positive emotions. Thus, Observers often have difficulty feeling love and joy. They also have trouble expressing themselves freely and passionately.

Observers who want to enrich their lives and relationships can make an effort to become aware of their own feelings by trying to pay more attention to them through body work such as dance, massage or yoga, artwork, gestalt therapy or meditation with an emphasis on inner attention rather than detachment.

By delaying the impulse to replace feelings with mental analysis, Observers can learn to accept their feelings with less anxiety.

Observers might also learn to recognize when they feel the urge to withhold or withdraw from others. While it is not safe to open oneself up suddenly or dramatically, Observers can enhance their lives by gradually opening up and reaching out to others.

With patience, the change in the quality of life and relationships can be very rewarding.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

*Reference: “The Enneagram: Understanding Yourself and the Others in Your Life” by Helen Palmer.

Read “Pursuit and Distancing; Intimacy vs. Needing Space.”

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The Observer: “I like my privacy. I can do without people.”