"Piacevole" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
So what I really meant was…
“Take your time and let’s enjoy this wonderful meal!”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“Stop wolfing down your food!”
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Tag Archives: positive
“People are always criticizing me.”
“Alec” by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
If you are frequently criticized for a particular trait, you might consider whether people have a point. But if you seem to generally bring out the critical side of people, it could be that you are influencing this pattern by your demeanor.
As we grow up, we learn to anticipate how people are going to treat us before we actually interact. That anticipation makes it more likely that things will happen the way we expect. Our facial expressions and body language convey our expectations, and people tend to respond as we expect them to.
If you are used to being criticized, you anticipate feeling hurt and dejected. Just before an interaction, you may start reacting by slight cringing, looking down, or looking unsure. When people subliminally notice dejected body language, it often brings out their critical side.
It may be time to purposely change those expectations and corresponding body language. At first, you can simply pretend that you expect to be accepted and appreciated, rather than criticized. In other words, when you approach others, anticipate the positive. Facial expressions that convey confidence, anticipating acceptance, tend to induce a favorable response.
Once people start responding more positively, you’ll no longer need to pretend to expect the best. It will come naturally.
by Alison Poulsen PhD
Read “I’m really upset about my child being made fun of at school.”
Watch “Quieting a Harsh Inner Critic.”
“I feel so critical of my partner. I can’t help pointing out every flaw.”
"Baby I love your Way" Peter Frampton by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
There are three important reasons to look for the positive in your partner. First, how you treat other people becomes who you are. Would you rather be understanding, supportive, appreciative and optimistic, or critical, stern, mean-spirited, and nit-picking? When you push yourself to act respectfully and overlook unimportant flaws, you will feel much better about yourself.
Second, how you judge others affects the way they behave and view themselves. When you point out how sloppy and clumsy another person is, those traits will become magnified. If, instead, you focus on their good qualities, they will tend to reflect those qualities.
Third, constant criticism will wreck a relationship and make you both miserable.
If you tend to be critical, you have to purposely develop the habit of appreciating the good in others. The neuro-plasticity of our brains allows us to change, but it requires a lot of practice. Every time you think, “What a slob,” you must force yourself to think and even express a different thought about the person, such as, “You are always there for me and the kids.” After 2000 or so thought switches, it becomes almost natural to change that particular thought. It also becomes easier to see the good in people around you, because they will thrive in an environment of appreciation.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Criticism and Contempt.”
Read “I’m shocked how much I criticize my dad for not standing up for himself.”