To sustain a long-term passionate relationship, a couple needs to balance two primary drives—the desire for togetherness and the desire for autonomy. While everyone has a different ideal balance point, it’s clear that the extremes of too much togetherness or too much independence can each generate their own problems.
You might be able to get your partner to stop pursuing their passion of choice, but first ask yourself the following questions:
Bringing passion back into your relationship depends on the qualities you bring to the relationship.
1. Vitality
Think of the people you find attractive and desirable. They are probably passionate about the people and pursuits in their lives.
How can you enhance your own life by pushing your own boundaries? For example, would you benefit by becoming more independent, romantic, fun, healthy, or fit? Everybody’s personality, interests, and life journey are different. One person may want to focus on developing Continue reading
“Why not?”―Einstein by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Good conversation has an edge. It opens your eyes to something, stirs your imagination, reverberates in your mind later in the day. Your mind has been sparked.
What if you start worrying that the person you are conversing with will get angry or roll his or her eyes at you? Fear of someone’s reactions will stifle your imagination and creative thinking. The possibility for a good conversation will shut down.
Intimacy means sharing your depth, vulnerability, and creative imagination. Intimacy vanishes when someone is threatened by another person’s ideas. Intimacy also evaporates when someone desperately craves agreement and support at all costs.
When we strive to balance two fundamental drives: our desire for connection and our desire for individuality, our sense of self becomes more resilient, allowing our conversations to become freer, deeper and more meaningful.
People who have some emotional autonomy don’t need to have their ideas constantly validated; they are not afraid to express an absurb or eccentric idea.
Emotional autonomy allows people to have true intimacy in conversation, because they don’t pressure others to support them emotionally. Support becomes voluntary and thus more honest and meaningful.
Emotional autonomy frees up conversation to be experimental, more passionate, stirring and stimulating.
The first step toward meaningful conversation is to listen and engage the other person with presence, openness, and curiosity. The next step is to dance with the idea and give it a twirl in an unexpected direction.
Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“First Encounter” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Guessing game: Cycle of fusion
People often mistake intimacy with a feeling of closeness and “being one” that comes from all-encompassing agreement and approval, similar to the feeling of falling in love. So in their quest for intimacy, they will anticipate the other person’s response to decide whether to avoid saying something controversial or to show a new side of themselves. If they foresee disapproval, they will screen themselves and limit their expression to what’s tried and true between them. Or they will pressure the other person into agreeing with them.
Unfortunately, too much self-screening and manipulation start the cycle of emotional fusion (co-dependence) and lead away from growth and intimacy in a relationship.
Agreement vs intimacy
People do not get to know one another intimately when they conceal who they are and what they think. When two people are always in complete agreement and busy soothing each other’s egos, their relationships become tedious.
Intimacy develops when people express who they are more fully, even when it does not lead to a feeling of oneness. People may say they want more intimacy, but in fact, real intimacy may be too much for many to tolerate.
Tolerating the anxiety of intimacy
To deepen intimacy, two people must get to know each other more deeply. They each have to be able to express who they are, what they feel, and what they believe. This requires being able to handle the possibility of not getting approval, and that can trigger anxiety. Thus, by developing a better tolerance for anxiety, you enhance your ability to deepen intimacy.
Of course there is some limit as to what you should express to others. You don’t need to share every thought and feeling. There is a point where consideration and discernment count more than blunt honesty and openness. You also don’t want to bore others by expressing every thought you have. It’s important, for example, to avoid expressing every criticism or self-criticism that comes to your mind.
Get comfortable with discomfort
If you get comfortable with discomfort, you no longer need to feign agreement, laugh at a poor joke, or dumb down your conversation to avoid upsetting another person. Your relationships will be based on stimulating thoughts, growth, and authenticity rather than sham consensus.
Respectful communication
Intimate relationships develop best when you express your honest opinions respectfully, and most importantly, when you really listen to another person’s message without shutting him or her down. This means not being reactive — sarcastic, angry, or cold — when someone has an opinion that you disagree with. When you attack someone aggressively for their ideas, you are not encouraging them to be open and honest with you.
Respectful communication is different from acceptance and approval. Good communication does not necessarily make the other person feel his or her opinions are validated, but it also does not make the other person feel rejected or attacked.
Learn to reveal yourself, your opinions, and feelings respectfully, and to listen with equanimity. You will find that, with the right people, you will truly get to know one another, and develop meaningful, intimate relationships that are much more fulfilling than those based on self-screening and validation.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Passion vs. Predictability: The Problem with Emotional Fusion.”
Read “Emotionally Volatile People: ‘He can be so charming and then so defiant.’”
“Long Drive” — Jim Furyk by Mimi Stuart ©
Should you push your partner to stop pursuing their passions?
People often push their partner to stop pursuing their interests in favor of spending more time together as a couple. The pursuing partner may genuinely want to spend more time together or he or she may be reacting to feelings of jealousy or insecurity. Feelings of insecurity in particular will cause someone to try to control the other person and become possessive.
Some partners find it uncomfortable to deal with their partner’s insecurities. So they prefer to accommodate them. Often it is their own anxiety in face of a partner who is upset that they cannot tolerate. As a result, when their partner pressures them to give up their interests, they give in quickly in order to avoid conflict.
Long-term problems of appeasement
When your partner appeases you, you may feel temporary relief. However, ongoing appeasement will create long-term problems. The result of repressing your own desires can result in a gradual deadening of the soul, growing resentment, boredom, and a loss of passion within the relationship.
When your partner continuously appeases you at the expense of their own interests, they will lose some of their passion for life and for you. Moreover, as appeasement becomes the norm, you will both feel increasingly burdened by an obligation to appease each other. As a result, one or both of you will become more and more vulnerable to the other person’s manipulation.
Long-term intimacy and accommodation
True intimacy evolves when you don’t manipulate your partner to accommodate your needs and desires. Long-term passionate intimacy requires that two people have a strong enough sense of self that each can spend time separately pursuing their own individual interests.
To sustain a long-term passionate relationship, you need to balance two primary drives — the desire for togetherness and the desire for autonomy. While everyone has a different ideal balance point, it is clear that the extremes of too much togetherness or too much independence each generate their own problems.
If you really love someone, you do not want that person to stop pursuing their passions and interests. Nor should you want to make that person feel guilty for pursuing them. It’s not much fun spending time with someone who feels stifled and held back. The very reason you love a person has a lot to do with their vitality and individual interests. So it is both wise and loving to encourage them to continue to pursue their interests.
Empower yourself
When you feel threatened by your partner spending time apart from you, here are some steps to empower yourself and the relationship.
1. Desire the best for your partner.
You will have a better relationship if your partner is happy. It reflects well on you and you will be more attracted to your partner if your partner is passionate about life rather than unhappy about it.
2. Be curious about your partner’s interests.
You don’t want to become a couple that has nothing to talk about. Don’t feel resentment about your partner’s fishing, golfing, or reading. Instead, ask about their interests, their progress, and other details. Find genuine joy in what they appreciate about their pursuits and passions.
3. Pursue something you enjoy.
Start pursuing your own passions. If you don’t have any, try out different activities, sports, or hobbies, or take some classes. The experience of trying new things will make your life richer. When you keep your life engaged, you enhance your life, which also makes you more interesting to be with. Taking on challenges builds a healthy confidence and joie de vivre. Even failed pursuits make for great stories. All of this will lead you to a more interesting and passionate relationship.
4. Make your time together more enjoyable.
Plan activities together that your partner will want to participate in. Spending some time together is important. Rather than spending that time complaining about your partner’s passions, think about pursuits that you can do together that may be interesting or pleasant for both of you. Talk to your partner about what your interests and passions are.
While it is important to spend some time together, couples keep their relationships alive when they do not spend all their time together. When you encourage your partner to pursue their passions, they will be grateful to be with someone who is truly loving.
Loving someone means respecting their autonomy and wanting them to be truly happy.
Alison Poulsen, PhD