Tag Archives: Parenting

Parenting too Strictly:
“Because I said so!”

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"Mysterious" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Parents who use dominance and threats without explanation to get their children to do what they want will probably succeed. Fear works – but only in the short-term.

However, there are several long-term negative results that often occur:

1. The children lose respect for their parents.

2. They learn to hide things from their parents and will not bring up questions or problems for discussion as they know that their parents are not willing to engage in a dialogue, preferring black-and-white direction and instructions.

3. They do not learn critical thinking, which involves looking at the pros and cons in a given situation. Nor do they learn to think with complexity about the mysteries of the world.

4. They may become victims of other domineering people, such as controlling spouses, employers, and social groups. Peer pressure also becomes a problem with kids who are strictly controlled.

While it takes more effort to have a reasonable discussion with reasonable explanations, it helps your children develop thinking skills of their own.

Beware, however, of the other extreme of explaining too much. Parents cannot expect their children to be happy with every rule or task they are asked to do. Children are unlikely to jump with joy and say, “Yes, I’d love to clean the kitchen!”

Yet, with respectful discussion, their spirits won’t be suppressed, and their thinking won’t be stifled. In the end they will respect you more for it.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Authoritative vs. Permissive Parenting.”

Narcissism Part 3 (of 5): “You are the smartest kid ever!” Avoid raising narcissistic children.

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"Olympic Adonis" Michael Phelps by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Children who grow up to be narcissistic adults seek praise as addicts seek their drug of choice—in increasing quantities from anyone who will give it to them. Neglect, abuse, harsh criticism, and erratic or exaggerated praise can lead children to feel unloved for being who they are. To avoid raising a narcissist, a parent needs to be present, empathetic, accepting, and consistently responsive to the young child’s needs.

1. Presence

We can be busy most of the day but it’s important to take some time every day to simply enjoy your young child. When you have a child on your lap while talking on the phone, you’re not present to the child. The mental/emotional presence is the important factor, even for an infant. Ultimately, spending time and playing with a child is one of the most fulfilling things we can do.

2. Empathy

Showing empathy when children express their feelings and ideas allows them to develop empathy for themselves, and eventually for others as well. Parents shouldn’t deny, downplay, or redirect their children’s feelings. Nor should they overreact when children disagree or share experiences. Otherwise, they will develop shame and learn to hide their opinions and experiences in the future.

3. Consistently responsive to the child’s needs

Parents should become aware of ways in which they project their own needs for status or convenience onto their children. By becoming aware of our own biases and desires, we can become more open to really listening to what the child needs and desires. This doesn’t mean becoming an indulgent parent; it simply means being open to the fact that our children are distinct individuals. So, rather than projecting on them our own desires that they become football quarterbacks or Olympic stars, we can allow them to develop their own direction.

4. Acceptance

Accepting children means interacting with them without constantly judging them positively or negatively. When we play referee with regard to every action they take, we miss out on really knowing and loving our children.

Excessive praise often causes kids to secretly fear being found out that they are not really as talented or smart as thought. The child may also hyper-inflate the importance of the attributes praised, while neglecting or concealing other perceived weaknesses.

While parents have to have expectations and give guidance, children should not be made to feel that they can’t do anything right. Criticism is much more effective when it’s constructive and given in reasonably small doses.

No parent is perfect. But if, for the most part, we can provide guidance while be accepting of our children, they are likely to become compassionate, authentic, and self-reflective adults.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read Narcissism Part 4: Celebrity, Power, and Prestige.

References: “Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders.”

“I’ve told you kids a thousand times to say “Thank you, #!*%*!!”

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"The Blue Bird's Song" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Kids need to be reminded thousands of times to say “Please” and “Thank you.” The fact that they don’t remember does not mean that they are obtuse or rude. It’s simply a steep learning curve to say these extra words when the very same parents excitedly gave them exactly what they wanted when they cried as infants or demanded something as toddlers.

Children feel more and more entitled when their parents don’t require enough of them. Yet, getting angry at even the rudest children will not help them remember to be polite. We have to keep reminding kids to be polite without harshly demanding, “Say “Thank you #!*%*!!”

Brain wiring requires constant repetition as well as appropriate consequences. Holding back the dessert or dinner for a moment and saying, “Show a little appreciation” or “Say ‘Thank you'” with a smile helps remind them. Give them what they want only once they say “Please.” So, when they say, “Can I have another cookie?” you could simply pause and raise your eyebrows quizzically until they add, “Please.”

Also keep letting them know that when they are thankful, it makes you WANT to cook for them, drive them to town, and help them with their homework again.

Developing gratitude in children increases their awareness of other people. Rather than remaining like infants where the world revolves around them, they start recognizing the effort that others make to improve their lives. This in turn makes them able to connect with others from a less egocentric standpoint, and allows them to lead happier, more meaningful lives.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Over-mothering.”

“My son’s the best: he got straight A’s again and is the basketball team captain!”

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"Sacred" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

It’s fine to express your pride in your kids with your family and close friends. But telling other people about their many successes can be annoying, uninteresting, or cause others to doubt their own parenting skills.

We’re all happy when our children succeed, but too much emphasis on their successes could indicate that our own identity is tied too closely to their achievements. That’s not to say that their achievements shouldn’t be enjoyed, but beware of seeking confirmation for your own value through being the parent of a “successful” kid.

Also beware of letting your children hear you bragging about them too much. Sometimes we think accolades will boost a child’s self-esteem. But excessive praise sends the message that the child’s accomplishments are all that matter.

Too much emphasis on achievement can have the effect of minimizing other worthy qualities, such as kindness, effort, and a sense of humor. It may be preferable to recognize a child’s effort and compassion rather than praising results only.

Often it is better to relate to our children without constantly judging them, either positively or negatively.

Rather than comparing our children to Einstein, both parents and children can be inspired by Einstein’s wise words: “The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of [other] living things nobler and more beautiful.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Encouraging Effort in your Children.”