Tag Archives: parenting styles

“I never want to parent the way my parents did.”

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"Moderato" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Even with the best of intentions, when you parent in reaction to your own parents, you often go too far to the opposite extreme.

People with negligent parents often want to make sure their children know they love them or try to become close friends with them, and as a result they may become overly-indulgent. People with smothering parents want to give their children space, but in doing so, may become too laissez-faire and disconnected. People with strict parents often want to allow their children the freedom they never had, and as a result, may become overly-permissive. People who grew up in chaos may want to provide their children structure and boundaries for their protection, protection they never had, but sometimes go overboard in enforcing too many rules.

When you’re trying to make up for what you didn’t receive as a child, you often unknowingly go too far in the other direction, with some unexpected results. The most painful consequence is that the children don’t appreciate the very thing you’re trying so hard to offer them—that which you did not receive.

Extreme styles of parenting generally work only for the short-term and have unintended consequences.

Children with highly authoritarian parents will be obedient. Yet, they tend to develop a strong inner critic and hide things from their parents.

Children with indulgent parents will be pleased to get whatever they want. However, they may not develop much self-discipline or the ability to delay gratification, which can lead to a lack of motivation.

Children with emotionally-distant parents often become independent, but at the cost of having difficulty sharing what’s in their heart and developing close, interpersonal relationships.

Children with controlling or smothering parents often become rebellious or resentful, hiding their real feelings and thoughts.

It’s best to aim for balance and moderation. Strict parenting in moderation provides secure structure. Indulgence in moderation teaches compassion. Control in moderation offers necessary guidance. Negligence in appropriate moderation allows a child to develop independence and learn from experience.

If you look back how your own parents brought you up, it’s likely that they were either emulating their parents or reacting to their parents. It’s easy to adapt an extreme position—letting your children do whatever they want to, or telling them, “Do it because I said so!” A more difficult but satisfying way to parent is to make small meaningful changes from your parents and to seek a wholesome balance.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Authoritarian vs Permissive Parenting.”

Read “Dependent Young Adults: ‘We’ve given you every advantage! Don’t you want to do something with your life?’”

Read “Enantiadromia: How extremes turn into their opposite.”

Good-enough Parenting:
“I feel so bad when I let my children down.”

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“Fire ‘n Ice” — Mark Wood & Laura Kaye
by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

Parental neglect or abuse can cause a child to toughen up, but often at the expense of the child shutting down feelings of empathy and love as well. Some parents never apologize to their children or admit to themselves that their actions have any impact on their kids, even if they knowingly mistreat or neglect them. Others cater to their children’s every whim causing them to become dependent and entitled.

Parents clearly have an impact on their children, but not every mistake they make has a profound negative effect on them. Children are very resilient.

It appears that the best parents are those who are conscientious about avoiding the extremes, but without being overly concerned about being perfect. There’s no way to avoid making mistakes. In fact, it turns out to be good for children if their parents make some mistakes, especially if they acknowledge the more significant mistakes.

Child psychologist Donald Winnicott coined the phrase “good-enough mothering,” which means that ordinary caring of a child by a devoted parent is healthiest for the child. Children who as infants were picked up and held when they were in distress thrive. Yet, some parental “mistakes” including moderate anger, mild neglect, and delays in response enable children to learn that they can handle the anxiety that accompanies uncertainty and difficulties in life.

Ideally, children learn to handle frustration and stress in their lives gradually. Obviously, infants need much more immediate love, care, and attention than older children. For example, while it’s all right to let a baby wait briefly before responding to his or her crying, teenagers should be able to handle waiting much longer to have their needs responded to.

Later in life, a person who has developed resiliency without losing access to feelings can handle people who are difficult, controlling, or unreliable with the confidence that comes with the ability to handle stress.

All children experience some pain as a result of their parents’ anger, lack of care, and other imperfections. Those experiences are in part what makes them capable of surviving in a world that is not a bed of roses. If we’re too careful as parents, children don’t learn to deal with life’s difficulties on their own. A little stress can be a good thing.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Dependent Young Adults: ‘We’ve given you every advantage! Don’t you want to do something with your life?’”

Read “‘My parent didn’t care about me.’ How we develop Defense Mechanisms (Part II)”

Watch “Authoritarian vs Permissive Parenting.”

“You think I’m too indulgent with the kids? Well, I don’t want to be a dictator like you!”

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"Burning the Ice" Dan Jansen by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Parents often disagree on how to raise their children, which can easily turn into a running battle of wills. In most cases, one parent is more permissive, warm, and accommodating, while the other is more authoritarian, strict, and rule-oriented.

For instance, one parent wants to let the children eat whenever and whatever they want, while the other has specific rules about when and what they should eat. Usually a middle ground is appropriate. But even the slightest difference in the middle ground can cause conflict between parents.

Without appreciating what the other parent is trying to accomplish, discussion can easily turn into a vitriolic argument. The best way to approach the other parent is by truly understanding and validating the values at the core of his or her parenting style. When we sincerely validate other people’s values, they are more likely to be open up to our ideas.

Authoritarian parents want their children to develop self-discipline and perseverance, qualities needed to make it in the world. Permissive parents desire that their children experience acceptance, happiness, and freedom.

BOTH sets of core values are important for a child’s healthy development; yet, each parenting style in the extreme is detrimental. When we integrate both sets of values and reflect on them from time to time to avoid extremes, wild fluctuations between lenience and severity toward the children diminish.

So if an authoritarian parent says in a stern voice to the child, “Eat your broccoli!” the other spouse could say to the authoriatarian parent later in private, “I agree that it’s important that the child eat vegetables instead of junk food. It’s important for me, and I think, more effective to use a kind, or at least respectful, rather than commanding tone of voice.”

On the other hand, a permissive parent might give in to a surly child’s demand: “I’m not eating this health food for dinner. I’m going to have fruit loops!” The other parent could then respond to the permissive parent later in private with something like, “I know you want to give our children freedom. But they also need to develop healthy eating habits, and to avoid becoming too picky and over-indulged. Let’s give them fewer choices and no choice at all when they speak disrespectfully.”

No two people will ever agree exactly on how to parent, and that’s all right. In the real world our kids will have to adapt to many different people’s expectations and attitudes. Having discussions, being flexible, yet, accepting differences in parenting style from your spouse will benefit both the couple’s relationships and the kids’ development.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Authoritarian vs. Permissive Parenting.”

Read “Over-mothering.”

Read “Parenting Together.”