When people feel comfortable and secure in their relationship, they often lose desire and passion. Once someone becomes too familiar, the mystery that fuels desire fades.
Why people fall out of love
1. Criticizing to prevent change
As people come to value the security of their relationship, novelty can feel threatening. Anything new can be met with a negative remark or a roll of the eyes. To make sure that accustomed habits stay the same, people will discourage their partner’s growth. The consequence is that they lose the joy and passion of being in love. Continue reading →
A relationship is made up of the totality of interactions between two people. All the fleeting moments, glances, words, and focus of energy sculpt a relationship. Consider whether most of the interactions in your relationship consist of those on the first list or those on the second:
When two people first meet, strong attraction can sustain a great deal of togetherness. However, sustaining the enjoyment in a relationship over the long term is an art that requires skill and practice. This is true for all relationships not just romantic ones. Specific changes in our daily interactions can enhance our relationships.
Questions to consider to improve your relationships:
1. Social media
Do you check social media too frequently, which distracts you from being present with people or doing something ultimately more fulfilling? If so, limit your time with social media or at least postpone checking and responding to social media. This will make you a better friend, parent, and spouse and leave more time for doing things that truly inspire you.
2. Messy or thoughtless
Do you leave dirty dishes in the kitchen or a mess around the house? If so, consider how that impacts you and the people you live with. There is no extra effort in cleaning up now rather than later. It simply requires changing the timing of when you do it.
3. Lack of self-care
Do you eat junk food and forget to get exercise? If so, think about how your lack of self-care makes you feel less healthy and attractive to both you and to those around you. Taking care of your health and physical vitality affects both you and others.
4. Rude or complaining
Do you frequently complain or display rudeness or disrespect? Staying calm and taking time to think before you communicate will greatly affect your relationships and effectiveness in the world. Noticing and appreciating good things about people and the events in your life will also improve your relationships and increase your own happiness.
5. Not present
Are you often in a rush because you’ve taken on too many responsibilities? There is nothing more annoying than being with someone who always has more “important” things on his or her mind. The message a busy person conveys is that other people are not that important.
Some people have no choice but to have several jobs and to carry a large burden in life. Even so, it’s important to make the effort to be present with loved ones. Other people, however, have chosen to be busy and blame their haste on deadlines that they have chosen to make a priority.
You gain freedom in your life when you realize that many of the duties and endeavors on your list are the result of the choices you make. Saying “yes” to your top priorities and “no” to a few lesser priorities will free up your time so you can truly enjoy your life and your relationships.
Conclusion
If you want a good relationship, communicate in a way that deepens the relationship and builds upon positive interactions. If you want a great relationship, practice being thoughtful, respectful, reasonable, and enjoyable, and sustain an atmosphere of desire.
If you want more fun, be more fun and do more enjoyable things together. If you want more passion, take care of your physical and emotional health, be more sensual, and seduce your partner with your own vitality and desire.
Falling in love involves an unconscious as well as physical and chemical response to another person, which is much more compelling than simply finding someone to be attractive and compatible. Often, when we fall in love, we get a feeling of wholeness because we have met someone who carries qualities we lack in an irresistible way.
For example, a practical, rational man falls in love with a spiritual or emotional woman, even though most women of that type annoy him. Or a strong, assertive woman falls in love with a sensitive, artistic man, even though she finds most such men to be weak.
The conscious mind seeks similarity and is repelled by the opposite. The unconscious, however, seeks balance, and is drawn to the qualities one needs most, but only when they are expressed in an acceptable and appealing way.
Being in love creates an anticipation of fulfillment because the unconscious senses the possibility of becoming whole, if only we could integrate those unfamiliar qualities that reside in the Other without rejecting our own primary personality. The initial falling in love, like infatuation, overwhelms us with a feeling that involves a chemical response akin to being intoxicated. We’re in a state of awe and wonder regarding our partner, which often inspires our partner to feel confident, happy, and open — three enticing qualities that keep the magic going.
Falling out of Love
Later in the relationship, the chemical cocktail of oxytocin and dopamine from the initial romantic attraction wears off. At that point, unless we are the exception and continue to cherish our partner and integrate some of those needed contrasting qualities of our partner, those same qualities that drew the unconscious in often start driving us crazy. The conscious mind is back in charge, viewing our partner’s differences with negative judgment.
For example, the practical, rational man can no longer stand his partner’s emotional melodramatics. Or the strong, assertive woman is now turned off by her partner’s vulnerability.
The irony is that as partners reject those contrasting qualities, they polarize into extremes, exhibiting their opposing qualities in an increasingly unattractive way. No wonder many people ask themselves, “What happened to the person I married?”
The rational man becomes cold, causing the emotional woman to become histrionic in an effort to get him to show his emotions. When he finally does show his emotions, they are the emotions of anger and resentment, not love and compassion.
Or the strong woman becomes demanding and tough, causing the sensitive man to feel helpless and unseen. “Be a man!” she demands, which only causes him to feel utterly impotent. She loses her opportunity to gain some needed sensitivity; he misses out on developing some needed strength. Love as a Chosen Attitude
How we treat another person affects the other person’s confidence and often causes him or her to gain or lose desirability in our eyes. The more we appreciate our partner, the more he or she carries the qualities we fell in love with in an enticing way, and thus, the more likely we are to get that loving feeling back again.
The conscious act of love involves choosing to have an attitude of appreciation for our partner, and particularly for his or her differences as we did when we fell in love. Thus, love is in large part dependent on our intention, appreciation, and action.
Invest in the Person
To reclaim the feeling of love, both partners need to choose to invest their time and energy in their relationship, particularly where their most stark differences lie. That doesn’t mean that they should spend every minute together, becoming fused and codependent. However, they both must choose to make their relationship a primary focus in their lives by doing some of the following:
1. Respect each Other: We need to speak as though the other person has influence over us, without being dismissive or condescending. We need to repeatedly interact with each other in ways that show that we think the other is competent and capable. Again, this requires that we don’t let our conscious preferences, such as being practical, sensitive, or tough, be in charge of our reactions.
2. Plan the Future: When couples no longer talk about their dreams, hopes, and plans, this often indicates that their relationship is in decline. Talking about plans for the future—this weekend, next year, and twenty years from now—creates anticipation for the future as a couple. Current difficulties are easier to deal with when couples have something to look forward to. 3. Trust: A loving relationship is based on trust, that is, on having faith that our partner is dependable, honest, and faithful. Showing faith and trust in our partner often helps develop trust. We do this by gradually disclosing more about who we are to the other person without fearing that we will be judged and rejected, and without manipulating the other person into approving and agreeing with us all the time. We must also have the discipline to avoid re-actively criticizing our partner when he or she discloses personal thoughts and feelings. 4. Enjoy: Enjoying the other person’s company with his or her differences is an important feature of love. We should get pleasure from doing things together and from supporting and caring for the other person.
5. Take Action: Doing things for another person can be an expression of love. We can create feelings of love through acting out of love, rather than passively waiting for those feelings of infatuation to overcome us. If both people are passively waiting to feel in love again, they are likely to be disappointed.
6. Be Affectionate: With loyalty, affection, and faithfulness, intimacy deepens into something even more meaningful than the initial feelings of falling in love.
7. Cultivate Passion: Sustaining passion requires intense engagement, fascination, and thinking about the other person with desire. This is something we can actively conjure up rather than passively waiting for it.
Sustaining love is an art, which requires conscious cultivation. Yet, it can be deeper, more meaningful, and just as passionate as the initial infatuation. It starts with our own conscious choice to appreciate and enjoy the differences between us.
As the rational man in our example opens his heart and expresses some emotion, his partner may learn to contain some of her emotion rather than gushing, which will benefit both partners and the relationship. As the strong, assertive woman accesses some sensitivity and restrains her desire to be in control, she makes room for her partner to become self-empowered and less driven by his vulnerability. Ideally, both partners strive for more balance within themselves, which is part of the journey toward individuation.
Often, the more we embrace and try to integrate our partner’s different way of being, the more our partner will gain a more balanced way of being as well, resulting in both partners blossoming into more whole and individuated people.
How often have you heard people say, “I still love him/her, but I’m not in love anymore”? Very often this loss of passion is the result of falling into a “positive bonding pattern” through countless decisions to hide true opinions and feelings to appease the other person.
“Positive bonding patterns,” which feel good at first because they are comfortable and safe, are ironically detrimental for the long-term health of a relationship. Each person puts on an attitude of agreement to placate the other and to avoid bringing up painful points of view or differing opinions. Each accommodates the other beyond the point of reasonable compromise.
Positive bonding patterns usually occur because we don’t want to rock the boat. Anxious to avoid upsetting the other person, we keep difficult thoughts and feelings to ourselves and put on a happy face.
However, thoughts and feelings that are hidden in a relationship will grow and fester. Eventually, the positive bonding pattern will lead to a lifeless relationship or a negative bonding pattern, in which fighting, anger, and bitterness will consume the relationship.
If a woman, for instance, doesn’t like the way her partner physically touches her but never says anything about it, the physical relationship is likely to peter out. She might remain agreeable, but she will find ways of avoiding physical intimacy.
Likewise, a man who never reveals that he dislikes the way his partner treats him may suddenly leave the relationship after years of acquiescence, in search of the dignity and respect he craves.
If one person does not express his or her differing opinions, discussions are likely to become dull and one-sided, and eventually come to an end. Silent judgments intensify. The relationship becomes stagnant and predictable. Sexual intimacy loses its passion or disappears. One’s opinions and preferences go underground. One loses one’s passion for life, and ultimately, one’s sense of self.
Here are some keys to avoid a positive bonding pattern:
1. Learn to communicate effectively, so that you can be honest without being offensive.
2. Avoid pretending to think or feel something that you don’t in order to keep the peace. You’re less likely to develop underground judgments and resentments.
3. Resist becoming overly dependent on another person, and you’ll feel less need to mollify the other.
4. Minimize overreacting, manipulating, and controlling your partner into doing what you want and agreeing with you, and it will be easier for your partner to retain a sense of self, which is vital for sustaining a long-term passionate relationship.
