If you want to improve your life it’s important to be able to be assertive and speak your mind. However, if speaking up turns into a habit of complaining, you and those close to you will suffer.
Here are ten reasons not to let complaining become a habit:
1. It’s unattractive. When people complain, they focus on the negative without looking for solutions, and they tend to use a whiny tone of voice, all of which is a turn off.
2. You will push interesting people away. People who complain all the time are boring and tiresome. Continue reading →
“I have always been very, very close with my mom. However, her constant complaining and negative attitude has always taken a huge toll on me. When I was younger I would have violent outbursts and hit objects because I became so frustrated. The concept of emotional fusion might explain my inability to be in real intimate relationships. Whenever I’m in a long-term relationship, I lose all of my passions, desires, and goals in life, simply to make the other person happy. I was wondering if you had any advice going forward regarding intimate relationships as it is something I crave yet am utterly and completely terrified to enter one again.” Emotional Fusion
Yes, it sounds like emotional fusion may be the issue. When you are a child and dependent on a parent, especially when there is only one primary parent taking care of you or you feel very close to that parent, it is natural to focus excessively on tuning into and accommodating your parent’s needs.
As you grow up from childhood to adolescence and into young adulthood, it is natural and healthy to gain more independence, both in action and thought. A self-centered or unhappy parent is likely to feel threatened by a child’s natural drive for independence, and thus, become volatile and controlling. The child, as a result, will feel constrained or manipulated by the parent, while simultaneously needing the parent. These contrasting emotions create a great deal of inner conflict, which can lead to outbursts, tantrums, or depression.
Togetherness and Separateness
Both drives are natural:
1) the desire to accommodate and avoid disappointing the parent, and
2) the drive toward independence and attaining your own happiness.
But if these two drives are not allowed to coexist, the result will be great tumult and frustration. These drives will conflict when a parent unconsciously or consciously tries to suppress their child’s independence and need for emotional separation. The child senses that independence in emotions, thoughts or actions is risky and dangerous, which leads to feelings of resentment, anger, guilt, or depression.
Ideally, a parent balances rules with freedom, that is, having boundaries and guidelines with compassionately allowing their children to develop emotional and mental separation and autonomy. Of course, there is no such thing as an ideal parent. Some may tend to smother their children in some respects while others tend to neglect them, at least to some degree. The greater the parent’s emotional reactivity is to the child’s emotions and actions, the greater the emotional fusion.
Future relationships
A person who is emotionally fused with their parent while growing up will tend to become emotionally fused with others in future relationships. They tend to assume they are responsible for the other person’s happiness. As a result, they lose sight of their own desires and goals.
It is fine to want your partner to be happy, but when it becomes your primary motivation, you fall into a no-win trap. Your happiness and vitality become dependent on the other person’s happiness, which puts an undue burden on both you and the other person, because you cannot make another person happy. You are aiming for something which you do not control, and actually shouldn’t control. Also, there is often an unspoken expectation that the other person owes you, and should make you happy in return, which leads to further disappointment and resentment.
Advice
My advice is to start imagining specific past situations where you have either submitted to doing something you didn’t want to do, responded with anger, or felt a distinct loss of enthusiasm and vitality. Then think of a new way you could have responded using a calm and considered approach, while honoring your own needs. It is generally not good to dwell on the past. But by considering real examples, which tend to repeat themselves, you can practice and prepare yourself for the next time you find yourself in a similar situation.
The goal is to learn to speak up for yourself while still respecting the other person, but leaving it up to them how they will feel and respond. Let go of your desire to insure that the other person will be happy and pleased with everything you say and do. Be considerate without becoming responsible for their reactions and emotions.
Examples
Do you put up with ongoing complaints? Then practice your response. For example, “I’m so sorry you are unhappy. Let me know if there’s something specific I can do. But when you keep telling me how unhappy you are, it also brings me down, and it’s not helpful for either of us.” If that person gets angry, repeat yourself once, and then say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and drop it or leave.
Do you spend too much time together, or do you give up doing things you love to do? Then find a way to do what is important to you, and express yourself without feeling guilty. For example, “Thanks for inviting me, but I need to get some exercise,” or “I have a project I’m working on at home,” or “I have been out too much lately.”
Do you focus too much on what the other person wants? Then become hyper aware of your tendency to neglect your own needs while focusing excessively on the other person’s needs. Express and pursue your desires with a matter of fact quality, “Sorry I can’t be there tonight. I need to catch up on sleep,” or “I was looking forward to practicing the guitar,” or “I need to rest and chill.” Anyone who easily disregards your needs is not someone you should lavish your attention on.
Do you feel that you have to fix things when the other person is sad, frustrated, or in pain? Be kind and compassionate, but resist your impulse to be responsible for fixing another person’s problems and moods. Use a firm, kind, calm voice, make no excuses, assign no guilt or blame. Wish them will while respecting your own space and needs. Use words like, “I wish/hope/want you to be happy/feel better/have a good evening,… but I need/would like/want to get some rest/see my old friend/catch up on reading….”
If the other person gets angry or feels hurt when you state your needs, then you may need to disengage from that relationship. A relationship that requires you to suppress your own needs to satisfy another person’s is not reciprocal or ultimately, sustainable. Alternatively, a relationship in which each person is primarily responsible for expressing and pursuing their own desires while being considerate of the other person fosters freedom, vitality, accountability, and long-term sustainability.
We often dwell on specific, painful and negative events from our childhood.
“My mom passed out from drinking every night.”
“My dad hit me if I didn’t get straight As.”
“I hoard stuff because I grew up poor.”
Our childhood circumstances do affect us in many powerful ways. We should not glibly gloss over the past and thereby try to repress our anger, pain, or our heartfelt desires.
Yet we often create a story around our upbringing that actually constrains our lives by turning us into a lifelong victim.
Living in the past
Our interpretation of what happened and why we ended up the way we are is partly a work of fiction. More importantly, when we repeat the same stories to ourselves and others, we trap ourselves into being victims of our past.
Why do people reiterate the same simplistic, deterministic stories that interfere with their free will and personal responsibility, boring themselves and others? Because it is easy and comforting to do so. It gets us off the hook for taking responsibility for our lives. It is difficult and challenging to use fresh thinking instead of making excuses for our current situation by living in the past.
Personal responsibility
Of course you had bad luck in having an abusive parent, and no child is responsible for the bad behavior of their parent. Nonetheless we do grow up and develop strength and capabilities that allow us to make choices that determine a new path for our future.
Yes, some people had a tougher childhood than others. Yet the best way for all people to free themselves from the shackles of the past is by freeing themselves from their victim story. This means taking personal responsibility for the choices we make in life.
Healing fiction
Once we grow up, we have the choice to let go of the histories we cling to. Rather than thinking of yourself as a victim of your family dysfunction, you could think of yourself as someone who has learned important lessons during childhood, finding inner courage and resilience as a result. You could view your experience of pain and hardship as the way in which you developed your inner strength and your dreams.
You can use your creative intelligence and wisdom to look at your life through a new prism. When you transform the story about your past, you create an opportunity to direct your future. By becoming one who has successfully overcome past challenges, you invite inner strength and vitality into your life. Continued Evolution
We should continue to beware of clinging to our new story, however, even if it is one of redemption, recovery, or triumph over wrong-doing. Any story reiterated automatically becomes stale and thus prevents evolution, innovation, and inspiration in our lives.
Say you have overcome a miserable childhood by developing tremendous optimism. In general this will be a productive and positive way to improve your life. However, if tackling everything with optimism becomes the new story with which you identify, it may prevent you from becoming angry, having boundaries, making a complaint, or making an important change. Your story of optimism only allows you to conquer any difficult circumstances with a positive attitude. But even such a positive outlook can lead to naiveté, possible harm, and lack of growth when it is the only tool in your tool box. Always keep a place for standing up for yourself.
Therefore, it is wise not to allow one particular story to become the rigid definition of who you are, no matter how positive that story may appear to be.
"The Siren's Song" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
A little bit of gossip may be healthy when its purpose is to spread good news, to gain insight, or to protect a friend from harm. However, when spreading rumors only serves to get attention or malign someone, it brings everyone down and often indicates that the gossiper is not comfortable in his or her own skin.
When you feel yourself being lured into malicious gossip, spurring the perpetrator on with curiosity, agreement, and questions can lead to a conversation that will make you feel uncharitable and mean-spirited afterwards. Here are some ways to handle the conversation:
1. Change the Subject: “How’s your work going?” This is the easiest way to handle gossip.
2. Devil’s Advocate: “Let’s take a look at it from Jane’s side.” People who gossip are often used to getting others’ attention and agreement. They might be taken aback, and stop, if you defend the person being slandered. 3. Innuendo: “Let’s talk about something more positive and decide what we’re going to do this afternoon.” These statements imply disapproval, but are softened with an alternative topic of discussion. 4. Direct: “I feel uncomfortable listening to negative judgments and rumors about people unless we’re trying to help them.” This is direct and can be said to people who can handle honest criticism, or when gossip is particularly malicious.
"Baby I love your Way" Peter Frampton by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
There are three important reasons to look for the positive in your partner. First, how you treat other people becomes who you are. Would you rather be understanding, supportive, appreciative and optimistic, or critical, stern, mean-spirited, and nit-picking? When you push yourself to act respectfully and overlook unimportant flaws, you will feel much better about yourself.
Second, how you judge others affects the way they behave and view themselves. When you point out how sloppy and clumsy another person is, those traits will become magnified. If, instead, you focus on their good qualities, they will tend to reflect those qualities.
Third, constant criticism will wreck a relationship and make you both miserable.
If you tend to be critical, you have to purposely develop the habit of appreciating the good in others. The neuro-plasticity of our brains allows us to change, but it requires a lot of practice. Every time you think, “What a slob,” you must force yourself to think and even express a different thought about the person, such as, “You are always there for me and the kids.” After 2000 or so thought switches, it becomes almost natural to change that particular thought. It also becomes easier to see the good in people around you, because they will thrive in an environment of appreciation.
