Too much pursuit comes off as neediness. This doesn’t mean that you should pretend not to care, but that you must resist the impulse to pursue her. People lose their attraction to those who are needy or dwell in self-pity. They may feel secure and taken care of by pursuers, but they tend to lose their desire for them.

Your girlfriend cannot develop desire for you unless you become more desirable. Realizing that a one-sided relationship is not sustainable should help you to gain the strength to focus on other endeavors.

Enjoy autonomy

The most effective way to attract your girlfriend back and develop a mutually fulfilling relationship is to develop your ability to enjoy being alone and with people other than your girlfriend. If you dwell on how much you want your her back, you will continue to feel desperate and miserable, and you will continue to push her away. On the other hand, if you demonstrate self-respect and autonomy, your feelings of dejection will decrease, and she will find that more appealing.

As difficult as it may be when you feel heart-broken, it’s important for you to do the things that keep you healthy and involved in life. Your health and vitality are likely to blossom if you eat well, exercise, sleep, perform well at work, listen to music, see friends, and pursue your favorite activities as well as new ones.

You will be more attractive to your girlfriend if you stand on your own and live a full life than if you mope around hoping she’ll come back to you.

Break away from the norm

One of the best ways to get relief from yearning for someone who is not excited to be with you is to take a trip or try some new endeavors. If you can’t get away for a week or two, go to new places for an evening or a weekend. Doing things that are novel focuses your attention on the here and now, preventing you from brooding and obsessing over someone. Volunteering and helping others also stop you from falling into a state of self-pity.

When your girlfriend sees that you are living your life and not pursuing her, she may be drawn to you again and start pursuing you! If not, then it is advisable that you move on and continue to build your life.

If she does decide to come back to you, it’s important that you take your time to explore how to establish a good balance in your life and avoid excessive pursuit of her. One person should not have exclusive power to call all the shots. You do not want to continue to be at the mercy of her whims. You will find that a moderate amount of your personal independence will enhance all your relationship with others.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Read “My parent didn’t care about me.” How we develop Defense Mechanisms (Part II)

Read “Dysfunctional Parents: ‘My parents were so dysfunctional, I don’t even know what a good relationship looks like.’”

Read “Pursuit and Distancing: Intimacy vs. Needing Space”