Tag Archives: loss

James Hillman: Depression in a Manic Society—“I have to stay busy. If I stop, I’ll feel sad and empty inside.”

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"Percussion" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

There are many good things about being active and working hard. Yet, some people display a mania in the busy-ness of their lives as a manic defense against depression. They fear that their energy and purpose will suddenly collapse if they slow down. And it might, at least temporarily.

Those people often carry many of the characteristics of mania: excessively outgoing, optimistic, euphoric, aggressive and argumentative. Their lives are so complex and fast paced that they have no time to reflect. They move with a speed that leads to an absence of inwardness. If there is no time for introspection and loss, the losses will mount until they eventually become unbearable and overcome us.

Slowing down even to experience sadness can be restorative of psychological health. James Hillman* said that “through depression we enter depths and in depths find soul.” Melancholy and sadness can bring refuge, focus, gravity, weight, and humble powerlessness—all necessary to discover consciousness and depth.

Hillman suggests that by slowing down and finding depth in our lives, we can find a way of living multiple-mindedly rather than single-mindedly. By pausing, we find what’s interesting—depth, fantasy and image.

Most changes are undertaken more successfully if approached incrementally and with moderation. Rather than abruptly ending an on-the-go lifestyle, taking some time each day to do nothing or to stroll leisurely without an agenda will allow unconscious contents to bubble to the surface.

The unconscious is like a rebellious teenager. If you repress either for too long, you’re in for some unpleasant surprises. It’s less risky to make time for hidden feelings and thoughts to arise, than to stay too busy to deal with them.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

• Renegade psychologist James Hillman died last week on October 27. The notes included here are from his seminar I attended in Santa Barbara called “Depression in a Manic Society” in 2000.

Read “Mild Depression and the Blues.”

When a friend has lost a loved one: “I haven’t called because I don’t know what to say.”

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"Blue Note" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

When a person experiences a tragedy like the loss of a child or partner, that loss will remain at the forefront of his or her mind for a very long time.

People are different in how they’d like to be approached about their loss. However, most people prefer that others acknowledge their loss in some manner—either through direct contact or at least a card.

While eventually the loss will feel less painful, life will never be the same after losing a child or partner. People who have lost a loved one need to grieve. It’s not usually helpful to point out that their pain may diminish. The idea of feeling better can seem like a betrayal of their love for that person.

Nothing you say will eliminate the pain. The most meaningful thing you can do is to reach out and acknowledge that loss and to remember the life of the loved one. You can also ask what you can do to help, such as bringing a meal or going to the store. You can express your compassion by simply being present or giving a hug without a word.

Most importantly, don’t avoid talking about and helping celebrate the loved one’s life. In a way people whom we love stay alive within us. Those who care most won’t turn away, but will keep the memories, love, and person alive, even while life inevitably moves on.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

In memory of Dex Gannon and Michael Young

Read “Compassion in Relationships.”

The Fear of Loss:
“I don’t want to hold myself back anymore.”

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"Rugged Beauty" Squaw Valley by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Until we are willing to accept potential disappointment and heartache, having close relationships can be perilous. A willingness to tolerate loss helps us to embrace the risks and joys of love. In addition to the obvious possibility that the relationship might end or a partner might die, a degree of loss exists even when a relationship endures.

No Change

Ironically, a LACK of change in the partners also results in loss. Predictability and stagnancy cause a loss of vitality and interest in the relationship.

Imagine ten or fifteen years of marriage and raising children, when one partner decides to take up mountain climbing or go back to school for a master’s degree. Fearful of change, the other partner may feel threatened. “What do you need to do that for? It’s expensive and a waste of time,” may be his or her reaction.

Fear of how the partner will handle change might cause the would-be climber or graduate student to avoid trying a new path. As a result of maintaining the status quo, there’s a loss of growth for the individual and richness for the relationship. Resentment and regret replace possibility and dreams.

Change

Change in a partner causes a loss of the comfort and security the partners have become used to. Yet, the upside is that the relationship can develop excitement and richness by means of the individuals’ growth.

If we approach love and friendship with the understanding that there will be loss, we can avoid the regrets and lost vitality that comes from living in the clutches of fear.

Climbing up the rugged mountain of relationship takes courage but it is well worth it. Rather than following the same well-worn path, we might create new paths and find new vistas.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Why do you need to go back to school?”