Tag Archives: listening

Six Words to Express Yourself while Keeping the Peace

Posted on by
Reply

“Imagination”—Einstein by Mimi Stuart ©

Two people with different opinions can have an effective discussion if they listen to each other and speak in a way that will make them likely to be listened to. Here is an effective way to transition to your own point of view:

“Yes, though I see it differently.”

“Yes”

“Yes” shows that you have heard what the other person said. Of course it’s important to actually listen to the other person. “Yes” can be expanded to express what you understand the other person’s viewpoint to be.

For example, “Yes, I see that you think I criticized you.”

“Yes, I understand that you are really angry.”

“Yes, I recognize that she yelled at you.”

Tone

Tone of voice is key. A tone of condescension will cause the other person to bristle. A tone of hostility will cause the other to become defensive. A tone of weakness or victimhood will trigger the bully in the other person. So your tone should express self confidence as well as respect for the other.

“Though I see it differently”

Stating that you see things differently is quite different from saying one of the following:

“You’re wrong.”

“That’s stupid.”

“No, you don’t understand.”

It’s hard for the other person to argue against you simply because you “see things differently.” By approaching a difficult conversation in this way, you can introduce other considerations while keeping the peace.

Your viewpoint

When you express your opinion, use terms such as “I believe,” “I think,” “My experience is,” “I have noticed,” “I want,” or “I need.”

For example, “I believe her anger comes from fear and not knowing how to communicate effectively. So I want to give her a chance.”

“To me, time alone is re-energizing; it’s not about being away from you. I simply need to recharge.”

“I really value compromise. I want to figure out a way to satisfy both of us as best as possible.”

Most discussions involve viewpoints rather than facts. So it’s best to avoid assuming a false dichotomy where only one person is right and the other is wrong. Others are more likely to really listen to you when you use words and body language that show respect and understanding for different points of view.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

How to predict a divorce or the breakup of a relationship

Posted on by
2

"Content of Character" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Content of Character” by Mimi Stuart ©

How do you tend to respond to your partner’s benign comments about the weather, the news, or your surroundings? Do you often make cutting or critical remarks or ignore his or her comments? You may think that this is an insignificant issue. However, John Gottman’s research shows that the quality of every-day interaction makes all the difference in the world in the success of any relationship.

Among couples who get divorced within six years of getting married, one partner or the other is either ignored or receives a negative response 67% of the time. On the other hand, among couples who are satisfied with their relationship, the response to their partners’ actions and comments were negative only 13% of the time. They responded positively 87% of the time!

This is highly significant and shows that a relationship thrives or dies in large part as a result of all those brief moments and minor communications throughout the day.

Bids and turns

Gottman calls verbal attempts to make a connection “bids,” and he categorizes the responses people make as either a “turn toward” the partner or a “turn away” from the partner. When you turn toward a person, the person feels valued, whereas when you turn away from a person, he or she may feel invisible or not valued.

Here are some examples of bids and responses:

Bid: “Dinner’s ready.”
Turn away: “Spaghetti again?”
Turn toward: “Thank you, sounds great.”

Bid: “Wow, it’s cold today.”
Turn away: “Well it is winter in Idaho. We’re not in the tropics.”
Turn toward: “Yep, it sure is cold.”

Bid: “How do you like my new shirt?”
Turn away: “Are you kidding me? What did you pay for that?”
Turn toward: “Love it. Where did you get it?” Or “Interesting design. You always look good.”

Bid: “I’m so tired from work.”
Turn away: No comment.
Turn toward: “I’m so sorry, anything I can do to help?”

Bid: “Sorry I’m late.”
Turn away: “You’re always late. It’s driving me crazy!”
Turn toward: “I’m sure there’s a good reason. I hate to bring this up, but I think we should figure out a way where I’m not waiting for you so much. It’s starting to get really frustrating for me.”

Contempt vs respect

Contempt is the number one factor leading to unhappy relationships and divorce. When your response “turns away” from a person through neglect, criticism or a negative tone of voice, you express contempt or lack of regard for that person.

“Turning toward” a person does not mean that you have to agree with all comments made or become obsequious. It simply means showing that you are listening and responding with respect. As long as you don’t criticize or ignore your partner, you can disagree all you want.

When people repeatedly respond negatively or ignore their partners’ comments, there is often an underlying issue, such as resentment, feeling unappreciated, or a lack of self-empowerment in their lives. These issues are best dealt with through honest reflection and candid communication, not with passive-aggressive contemptuous behavior.

Sometimes a person is simply busy or focused on a project and does not want to be interrupted. Even in such situations, take the time to use a kind tone of voice when saying something like, “Do you mind if we talk later because I’d really like to finish this project. Thank you.”

Often couples don’t know why they have “drifted apart” or “fallen out of love” over the years. They need to realize that relationships wither or flourish depending on the daily care shown in how they respond to their partners’ attempts to communicate and connect. If you want your relationship to flourish, make sure you respond to bids for connection with kindness.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen
@alisonpoulsen
https://www.facebook.com/dralisonpoulsen

Read “Changing Relationship Dynamics: ‘It’s too late to start telling my boyfriend to let me know when he’s coming home late because our communication patterns have already been established.’”

Read “Five Keys to a Great Relationship: ‘There’s nothing we can do to stay in love.’”

Equality in a relationship: “Why don’t you do what I tell you to do? I’m the man in this relationship.”

Posted on by
Reply
"The Kiss" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“The Kiss” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Before you wish your partner would simply obey your wishes, think about how a domineering/submissive dynamic would impact the long-term health of your relationship. A relationship based on unequal power and obedience will not grow and cannot sustain passion. Domination and compliance are quick ways to deal a blow to the respect required for a long-term passionate relationship.

Respect and love are at the heart of any meaningful or enjoyable relationship. In fact research shows that men and women who are able to listen to their partners in a respectful way are more likely to sustain a successful relationship.* A sense of power sharing is critical to a mutually respectful relationship that is capable of sustaining long-term harmony.

Equality does not mean giving in, giving up, or taking turns in your decision making. It means really listening with an open mind and generous heart.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

*Reference: Richard Wiseman, “59 Seconds: Think a little, Change a lot.”

Read “Creating a better relationship: ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about!’”

Read “Conversation and Active Listening: ‘It seems like I do all the talking.’”

Mind reading:
“You just don’t like spending time with me!”

Posted on by
Reply

“Julia and Larry” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

People often assume that they know what another person is thinking—and most often these assumptions are negative.

Not only are the assumptions usually wrong, mind-reading doesn’t make people want to openly share their deepest thoughts. It often doesn’t make them want to spend time with you either. Instead, it feels intrusive to be told what they’re thinking. They feel annoyed and defensive.

Projecting Insecurity

When you allow fear and insecurity to dominate your personality, you’re likely to scare people away—not a good way to promote dialogue. While part of you may feel worried and insecure, there’s probably another part of you that wants to have an honest dialogue and is hopeful and curious about what the truth might be. Although it is important to share your vulnerabilities with people you’re close to, it’s best not to let insecurity take over with accusatory mind-reading.

When you project your fears onto another person, those fears are more likely to become realized – a self-fulfilling prophecy! If you repeatedly proclaim your worry that another person doesn’t like spending time with you, you create the very situation you fear, because you become less enjoyable to spend time with. Our perceptions have a tendency to materialize.

Dialogue

Mind-reading assumes that you have all the information, which is rarely the case. To have a real dialogue, you need to focus on the other person and find out where they are coming from. Only when the goal is to gain understanding and not to assign blame can you find out what’s really going on.

To get truthful, relevant information, you have to engage others so that they won’t get defensive. Otherwise they’ll attack back, withdraw, or twist the truth to avoid your negative judgments. You have to ask questions in a way to get them to talk openly. This requires being able to actively listen without being reactive.

Connection

If you lose your connection, the other person is likely to go into a protective mode, which puts a stop to openness. You need to keep a connection to convey your desire to be understanding. To avoid implying blame or self-pity, it helps to use a tone of voice that implies honest curiosity.

Open-ended Questions

The best way to get information is to ask open-ended questions that get the other person to describe his or her side of the story. Avoid leading questions, such as, “You’d rather work than spend time with me, right?”

Avoid “yes or no” prosecuting-attorney-type questions, such as, “Just answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’—did you even think about calling me?” Even police investigators have moved from methods of cross-examination to open-ended questioning.

Open-ended questions include where, who, how, what happened. Beware of “But why did you do that?” because it sounds accusatory. When people feel blamed, they’re likely to skew the information to boost their self-esteem and avoid incrimination. It’s better to ask how something happened, followed by, “what happened then?”

We are more likely to discover the motivation of the other person when we use compassionate curiosity rather than aggressive interrogation. Also, we are likely to find that others’ actions usually don’t stem from intent to harm us.

From a position of compassionate understanding, we can then continue the dialogue and express our own desires or intent to change the situation.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Compassionate Confrontation: ‘He said he’d spend more time with me, but has not followed through.’”

Read “Negative Projection: ‘I never had children, because my husband didn’t want to, and now it’s too late.’”

Read “Five Keys to a Great Relationship: ‘There’s nothing we can do to stay in love.’”

Conversation and Active Listening:
“It seems like I do all the talking.”

Posted on by
9

"Freeform Jazz" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

We think effective communication has to do with talking, although it has much more to do with listening. Yet, it is surprising how rare and difficult it is to actively listen.

We think we are listening when we are really just waiting for the other person to take a breath so we can interject our response, analogy, defense, or anticipate what’s going to be said by filling in the blanks. Planning our own responses and anticipating when to jump in is not active listening.

People assume that the person talking has all the power. But it is really the person who listens who gains power through understanding what is actually being said.

The power and enjoyment that come from good conversation and a meeting of the minds involve listening attentively, similar to how jazz musicians have to really listen to each other to play great music together.

Active Listening Do’s

1. Be mindful, that is, be present, aware, and engaged;
2. Manage your emotions by exercising patience rather than being reactive and anticipating what will be said;
3. Have an open attitude as opposed to having a set opinion and set expectations; and
4. Consider the context of the speaker’s words as influenced by his or her own background and experience, so you don’t quibble over the idiosyncratic use of words.

Active Listening Don’ts

1. Do not interrupt and debate the speaker.
2. Do not tell the speaker what he or she should be thinking or feeling. That is simply a way of imposing your judgment on others.
3. Do not use his or her story as a take-off point for your own story.
4. Do not give advice unless and only when you are asked for it.

Enhancing Relationships

You can see that active listening takes effort and your full attention. The payoff is worth it, however. The benefit is that you can simultaneously enhance relationships AND increase understanding or solve problems.

Active listening is a pre-condition for empathy and equality — keys to enhancing a relationship. It requires focusing on the other person instead of yourself. When someone sees that you are really paying attention, he or she tends to feel more alive and become more animated in the conversation.

Encouraging Openness

People feel more comfortable and open with a relaxed and attentive listener, rather than someone who is impatient, agitated, or highly controlled. Making positive encouraging eye contact without being distracted encourages the speaker to open up.

If appropriate you can repeat what you heard the speaker say and ask them whether you have understood them correctly. “It sounds like you’re discouraged about such and such. Is that right?”

Giving reflective feedback rather than advice can be very helpful because both parties become clearer about a situation, which is key in having a good conversation or a meeting of the minds.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Compassion in Relationships.”

Read “Giving Advice: ‘She never listens to me.’”

Reference: “Effective Communication Skills” by Professor Dalton Kehoe from The Great Courses.