Tag Archives: introvert

Interrupted and Ignored by the Extroverts in your Life

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"Effervescent" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Effervescent” by Mimi Stuart ©

“I am often the one who does most of the listening. I am introverted, and am attracted to extrovert energy. The beautiful, warm, interesting stories at first are a delight, but quickly start to overwhelm me as the relationship develops. Often, when I feel ready to talk, I am not listened to with the same attention, or even worse, interrupted and ignored.”

One-sided extroverts, one-sided relationship

Extremely extroverted people can be fun and interesting to have as friends, as they entertain and radiate energy. Extroverts generally like talking and being the center of attention. Since the extrovert’s vibrancy is enjoyable, his or her dominance shields you from having to share your own ideas and thoughts. So often the dynamic of being ignored and interrupted by extreme extroverts may go unnoticed at first. In the early stage of the relationship, you may feel comfortable that there’s no pressure to reveal yourself.

Yet after a while it becomes frustrating and overwhelming to be in a one-sided relationship where most of the attention is focused on the extroverted individual. Extreme extroverts tend to be self-involved and often lack depth because they are generally not self-reflective. Thus, they tend to be disappointing as best friends, confidantes, or long-term romantic partners.

Developing balance

More balanced people, on the other hand, may not be as exciting at first, but they are often more capable of reciprocal interaction, showing interest in you, and enjoying two-way conversations, all of which are ultimately more stimulating and fulfilling in a long-term relationship.

When you are attracted to a person who is the opposite to your personality, it usually indicates a need for you to develop some of that trait. In your case, becoming a bit more extroverted might involve becoming more comfortable putting yourself out there and developing outgoing energy when you choose to. You can start with small steps—for example, by giving your opinion or telling a story rather than asking questions and prompting further monologues by the extrovert.

As you push yourself to become a little more balanced, and avoid being drawn in too closely into the orbit of super magnetic (i.e., self-absorbed) extroverts, you will develop more well-balanced relationships. If you get involved with people who are more balanced from the beginning, you are less likely to become resentful.

Dealing with extreme extroverts

When dealing with an extrovert who interrupts and ignores you, be direct and up-front. “Hey, I need to talk to you. Is this a good time?” or “You seem distracted. I was hoping to provide some input. When would be a better time?” or “I have something I’d like to talk to you about. Is now convenient?” It’s important that your tone of voice does not convey weakness, resentment, or anger. Be matter of fact. But don’t continue the conversation if you’re being ignored. While you cannot control another person, you can avoid giving up your power by no longer participating in a one-sided relationship dynamic.

In essence, my advice to an introvert who suffers frustration with extreme extroverts is threefold:

1. Develop relationships with people who are more balanced,

2. Do not be a passive co-conspirator. Challenge yourself to give your input, opinions, tell stories, and shine your own light rather than simply ask questions and listen, and

3. When dealing with an extrovert, speak up for yourself in a matter a fact way, without resentment or anger.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

The Introvert and the Extrovert:
“You always stay home!”

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“Pop” Mayan Collection by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

The Introvert and the Extrovert

The terms introversion and extroversion were first coined by psychologist Carl Jung. Jung defines introversion is an inward-turning of libido away from others. The introvert relies principally on subjectivity — captivated by how and what he or she feels, senses or thinks.

In contrast, an extrovert’s inner life is subordinated to the external environment. The extrovert thrives on interacting with the outer world — different people and varied activities.

Excessive Introversion

Despite being in tune with nuanced inner perceptions, extreme introverts neglect to notice how those around them may feel and think. Even when introverts are attuned to the environment, their focus is primarily on their own internalized reactions to it.

When too little attention is paid to others, it may lead to an inability to empathize with others. Without putting oneself in other people’s shoes, it is difficult to intuit what is appropriate in a given situation. Ironically, despite the focus on internalized reactions, extreme introverts do not have a clear sense of self and awareness of their effect on others.

Extreme introversion can also lead to co-dependence in intimate relations because the introvert often becomes excessively dependent on the other person to act as an intermediary to the outside world.

Excessive Extroversion

Extroverts are generally perceived as normal in our American culture because they are comparatively adept at fitting into society, finding a job and making friends unless they become too pushy, nosy, talkative, or superficial.

Extreme extroverts exaggerate their rapport with others, adjust quickly to different people with the intention of making themselves interesting to those around them. They often lose their individuality to external enticements and demands. Sometimes this effusiveness will be compensated for by the onset of physical ailments, depression, or a feeling of emptiness within.

The tendency to be outward directed is often a symptom of a lack of introspection and awareness of the extrovert’s own subjective condition — e.g., fatigue, hunger, sadness, etc. Extroverts may unwittingly sacrifice their own physical, emotional, and psychological well-being to outward demands or distractions, as seen in workaholism, consumerism and extreme sports.

Jung points out that the extrovert’s tendency to take in more and more of the external world — excessive parties, work, food, or alcohol — can increase a feeling of inner poverty. Suppressing subjective awareness may also result in apathy or being scattered by too many interests. In extreme cases, all conscious action can become paralyzed, as for instance, by a nervous breakdown or depression.

Balance for the Introvert

Intraverts need to balance their inwardness with objectivity by increasing their awareness of and concern for the wants and desires of other people. They need to gradually engage in the world around them, rather than focus solely on their own inner responses. They may want to develop more acquaintances and friends, and engage in more communal activities.

They don’t need to become extroverts. But some ability to be engaged meaningfully in the world around them will actually deepen their inner world.

Balance for the Extrovert

Extroverts need to counterbalance extreme responsiveness to other people and external activities with inner depth. By spending some time alone and focusing inwardly, they can balance their outgoing nature with an awareness of their own inner needs, perceptions, and ideas.

Such inward reflection and solitude will add gravitas, depth and meaning to their relationships with others and their experience in the world.

Gradual Integration

While neither the introvert nor the extrovert should flip to the opposite, a gradual integration of some opposite qualities will bring wholeness to both the individual and his or her relationships. It is more effective to work on developing balance within ourselves than to force change in our partners.

Encouragement not Criticism

However, we can stop enabling the crippling effects of extreme introversion and extroversion in our partners. For instance, we can lovingly avoid acting as an intermediary for the introvert to the outside world by no longer always being the one to deal with people and make phone calls. We can show love for the extrovert without feeding the external frenzy, that is, without encouraging extreme behaviors involved in workaholism, over-consumption, and pursuing endless distractions.

We can also point out how our partner might benefit from bringing more balance to their lives. This, however, must be done with compassion, subtlety and discretion.

For instance, the introvert might compassionately say to the extrovert:

“How are you feeling? I’m worried that you are over-working and will get sick. It would make me happy if you would take care of yourself the way you take care of others.”

The extrovert might say to the introvert:

“I’m worried that you are spending too much time alone. Engaging in some activities with other people might bring you some balance. Why don’t you come with me to town tonight.”

Once we have spoken, it’s important not to control or manipulate the other person. It is self-empowering to recognize what part we play in the patterns of our relationships. Yet, this also lays on us the responsibility to stop demanding of our partners what we have to do for ourselves – gain more balance within ourselves.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Opposites attract: ‘Can’t you ever stop and just sit down with me!’”

Read “I’ve fallen out of love with her.”

Read “Enantiadromia: ‘It drives my partner crazy that I’m ‘too’ polite. I think he is too blunt.’”

Opposites attract:
“Can’t you ever stop and just sit down with me!”

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“Muwan” Mayan Collection by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Long-term intimate relationships bring out a person’s strengths and weaknesses and therefore can offer tremendous opportunities for growth.

Development of personality traits

People tend to develop certain personality traits and habits as a way to thrive in their childhood environment. People become introverts or extroverts, serious or fun-loving, accommodating or contrarian in response to a confluence of factors. The culture we are raised in, family structure and dynamics, critical events, and genetic disposition all contribute significantly to the way we behave. For example, we may navigate through life by blending in and not making waves, by withdrawing into books and our own imagination, or by being active and engaging the people around us.

Undeveloped traits

Our primary personality traits feel as though they are who we are. “I am quiet.” “I am outgoing.” But they are only part of who we are—the part of us that is the most highly developed, the most practiced, and the most ingrained in our neuro-network.

As a result of developing certain qualities, we generally tend to neglect opposing qualities. For example, an introvert feels comfortable alone but awkward at social events. An extrovert feels comfortable with people, but feels bored and empty when there’s no outside stimulation.

Usually, we feel satisfied with our personality traits until life somehow reminds us of how limited we are. Trauma, tragedy, life struggles, and falling in or out of love are the most common events that challenge us to become more whole and balanced human beings. These are often the turning points in our lives.

Polarization

It so happens that we often fall in love with someone who holds some of the qualities we have neglected or pushed aside. After the initial stage of falling in love, people often polarize, that is, they step back into the personality traits they feel comfortable with and accentuate those qualities in response to their partners’ opposing qualities.

For example, the introvert complains, “Can’t you ever stop having a good time and just sit down with me?” While the extrovert retorts “Why don’t you ever talk to new people?”
When your primary personality traits are attacked, you become entrenched in the defensive. Each drives the other into more extreme positions, causing a downward spiral in the relationship. Questioning turns into attacking. “You never go out!” says the extrovert. “You can’t sit still!” says the introvert.

Finding Balance

Given sufficient necessity or desire to evolve, people have an opportunity to mitigate their extreme natures, to avert the frustration and disappointment that so often follows the fire of a romantic or intriguing beginning triggered by the attraction of those opposites. Here are three keys to developing balance in oneself and in the relationship.

1. Develop the other side.

We have to consciously work on ourselves to become more balanced if that is desired. Without swinging to the opposite extreme, we should consciously develop the other side. Someone who is sweet and accommodating should start making the difficult phone calls rather than asking his or her partner to do so, e.g., dealing with the lawyers and accountants, or making the call to someone who has charged too much. Someone who is tough and direct can try to show some compassion.

2. Honor the other person’s differences.

We must appreciate, and not belittle, our partner’s opposing personality trait. Contempt simply puts the other person on the defensive. People are more likely to risk change when they feel support and love.

3. Lovingly encourage the other person’s attempts to develop new trait.

We can encourage, but not force or manipulate, our partner to develop the new trait. Encouragement works best when it is light-hearted and lacks emotional heat or pressure. It is also important not to criticize or make fun of our partner when he or she is attempting new skills.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “The Introvert and the Extrovert: ‘You always stay home!’”

Read “Enantiadromia: ‘It drives my partner crazy that I’m ‘too’ polite. I think he is too blunt.’”

Read “He tells me to stop being so emotional. Does he want me to be cold and unfeeling like him?”