Tag Archives: introversion

Interrupted and Ignored by the Extroverts in your Life

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"Effervescent" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Effervescent” by Mimi Stuart ©

“I am often the one who does most of the listening. I am introverted, and am attracted to extrovert energy. The beautiful, warm, interesting stories at first are a delight, but quickly start to overwhelm me as the relationship develops. Often, when I feel ready to talk, I am not listened to with the same attention, or even worse, interrupted and ignored.”

One-sided extroverts, one-sided relationship

Extremely extroverted people can be fun and interesting to have as friends, as they entertain and radiate energy. Extroverts generally like talking and being the center of attention. Since the extrovert’s vibrancy is enjoyable, his or her dominance shields you from having to share your own ideas and thoughts. So often the dynamic of being ignored and interrupted by extreme extroverts may go unnoticed at first. In the early stage of the relationship, you may feel comfortable that there’s no pressure to reveal yourself.

Yet after a while it becomes frustrating and overwhelming to be in a one-sided relationship where most of the attention is focused on the extroverted individual. Extreme extroverts tend to be self-involved and often lack depth because they are generally not self-reflective. Thus, they tend to be disappointing as best friends, confidantes, or long-term romantic partners.

Developing balance

More balanced people, on the other hand, may not be as exciting at first, but they are often more capable of reciprocal interaction, showing interest in you, and enjoying two-way conversations, all of which are ultimately more stimulating and fulfilling in a long-term relationship.

When you are attracted to a person who is the opposite to your personality, it usually indicates a need for you to develop some of that trait. In your case, becoming a bit more extroverted might involve becoming more comfortable putting yourself out there and developing outgoing energy when you choose to. You can start with small steps—for example, by giving your opinion or telling a story rather than asking questions and prompting further monologues by the extrovert.

As you push yourself to become a little more balanced, and avoid being drawn in too closely into the orbit of super magnetic (i.e., self-absorbed) extroverts, you will develop more well-balanced relationships. If you get involved with people who are more balanced from the beginning, you are less likely to become resentful.

Dealing with extreme extroverts

When dealing with an extrovert who interrupts and ignores you, be direct and up-front. “Hey, I need to talk to you. Is this a good time?” or “You seem distracted. I was hoping to provide some input. When would be a better time?” or “I have something I’d like to talk to you about. Is now convenient?” It’s important that your tone of voice does not convey weakness, resentment, or anger. Be matter of fact. But don’t continue the conversation if you’re being ignored. While you cannot control another person, you can avoid giving up your power by no longer participating in a one-sided relationship dynamic.

In essence, my advice to an introvert who suffers frustration with extreme extroverts is threefold:

1. Develop relationships with people who are more balanced,

2. Do not be a passive co-conspirator. Challenge yourself to give your input, opinions, tell stories, and shine your own light rather than simply ask questions and listen, and

3. When dealing with an extrovert, speak up for yourself in a matter a fact way, without resentment or anger.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

“I feel completely drained after socializing and entertaining friends.”

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“Julia and Larry” by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Julia and Larry” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Introversion vs. Extroversion

Many people are naturally introverted—they gain energy while spending time alone. Others are naturally extroverted—they become energized by spending time with others. However, both introverts and extroverts can often benefit from finding a healthy balance between spending time with others and alone.

Introversion

Introverts who spend too much time socializing and spending time with others may become depleted and drained. In the words of Henri J.M. Nouwen they come home “with a feeling that something precious has been taken away from them or that holy ground has been trodden upon.” They need to find ways to nourish their desire for solitude.

On the other hand, introverts who spend too much time alone tend to become increasingly uncomfortable and awkward around other people. Thus, to avoid becoming a recluse, it’s important to balance their preference for being alone with some ongoing association and interaction with others.

Extroversion

In contrast, extroverts who spend an excessive amount of time socializing often lose a sense of groundedness and depth. When they are forced to spend time alone they tend to feel listless and forlorn. An evening alone can become downright painful and scary because they have lost touch with their own self. It’s like being stuck with an unapproachable stranger.

Nourishing our natural preferences is important, but we should beware of becoming extravagantly imbalanced. It’s ideal if we can avoid both extremes of onesided socializing and avoiding others at all cost.

Over-entertaining others

Notwithstanding personality differences, people who feel drained from entertaining others are perhaps putting too much effort into their interactions. The notion of having to “entertain others” may be part of the problem.

Some people think that they have to make sure everyone in a given situation is enraptured, fascinated, or amused. They may take over the spot light in an effort to enthrall and enchant others. Ironically, such forced attempts to non-stop “entertain” others can actually cause others to feel exhausted and ignored! When entertainment is a one-way profusion of speech or energy, it often neglects spontaneous interaction, and may ignore the audience’s reactions, thoughts, and even their very presence.

Being aware and open

A truly enriching relationship between people does not involve one person entertaining the other. Rather, it is based on meaningful connection, which involves being present, paying attention, and responding with authenticity. This is not to say that entertaining story-telling should be avoided. However, relating with others including story telling is more rewarding and less exhausting if you focus on being present with others rather than on entertaining them. In new age terms, it helps to allow the back and forth flow of energy, thoughts, and words.

If you notice people aren’t responsive to your “entertaining” monologue, try asking them questions. Paying attention to the other person allows you to interact with spontaneous, relevant and responsive ideas and humor that makes interaction truly interesting and alive. Cultivating genuine, heart-felt and mindful connection with others can benefit us all, no matter how extroverted or introverted our tendency.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “The Introvert and the Extrovert: ‘You always stay home!’”

Read “I feel drained after hanging out with someone so negative.”

The Introvert and the Extrovert:
“You always stay home!”

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“Pop” Mayan Collection by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

The Introvert and the Extrovert

The terms introversion and extroversion were first coined by psychologist Carl Jung. Jung defines introversion is an inward-turning of libido away from others. The introvert relies principally on subjectivity — captivated by how and what he or she feels, senses or thinks.

In contrast, an extrovert’s inner life is subordinated to the external environment. The extrovert thrives on interacting with the outer world — different people and varied activities.

Excessive Introversion

Despite being in tune with nuanced inner perceptions, extreme introverts neglect to notice how those around them may feel and think. Even when introverts are attuned to the environment, their focus is primarily on their own internalized reactions to it.

When too little attention is paid to others, it may lead to an inability to empathize with others. Without putting oneself in other people’s shoes, it is difficult to intuit what is appropriate in a given situation. Ironically, despite the focus on internalized reactions, extreme introverts do not have a clear sense of self and awareness of their effect on others.

Extreme introversion can also lead to co-dependence in intimate relations because the introvert often becomes excessively dependent on the other person to act as an intermediary to the outside world.

Excessive Extroversion

Extroverts are generally perceived as normal in our American culture because they are comparatively adept at fitting into society, finding a job and making friends unless they become too pushy, nosy, talkative, or superficial.

Extreme extroverts exaggerate their rapport with others, adjust quickly to different people with the intention of making themselves interesting to those around them. They often lose their individuality to external enticements and demands. Sometimes this effusiveness will be compensated for by the onset of physical ailments, depression, or a feeling of emptiness within.

The tendency to be outward directed is often a symptom of a lack of introspection and awareness of the extrovert’s own subjective condition — e.g., fatigue, hunger, sadness, etc. Extroverts may unwittingly sacrifice their own physical, emotional, and psychological well-being to outward demands or distractions, as seen in workaholism, consumerism and extreme sports.

Jung points out that the extrovert’s tendency to take in more and more of the external world — excessive parties, work, food, or alcohol — can increase a feeling of inner poverty. Suppressing subjective awareness may also result in apathy or being scattered by too many interests. In extreme cases, all conscious action can become paralyzed, as for instance, by a nervous breakdown or depression.

Balance for the Introvert

Intraverts need to balance their inwardness with objectivity by increasing their awareness of and concern for the wants and desires of other people. They need to gradually engage in the world around them, rather than focus solely on their own inner responses. They may want to develop more acquaintances and friends, and engage in more communal activities.

They don’t need to become extroverts. But some ability to be engaged meaningfully in the world around them will actually deepen their inner world.

Balance for the Extrovert

Extroverts need to counterbalance extreme responsiveness to other people and external activities with inner depth. By spending some time alone and focusing inwardly, they can balance their outgoing nature with an awareness of their own inner needs, perceptions, and ideas.

Such inward reflection and solitude will add gravitas, depth and meaning to their relationships with others and their experience in the world.

Gradual Integration

While neither the introvert nor the extrovert should flip to the opposite, a gradual integration of some opposite qualities will bring wholeness to both the individual and his or her relationships. It is more effective to work on developing balance within ourselves than to force change in our partners.

Encouragement not Criticism

However, we can stop enabling the crippling effects of extreme introversion and extroversion in our partners. For instance, we can lovingly avoid acting as an intermediary for the introvert to the outside world by no longer always being the one to deal with people and make phone calls. We can show love for the extrovert without feeding the external frenzy, that is, without encouraging extreme behaviors involved in workaholism, over-consumption, and pursuing endless distractions.

We can also point out how our partner might benefit from bringing more balance to their lives. This, however, must be done with compassion, subtlety and discretion.

For instance, the introvert might compassionately say to the extrovert:

“How are you feeling? I’m worried that you are over-working and will get sick. It would make me happy if you would take care of yourself the way you take care of others.”

The extrovert might say to the introvert:

“I’m worried that you are spending too much time alone. Engaging in some activities with other people might bring you some balance. Why don’t you come with me to town tonight.”

Once we have spoken, it’s important not to control or manipulate the other person. It is self-empowering to recognize what part we play in the patterns of our relationships. Yet, this also lays on us the responsibility to stop demanding of our partners what we have to do for ourselves – gain more balance within ourselves.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Opposites attract: ‘Can’t you ever stop and just sit down with me!’”

Read “I’ve fallen out of love with her.”

Read “Enantiadromia: ‘It drives my partner crazy that I’m ‘too’ polite. I think he is too blunt.’”