Tag Archives: Intimacy

Desire: “I’ve got needs, but she pretends she’s asleep.”

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"Desire" Marilyn Monroe, by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

When you translate your desire into a need for biological gratification, it’s a turn-off. Your partner will resent feeling used to feed your self-esteem and needs. Desire out of a need to be satiated is consumptive and can never be fully satisfying to either party.

However, sexual intimacy deepens the vitality of long-term relationships and should definitely be pursued. So talk to your partner to discover how you can both deepen the intimacy between the two of you. Ask your partner what she’s feeling and express how important it is for you to have passion and intimacy on all levels in your relationship.

In addition to talking to her, change your view of sexual intimacy from one of need to one of desire. Make her feel desired, loved and cherished rather than needed.

Martin Prechtel, a Guatemalan Shaman, distinguishes between seduction—the act of getting what you want—and courting—the act of giving blessing to what you love.

This art of courting comes from desire out of abundance, which leads to more desire and intimacy for both partners. Desire out of fullness arises out of a sense of self worth and an appreciation for the other person.

Show her your love and appreciation. Share more of yourself. Remember those attributes that attracted you and TELL her. Tell her your fantasies and ask her to tell you hers. You might be pleasantly surprised.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

Read “You never touch me! You’re not attracted to me anymore, are you?”

Read “Sustaining Desire: ‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s just watch TV.’”

Recommended: Schnarch, D. (2003). “Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in your Marriage,” and Schnarch, D. (2009) “Passionate Marriage.”
Listen to “Schnarch, D. “Problems of Sexual Desire: Who Really Wants to Want?” (Audio)”.

Guest Author Dr. Jennifer Freed: “My instincts told me not to do it, but his eyes told me ‘to go for it.’ Sitting in the hospital now after jumping on his motorcycle, I’m asking myself why I date guys so excited by danger?”

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"Need for Speed" Tom Cruise, by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you are attracted to so-called adrenaline junkies—people who are excited by danger—you probably need some excitement in order to truly feel alive. Guys or gals who need to stay HIGH to feel anything are suffering from mind-baffling numbness and will seek more dangerous activities to keep upping the ante.

If he always needs to get off with some adrenaline surge, he is most likely going to be a serial dater, or a regular visitor to the ER. If what you’re looking for is intimacy, you won’t find it in adrenaline junkies or daters. They’re desperately looking for something or someone to take them out of their mortal bodies, and out of this world—and that’s just not a place for lovers to find lasting satisfaction.

When all your instincts say no, but his eyes tell you “GO FOR IT,” make sure that you have time to consider the short term benefits and the possible long term consequences. Doing IT just because HE WANTS ME TO is not a good plan. Remember, any guy who truly LIKES YOU will like you whether or not you jump out of an airplane. If he wants you to be thrilling so he can be turned on, you probably can’t keep that up anyway. A real man wants his woman to be happy and safe, not risky and dumb. A buzzkill may actually be a badge of real courage once you realize that saying YES just to be popular is truly the cowardly thing to do.

Dr. Jennifer Freed is the author of “Lessons from Stanley the Cat”, a psychotherapist, a radio show host “Freed Up,” on Voice America, & a professor.

“Don’t you love me?”

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"The Kiss" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

No, please don’t ask that! If you have to ask, then at least say, “I know you’re crazy about me,” or “Tell me all the reasons you love me,” but say it with confidence and a smile in your eyes.

The question “Don’t you love me?” sounds needy and weak. You’ll probably get a “Yes, of course I do,” but it won’t be very satisfying, because the yearning and deprivation behind the question act as elements of coercion. There’s a sense of “You better answer ‘yes’, because if you don’t soothe my doubts, I’ll fall apart and then you’ll really have to take care of me.”

It’s human nature to be put off by neediness. Ironically, the very people who want so much to be desired and loved cause others to lose desire for them by their yearning. Instead of pressuring someone to validate you, it’s healthier to accept and validate yourself. It takes will-power, self-awareness, and a lot of practice standing on your own. While it may be tough to resist asking for validation and love, you’ll become stronger as well as more desirable to others.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

“He’s such a caveman! Same old Disappointment on Valentine’s Day.”

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"Rattlesnake Shake " Rick Vito by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Disappointment on Valentine’s Day, whether you’re with a “caveman” or not in a relationship, reminds us to reflect on our expectations. The media’s extravagant marketing and movie moments create unrealistic expectations on both men and women. There’s no way to live up to those cinematic dramatics, at least not without set decorators and a film crew.

No single person has it all. Individuals who plan fabulous banners declaring their unrequited love emblazoned on the side of the Goodyear blimp may be lacking in other desirable qualities. Those exciting, full-of-surprise types may end up sending exotic Brazilian flowers dripping with diamonds to someone else next year—Surprise! So appreciate your caveman.

Life is too short to waste time wishing that your partner knew what your private fantasy was. Yet, if your idea of Valentine’s Day or any day is important to you, instead of playing a guessing game, suggest what you want. Say, “I’d love to be surprised one night by…” Or you can make your particular fantasy happen yourself. If you can’t fly off to Paris, then set the table with a checked cloth and enjoy some wine at home. If you don’t have a partner, you can still embrace romance and have fun with a relative or friends by creating and enjoying an evening of intimate ambiance together.

by Alison Poulsen

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”