Tag Archives: i don’t want to hurt others

Disappointing others:
“I am not good at confrontation because I don’t want to hurt people.”

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"Fearless" — Lee Janzen by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

A confrontation is a “a hostile or argumentative meeting or situation between opposing parties.” You can learn to stand up for yourself without being hostile or “confrontational.” You simply need to state your opinion in a respectful, matter of fact, and firm way.

It’s admirable to want to treat people with respect and fairness. However, that does not mean giving them everything they want.

Imagine if you raised a child where your goal was to avoid confrontation. The child would learn very quickly that being confrontational is the most effective way to get what he or she wants. You would be training that child to become spoiled, demanding, and selfish.

Giving people everything they want at your expense caters to their selfishness and will cause you to feel resentful.

Disappointment may not feel good, but it is a necessary part of life. You can’t avoid disappointing others because you can’t control their expectations. On the other hand, you underestimate people’s resiliency if you think they can’t handle a little disappointment.

The only way to avoid disappointment is to never have hopes, dreams and expectations. These are what motivate our journey through life. Fortunately, people don’t have to have all of their dreams and expectations satisfied in order to live a full and happy life. In fact, disappointment can lead people to make needed adjustments in their lives.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Walking on Eggshells.”

Too much Guilt:
“He makes me feel guilty if I don’t do what he wants.”

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"Singh Shot" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If we are going to be kind, let it be out of simple generosity, not because we fear guilt or retribution.

~J.M. Coetzee, Disgrace

Often people who are exceptionally considerate feel guilty for disappointing others even if their own actions are appropriate. In these cases, feelings of guilt are excessive. Much of their guilt is simply a learned response.

Excessive or inappropriate guilty feelings hurt people by causing them to experience unnecessary stress, to ignore their own needs, and to surrender their personal power. Also people who are overly concerned with never disappointing others become prey to manipulative people.

Guilty feelings are like having a cold. If you didn’t know what the symptoms meant, you’d probably think you were dying. Once you know that you simply have a cold, then the symptoms become more annoying than frightening.

It’s similar when you experience guilt — it feels that you must be doing something horribly wrong in disappointing another person. However, when you realize that you were simply raised to consider other people’s feelings as more important than your own, you can then learn to ignore the inappropriate guilty feelings.

How do you respond to someone’s unfair expectations of you?

Say, for example, someone implies that you should do something to make him happy regardless of what you want. You then can respond in a matter-of-fact way, “Hey you might like that, but I wouldn’t be happy. So, that wouldn’t work, now would it?” Or “I’ve got too much going on, but good luck.” You can even smile and simply drop the dread of hurting him. He’ll survive. The anxiety will pass and he will be less likely to ask in the future.

Don’t expect others to know what you want. Some people are more self-centered; some people are more considerate. In either case, you should not count on someone else to take care of your needs and desires. You have to take care of them yourself by direct, immediate, and matter-of-fact communication. Do not equivocate. Otherwise people end up playing guessing games with a few guilt trips thrown in.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’m always walking on eggshells. I don’t want to upset my partner.”