Tag Archives: helpful

Five problems with being too helpful

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“Light” by Mimi Stuart© Live the Life you Desire

People who help others too much often don’t stop until they become exhausted or ill. This can become burdensome, and ironically, it’s not very helpful to the people in their lives over the long-term.

Being helpful to others is a wonderful trait if it’s practiced in moderation and when appropriate. There are five problems to watch out for when your primary focus is on meeting other people’s needs.

Five Problems

1. You neglect your own needs and feelings, and end up exhausted or ill.

2. You become resentful—even though you enjoy helping—because you bend over backwards for other people too much.

3. By putting others first, you may unwittingly deprive them of their own autonomy, which can lead to your becoming a burden to them—the last thing that you intended. Helping others too much can create an unintended obligation to reciprocate, which can lead to codependence, and can stifle the fun and joy in a relationship.

4. Although others may appreciate or even take advantage of your help, they will often prefer spending time with someone who takes care of their own needs first and doesn’t give unsolicited advice and help.

5. Some super-helpful personalities might be surprised to learn that their acts of rewarding or pampering loved ones may be taken as an insult to their capabilities or an intrusion into their personal space. The receiver of help may develop resentment because there’s an unintended implication that he or she is incompetent.

Best Approach

Excessively self-sacrificing people can improve their lives and the lives of those around them by learning to acknowledge and respect their own needs first. When you feel compelled to offer someone a glass of water, consider whether you may actually be the one who is thirsty. Then take a moment to sense whether others are the types who would rather get water for themselves. If so, notice whether you can simply “be” without being of service to someone else.

Truly being of service is a beautiful way to bring light to people’s lives, particularly when it is done while honoring yourself and observing whether others would appreciate the help.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Helpful vs. Intrusive.”

“How could he leave me? I did everything for him.” Being needed versus being wanted.

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"Mo' Air" Jonny Moseley by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

There are usually good intentions of love and helpfulness behind being exceptionally useful. Yet, over-functioning by “doing everything” often stems from an unconscious impulse to increase another person’s dependence on and loyalty to the relationship.

All relationships involve some degree of dependence. For most people it’s quite nice when another person helps out. Yet, as one partner does an extravagant share of the work, the other partner may start feeling engulfed and overwhelmed by the assistance. He or she may feel encumbered with a growing sense of obligation, causing desire to be with the partner to fade.

When people become highly dependent on their partners, a sense of indebtedness bordering on guilt causes passion and intimacy to suffer. While it’s important that partners are considerate and helpful, it’s equally important to avoid letting dependency and indebtedness smother desire.

Those who tend to over-function would improve their relationships by focusing more on their own enjoyment and desires and giving their partner greater breathing room and independence. This means resisting doing everything, even at the risk that some things won’t be executed as well as they like.

As Kahlil Gibran wrote in “The Prophet,”

Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Four problems with helping too much.”

Helpful vs. Intrusive:
“Stay away from my child, I don’t want you to help her and then say bad things about me!”

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"Off-Road Rumble" Juliana Furtado by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Helpful people are usually well-intentioned, sympathetic, and aware of the needs of others. They take pride in and draw strength from their ability to comfort and nurture others and are able to do so with ease.

Being helpful can be a wonderful quality. However, when the need to contribute becomes over-reaching, it becomes unhealthy and intrusive. A strong desire to help often arises from a need to feel needed in order to feel worthwhile. Wanting to be needed sometimes leads a person to become overly-involved, meddling, and manipulative in other people’s lives.

This relationship became unhealthy when an attempt was made to create an alliance with your daughter by weakening her relationship with you. This undermines your relationship with your daughter and causes more suffering rather than helping your family.

It’s important to insist on boundaries for you and your daughter. The most effective and compassionate way to do so would be to acknowledge the adult’s desire to be helpful, and then to clearly state what you want.

You might say, “I appreciate your desire to help my daughter. But when you say negative things about me, that hurts us both. We need to work things out in our own way. So for the time being, it would be most helpful if you gave her some space. Please don’t discuss me or our lives with her.”

You might also tell your child that when people try to establish a connection by demeaning someone else, everyone suffers. Tell her that if this occurs again, she can say, “It makes me uncomfortable when you say negative things about my mom. You better talk to her directly.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Stop complaining about me to my child.”