Tag Archives: happy

“Stress is killing me.”
The surprising facts about stress.

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"Nessun Dorma" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Nessun Dorma” by Mimi Stuart ©

Research shows that having stress is healthier than having little or no stress at all, as long as you have some control over your life. People who have some stress and some control over their lives tend to live the longest, feel happiest, and have the strongest immune system. Thus, active participation in directing your life with its built-in difficulties turns out to be better for you than passive acceptance of an easy life or feeling helpless in face of a difficult life.

Stress triggers release of cortisol in your body, and having too little cortisol can be just as unhealthy as having too much. Moreover, research shows that simply embracing stress rather than trying to get rid of stress causes people to handle difficulties better, and makes stress less likely to lead to depression, divorce and health problems.

This is good news, because an interesting and enjoyable life involves taking risks and facing the unknown, both of which are inherently stressful. The more practice we get in dealing with uncertainty and hardships, the more confident we can be in our approach to life. The more actively we endeavor to face and deal with challenges, the better we become at taking appropriate action, and the healthier the accompanying stress is to our system.

Imagine that you are deciding whether to take on a stressful job or a stress-free job. Consider first that there is a point where having too much going on in your life can cause you to lose control over your life. However, if you have too little going on in your life, your passivity and boredom are likely to lead to unhappiness and a feeling of meaninglessness or emptiness. Thus, it is important to pursue what gives you meaning and that you gain the confidence to handle the accompanying stress.

Taking control of your life means taking positive steps to deal with challenges. Such positive steps include the following:

• prioritize what is important in your life,
• face your difficulties head on,
• take steps to change what you can about any given situation,
• change your perspective about circumstances you cannot change,
• develop your sense of humor,
• take care of yourself physically and emotionally.

By all means, take risks!

It is key to recognize that even when we don’t have control over external circumstances, we do have control over our perspective, attitude and response to external circumstances. Thus, Viktor E. Frankl survived the holocaust.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

~Viktor E. Frankl

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Watch Ted Talk by Kelly McGonigal: How to make stress your friend

Living the Life you Desire:
“Why me? Everything would be different, if only….”

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“Noble Love” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Sometimes we impulsively focus on the negative, perpetuating our view of ourselves as victims lacking influence over our own life and attitude.

Sometimes we rush through life without any awareness of how those around us and we ourselves are feeling. In other words, we lack connection with the world and ourselves.

It’s important to ask yourself how you want to experience the journey through life. By keeping in mind how you really want to live your life, you are more likely to live the life you desire, whether that means being happy, reaching your full potential, having meaningful relationships, or all of the above.

Living a more fulfilling life is possible when we become self-aware and understand the dynamics of life’s subtleties.

Ask yourself what you would like more of in your life?

Enjoyment with friends.
Confidence—abilities and skills.
A better job.
Time with family.
Solitude.
Time outside to exercise and enjoy the out-of-doors.
Respect from those around you.
Better health.
More fun.
More financial security.
Serenity.

There is a time for solitude and a time for pursuing financial security. Much suffering comes from neglecting specific spheres in our life. The man who only wants to have fun and enjoy friends may end up alienating friends when he banks on their generosity for too long. The woman who is exclusively compelled to drive forward her career may find herself estranged from family and friends.

As we approach different stages in our life, we may be able to adjust our lives to achieve greater balance and with it a more fulfilling life. Living a meaningful, fulfilling life involves being mindful of the world around us as well as keeping aware of our own inner experience as we pass through the different phases of our life.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: ‘Since he lost his job, he doesn’t seem to care about our relationship.’”

Creating a better relationship:
“You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

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"Magic Swing" — Freddie Couples by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“Would you explain that again? I’d like to understand what you mean.”

The way you treat another person has tremendous impact on the type of relationship you are creating and on who you are as a person. If you repeatedly treat the other with condescension or dismissiveness, you are creating an unequal and unhappy relationship. When you focus on the weaknesses of others, you are actually demeaning yourself, despite your feelings of superiority.

If you repeatedly talk to the other person in ways that show that you think he or she is competent and capable, and can influence you, you are creating the foundation of equality and respect that can sustain a happy relationship. When you are patient enough to find out what someone really means, conversation becomes much more meaningful and productive.

We can bring out the best in others, ourselves, and our relationships by expressing empathy, curiosity, and magnanimity.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Communicating with “I” Statements: ‘You’re wrong!’”

Read “We always argue.”

Read “Improving Relationships.”

Happiness:
“We must have a terrible marriage because I’m so unhappy.”

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"BLISS"— Theo Fleury by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

When you’re unhappy, you tend to target those closest to you. When you feel depressed and anxious, it’s easy to conclude that your marriage (or work or the place you live) is undesirable and a failure. The assumption is that “If I were happy in my marriage, I wouldn’t feel so miserable.”

A vicious cycle commences, as unhappiness is terribly contagious. You blame those closest to you for your unhappiness, which causes them to feel defensive. Defensiveness furthers mistrust and misery, making it more difficult to feel loving and happy.

Before wrecking your relationships by blaming those around you, it’s wise to remember that your emotions fluctuate, and are dependent on a large number of factors having nothing to do with your partner. Simply changing your spouse rarely leads to long-term happiness. Moreover, a downcast emotional state rarely motivates a person to make the right changes required for happiness.

What’s needed for improving your happiness is a multifaceted, holistic approach. Research shows that the following key factors are involved in being happy:

1. Eating healthy foods provides the needed vitamins that affect brain chemicals and vitality; those include all the essential amino acids as well as vitamin D, which you can get from sunshine, food, or vitamins. Avoiding excessive sugar, fats, junk, nicotine, and alcohol can have a dramatic effect on happiness levels. People eating high-fat and sugary foods have been shown to be 58 percent more likely to suffer from depression than those who eat a healthy, balanced diet.

2. Exercising frequently increases serotonin, which, at too low a level, has been associated with depression and anxiety. Among other benefits, exercise is key to overcoming a lack of seratonin.

3. Activating positive behavior is one of the principal therapies used for depression. It means putting yourself out there to do the things that are enjoyable for you, even if you don’t feel like it, as well as being optimistic and smiling at others, which is proven to affect one’s state of mind.

4. Seeking inner peace either through meditation, spirituality, or other calming practices has a great affect on one’s happiness.

5. Cultivating good relationships with your partner, family, friends, and community (or having a pet) contributes tremendously to your happiness. Accepting others and feeling accepted, as well as being respectful and loving, are the best ways to enhance your connection with others.

6. Pursuing your passions, whether creative, spiritual, or athletic endeavors, enhances joy and vitality.

7. Meaningful work, particularly contributing to others, if you have time, has been shown to be one of the most life-enhancing activities. There’s nothing like helping a wounded warrior who has lost a limb to practice a new sport for finding connection and joy and forgetting about your own malaise in life.

8. Eliminating negative emotions and thoughts is critical to experiencing purposeful happiness. Once you start implementing the above seven factors toward happiness, it will be easier to eliminate negative emotions such as anger, resentment, and blame. You will also have less time for negative thinking such as perfectionism, black-and-white thinking, and projection – “I’m unhappy, therefore my marriage is terrible.”

In this fast-paced world of impulsive decision-making, many people wreck relationships before working on the multifaceted essentials to meaningful personal happiness.

Of course there are situations when a relationship is in serious trouble, e.g., having a partner who shows no interest in making the relationship work. However, for your own peace of mind, it’s worth the effort to incorporate the many various keys to happiness in your daily life first before making life-changing decisions. You may tap the well to happiness, and thereby change the dynamic of your marriage, because happiness turns out to be contagious too.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “What is there to be cheerful about?”

Read ‘Guest Author Roswitha McIntosh: In Search of the Good Life. ‘If only life weren’t such a struggle!’”

Read “My life has no purpose or meaning.”

Recommended: “How to be Happier” by Paul Jenner.

Mild Depression and the Blues: “You should be happy! Look at the bright side!”

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"Gravitas" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

While optimism tends to attract happier states of mind, we should avoid being judgmental toward those living through darker moods. It’s important to ask if a friend needs help or wants to talk about problems. Yet simply being there can be more beneficial than jumping in quickly to “fix” someone’s mild sadness and gloom.

In addition to being compassionate, we need to be able to give others space to process their own emotional states. There is a place and purpose for melancholy, heartache, and disenchantment.

Psychologist James Hillman claims that the “gravitas” accompanying mild depression may allow us to discover consciousness and the depths of the soul. “It brings refuge, limitation, focus, gravity, weight, and humble powerlessness.”

Rather than giving in to a dark mood or blaming someone else, a person undergoing the blues has an opportunity to listen to what the unconscious is trying to say.

For instance, someone who identifies with being action-oriented may ignore grief and loss. Those neglected feelings may gain energy in the form of a shadow that one day will burst to the surface as emotional outbursts or depression. Mild and temporary depression can be a wake up call to the sleepwalker within us, allowing us to take time to mull over our life’s journey.

If a friend’s melancholy goes on too long or becomes severe, however, it may be time to intensify concern about his or her inability to get out of the depressed state. Dark moods push people away and prolong isolation and solitude, which can perpetuate a cycle that becomes increasingly difficult to break. If depression is leading to atrophy and degeneration, it’s important to encourage the friend to get help or see a health care professional.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “You’re so grumpy. Why don’t you go take a hike!”