Tag Archives: happiness

Happiness, Freedom, and Independence: “I don’t know what will make me happy.”

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"Liberty" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

The very fact that we spend time thinking about happiness is one good reason to be happy. In order to have the option to pursue happiness, there has to be freedom from oppression as well as equality of individuals before the law.

One of the most powerful statements in United State’s founding documents shows the connection between equality and the pursuit of happiness:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

~The Declaration of Independence

Sadly, in too many countries people do not have the luxury of discussing happiness or love because the political environment does not allow the freedom needed to make meaningful choices. Poverty combined with totalitarian regimes oppress people to the point where mere survival is all that they can really think about.

We who live in countries that aspire to freedom and equality before the law are very fortunate in being able to have some ability to follow our own path to a happy and meaningful life.

Even if we don’t know what will make us happy, we can be grateful that we have enough security in our lives to consider what might make us happy.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Life-shifting with Dr. Hull: Don’t you think I should be happy?”

Resentment Part 3:
Irrational thinking:
“I’ll reject them before they reject me.”

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"Clarity" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Resentment eats away at a person’s well-being. The resentful person becomes unhappy, works less effectively, and pushes people away. Yet, the person resented is not called to task and is barely affected by the resentment.

Often, resentment is based on irrational thoughts. So if we clear up our thinking, sometimes we can eliminate this bitter feeling and its ill effects.

Irrational thoughts and their alternatives:

1. “Speaking up for oneself is wrong or abrasive.”
~Not speaking up often causes more harm than good.

2. “There are no disagreements in good relationships.”
~In all relationships there’s room for diplomatic disagreement. When people hide their opinions and feelings to avoid conflict, such suppression can lead to resentment and a bad relationship.

3. “I’m a victim; no one will accept me. So, I’ll reject them before they reject me.”
~People are much more likely to be accepting if you have some self-assurance and are accepting of them, warts and all.

4. “I’ll never win at anything I try; I’m unlucky.”
~Successful people learn from mistakes and persevere through failure.

5. “It’s WHO you know that matters.”
~Many people work their way to happiness and success through work, learning from their mistakes, kindness, and maintaining a good attitude.

It’s important to identify situations that trigger your irrational thoughts. Work out ways of responding to these triggers ahead of time. For example, if someone tends to take credit for your ideas, prepare to say with a smile, “I’m glad you like my idea.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Resentment Part 4: ‘I do it all and get no recognition.’ Ten Ways to eliminate resentment through self-empowerment.”

Watch “Expressing Anger Effectively.”

Dysfunctional Parents:
“My parents were so dysfunctional, I don’t even know what a good relationship looks like.”

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"Harmonic Resolution" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Whether or not you can or like to dance, dancing together is a perfect metaphor for the many interactions that occur in a relationship.

Ask yourself the following questions about your relationship: Do you do the dance of relationship to enjoy and connect with your partner or just to look good in front of other people? If you’ve ever seen the Australian comedy “Strictly Ballroom,” you can clearly see the difference between the dancers with an authentic connection and those who are trying to impress the crowds with flashy smiles, choreographed moves and peacock-feathered outfits.

Are you dancing WITH your partner or just dancing nearby, hardly ever looking at him or her? Are you critical or embarrassed of your partner’s moves? Are you more concerned with your own clumsiness than with having a good time together? When one of you makes a mistake, do you move on light-heartedly, or do you crucify your partner with an angry look?

The question at the heart of this metaphor is “How can two autonomous people desiring love and intimacy sustain their passion without becoming controlling, needy, bored, or reactive?”

The “dance” in the relationship remains most sustainable when the partners do not dance in lockstep nor in their own separate worlds.

Some dancers are lost without a partner who leads or follows as expected. They are incapable of being alone and independent, and as a result, try to control the other through heavy-handedness or critical looks. Similar “symptoms” develop in a relationship. Rather than simply adapting when their partner tries something new or independent, partners afraid of autonomy tend to react with anger, humiliation, or embarrassment.

On the other hand, partners who are focused primarily on themselves and remain excessively separate may never make a true connection at all.

When we dance together we embrace a paradox—we connect with our partner while honoring each person’s individuality and letting mild miss-steps slide. It’s the same in relationships, not just romantic ones. We have to embrace the paradox of responding considerately to our partner while honoring the music within ourselves.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Pursuit and Distancing.”

Read “Emotional Intimacy.”

Facial Expressions: “She says I frown all the time. That’s just me.”

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"Pleasure" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Your tone of voice, facial expressions, and words reflect your attitude about yourself, the person you’re talking to, and life in general.

Brain research shows that changing your facial expression actually makes you feel different—smiling makes you feel happier, frowning makes you feel angrier, gestures like sighing make you feel more hopeless. Not only does how you feel affect your facial expressions, but your facial expressions affect how you feel.

Research shows that if you watch a movie holding a pen across your mouth causing you to engage some of the smile muscles, you will think the movie is funnier than those who watched the movie without the pen. Simply smiling—even artificially—releases chemicals in the brain that make you feel happier—try it!

I’m not advocating walking around with a fake smile on your face. But it can’t hurt to become aware of your facial expressions and people’s reactions to them. Becoming aware of scowling, grimacing, or sneering allows you to choose to change your expression, and to some degree, the way you and others will feel.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Don’t look at me that way!”

“How can I be happy when she’s not?”

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"Joy" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire

If misery loves company, what does happiness do? It turns out that happiness is infectious, at least between married to each other. Recent research shows that married men are significantly more satisfied with their lives when their wives are happy with theirs, and vice versa.

British researcher Nick Powdthavee found that in married couples happiness can overflow from one spouse to the other, even for a partner who is facing difficulties. Unfortunately, the same results were not seen among unmarried couples who lived together.

In contrast, the negative effects of constant complaining or whining are greater than intended. The intended message of regularly pointing out flawed details in one’s surroundings, like “the toaster is sticking again,” can become a different message of “I am a pain to be around and will not stop complaining until you’re as unhappy as I am.”

It may seem obvious that it’s more enjoyable to be with someone happy than angry or depressed. Yet, this research gives people another good reason to seek happiness and not feel guilty about it. Since happiness is contagious, there’s no reason to try to make others feel better by showing them that your life is just as miserable as theirs. Instead, people can welcome happiness and serenity–at least to make their spouses happy.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Why do you need to go back to school?”

Read “I never get to go skiing anymore. My partner doesn’t like to ski.”