Tag Archives: happiness

Happiness:
“We must have a terrible marriage because I’m so unhappy.”

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"BLISS"— Theo Fleury by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

When you’re unhappy, you tend to target those closest to you. When you feel depressed and anxious, it’s easy to conclude that your marriage (or work or the place you live) is undesirable and a failure. The assumption is that “If I were happy in my marriage, I wouldn’t feel so miserable.”

A vicious cycle commences, as unhappiness is terribly contagious. You blame those closest to you for your unhappiness, which causes them to feel defensive. Defensiveness furthers mistrust and misery, making it more difficult to feel loving and happy.

Before wrecking your relationships by blaming those around you, it’s wise to remember that your emotions fluctuate, and are dependent on a large number of factors having nothing to do with your partner. Simply changing your spouse rarely leads to long-term happiness. Moreover, a downcast emotional state rarely motivates a person to make the right changes required for happiness.

What’s needed for improving your happiness is a multifaceted, holistic approach. Research shows that the following key factors are involved in being happy:

1. Eating healthy foods provides the needed vitamins that affect brain chemicals and vitality; those include all the essential amino acids as well as vitamin D, which you can get from sunshine, food, or vitamins. Avoiding excessive sugar, fats, junk, nicotine, and alcohol can have a dramatic effect on happiness levels. People eating high-fat and sugary foods have been shown to be 58 percent more likely to suffer from depression than those who eat a healthy, balanced diet.

2. Exercising frequently increases serotonin, which, at too low a level, has been associated with depression and anxiety. Among other benefits, exercise is key to overcoming a lack of seratonin.

3. Activating positive behavior is one of the principal therapies used for depression. It means putting yourself out there to do the things that are enjoyable for you, even if you don’t feel like it, as well as being optimistic and smiling at others, which is proven to affect one’s state of mind.

4. Seeking inner peace either through meditation, spirituality, or other calming practices has a great affect on one’s happiness.

5. Cultivating good relationships with your partner, family, friends, and community (or having a pet) contributes tremendously to your happiness. Accepting others and feeling accepted, as well as being respectful and loving, are the best ways to enhance your connection with others.

6. Pursuing your passions, whether creative, spiritual, or athletic endeavors, enhances joy and vitality.

7. Meaningful work, particularly contributing to others, if you have time, has been shown to be one of the most life-enhancing activities. There’s nothing like helping a wounded warrior who has lost a limb to practice a new sport for finding connection and joy and forgetting about your own malaise in life.

8. Eliminating negative emotions and thoughts is critical to experiencing purposeful happiness. Once you start implementing the above seven factors toward happiness, it will be easier to eliminate negative emotions such as anger, resentment, and blame. You will also have less time for negative thinking such as perfectionism, black-and-white thinking, and projection – “I’m unhappy, therefore my marriage is terrible.”

In this fast-paced world of impulsive decision-making, many people wreck relationships before working on the multifaceted essentials to meaningful personal happiness.

Of course there are situations when a relationship is in serious trouble, e.g., having a partner who shows no interest in making the relationship work. However, for your own peace of mind, it’s worth the effort to incorporate the many various keys to happiness in your daily life first before making life-changing decisions. You may tap the well to happiness, and thereby change the dynamic of your marriage, because happiness turns out to be contagious too.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “What is there to be cheerful about?”

Read ‘Guest Author Roswitha McIntosh: In Search of the Good Life. ‘If only life weren’t such a struggle!’”

Read “My life has no purpose or meaning.”

Recommended: “How to be Happier” by Paul Jenner.

Jealousy of Others:
“I feel bad about myself when I’m around him.”

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"Competitive Edge"—Juliana Furtado by Mimi Stuart©
Live the Life you Desire

It’s natural to compare ourselves to others — to see how we are doing and how we could do better. We can learn by observing — whether it’s a job, a sport, or how someone relates to others. Comparing ourselves to others can provide great constructive insight into how we can improve.

Yet, comparisons can be detrimental when we become jealous, that is, when we feel hostile toward others whom we perceive as being better, happier, or more successful. We harm ourselves in several ways.

1. We choose to feel miserable.

2. We show others that we feel inadequate and insecure.

3. We become unpleasant to be with.

4. We are less likely to learn how to improve.

5. We miss out on being inspired by others.

People who feel frequent pangs of jealousy tend to feel worthwhile or happy only when they stand out as being special or the best. Yet, self-worth and happiness do not come from being Number One, although they may result from being the best we can be, without regard to others.

People who are jealous of others’ happiness, accomplishments, or skills often lack a strong sense of self and of power over their lives. Rather than being energized, they merely resent the other person as a reminder of what they themselves seem to be lacking. They don’t feel they have control over improving their attitude, relationships, skills, and situations.

Yet, one way to improve your life is to appreciate other people’s high skill-level or happiness; you will actually feel more enjoyment and happiness yourself through such appreciation. Therefore, it’s better to be around people whose joy and talents inspire you rather than around those whose lack of passion leave you feeling better than, but also uninspired.

If the goal is to be happy or the best we can be, then it’s best to stop focusing resentfully on what others have and can do. We’re better off admiring and enjoying the blessings of others, and focusing with gratitude on what we have and what we want to accomplish. In fact, relishing others’ blessings with delight has an inspirational effect on the body and soul.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Resentment.”


Read “No money: ‘I get really unhappy not to be able to buy clothes when I see all my friends shopping.’”

Guest Author Roswitha McIntosh:
In Search of the Good Life.
“If only life weren’t such a struggle!”

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"In Search of the Good Life" Cover by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

What is the Good Life?
Is it freedom from want, or
freedom to do as we please?
Is it leisure, status or power?
Or is it happiness,
serenity, and contentment?
Is it the same for all of us?

Let us begin our quest.

It begins by looking within ourselves;
for a good life has many aspects,
different for each of us.
As we grow, change and mature,
so, too, our ideal of a Good Life changes.

A Good Life can be an active life,
filled with purpose and usefulness,
with endeavors, challenges and friends,
and with pride in one’s work,
for even a small task is significant
in the mosaic of the whole.

With pride in our effort comes
confidence and self respect,
vital ingredients in a Good Life.
For as we esteem ourselves,
so we grant respect, kindness
and consideration to others.

Freedom from want is often
praised as ensuring a Good Life.
But does it?
Some of us recall times of struggle as
the best years of our life, times that
challenged our courage and strength,
our ingenuity, endurance and faith,
when hardship and struggle
were our taskmasters.
Indeed, a Good Life is ethereal,
unrelated to plenty or need,
for its roots lie within us.

Moderation and curiosity are
crucial in our world of excess:
moderation in action and thought, and
curiosity to explore our wondrous world
teeming with beauty and mystery.

Our life may abound
in belongings and luxuries,
alluring tendrils which enslave us.
Yet dangers lurk everywhere.
Let us gratefully enjoy
what we are given.
Possessions are not essential,
but joy and gratitude are.

Fear and worry have no place in a
Good Life. Let courage crowd them out.
Courage helps us face the world.
Courage sets us free to take risks,
free to assume responsibility,
and free to admit our failings
as part of being human.
For no one is perfect.

Embrace life
whole-heartedly,
with all its ironies, ambiguities
and contradictions.

Our world of diversity
begs for Tolerance:

Tolerance to allow others to be
who they are, and tolerance
to let them become what they can be.
Tolerance transcends the need
for power over others.
It is the path to
untrammeled accord.

Above all there must be love
and good will toward all creation,
love toward Life itself.

Once the Good Life has been found,
it must be won again daily,
for life is in eternal flux.

Thus, in the search for the Good Life,
keep two ingredients on hand:
a flexible mind, ready to adapt to
what today may bring,
and a sense of humor
willing to smile, even
in the face of adversity.

by Roswitha McIntosh, author of “Live, Laugh and Learn—Tales of Tumultous Times,” “Madman and his Mistress—History in the Making,” and “In Search of the Good Life.”

Read “Fantasies: ‘All I want is a Lamborghini! Then I’d be happy.’”

Living together Part I: Manners and Boundaries —
“What’s the matter with you? Look at this mess you made!”

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"Serenity" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Most of us like to come home to a place of harmony. To keep home as an oasis of peace, it helps to have manners and maintain boundaries. Here are some guidelines that work for most people.

1. Acknowledge others. Acknowledge them when they walk in the room; say “hello” and “goodbye.” Don’t take people for granted; say “please” and “thank you.”

2. Stay calm rather than being reactive. If someone’s grumpy, you don’t have to fix the problem or take it personally. Give the person space if you can. If the negative energy is overwhelming, then leave the room or say something without being offensive. “You seem unhappy. Is there something I can do for you?”

3. Seek some solitude every day and give others their privacy as well. By clearly communicating your intentions and your needs — that you need to rest or catch up on reading, for example, others will not take your isolation personally.

4. Look for the best in others and you’ll probably find it. Look for the worst, and that’s what you’ll find. If you’re the critical type, learn to let things roll off your shoulders. But if you’re the type to avoid making waves, try to speak up when things really bother you. The sooner you bring up things that upset you, the more casual and easy the conversation and relationship will be.

5. Communicate without judgment. All of us react quite differently to a friendly request than to negative criticism. Tone of voice and intention are more important than wording. “I feel a lot happier when the house is neat. I would really appreciate it if you’d clean up your dishes after you use them. And let me know if there’s something I can do differently.”

People in close quarters who are caring and thoughtful without being reactive or invasive can make living together a joy.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Living together Part 2: Fairness”

Read “It drives my partner crazy that I’m too polite. I think he is too blunt.”

Read “You’re so irritable! Why don’t you go TAKE A HIKE and cool off!”

No money: “I get really unhappy not to be able to buy clothes when I see all my friends shopping.”

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"Paya" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If asked to make a list of the happiest moments in their lives, most people will say that they are the times they spend with friends and family, enjoying the moment, enjoying nature, admiring a work of art, doing something for someone they love or for someone in need. They also enjoy learning, understanding, and moving their body — walking, dancing, or pursuing a sport.

None of these pursuits require money. The feeling of enjoyment that comes from learning, accomplishing something, or bringing joy to others lasts longer than simply purchasing new clothes.

There’s no denying that buying a new outfit or a new car is pleasurable, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. That pleasure, however, loses its luster very quickly. In fact, that’s why many people buy more clothes and stuff than they really need. They have to keep buying more to repeatedly get that quick fix of enjoyment, despite the fact that it fades so quickly.

Instead of focusing on those quick highs from getting something new, focus your energy on the deeper, more meaningful ways to experience happiness, and your longing to seek the short-lived gratification of purchasing more stuff will diminish.

by Alison Poulsen, Phd

Read “I’m embarrassed that I can’t afford to go out.”