Tag Archives: gossip

Triangulation: “Two of my best friends are telling me about how bad the other is and making me promise not to say anything, and then I feel guilty.”

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"In the Loop" — Jim Furyk by Mimi Stuart ©

“In the Loop”—Jim Furyk by Mimi Stuart ©

Next time one of your friends starts talking to you about another friend, you might just ask, “What would you like from me? How can I help you with this?” If they just want to vent and complain, then I would back away from the conversation because it’s just not going to make anyone’s life any better.

People “triangulate” when they bring a third person in the middle of their conflict in order to relieve their anxiety, not to improve the situation. Sometimes people allow themselves to be triangulated because they like the feeling of being included and needed. But triangulation usually involves taking sides and doesn’t end well. Listening to complaints is draining and fuels negativity.

Dealing with triangulation and dealing with derogatory gossip have much in common. Here are some ways you can respond:

1. Have empathy for the person being talked about. Take the other person’s side and play the devil’s advocate.

2. Respond with light-hearted humor.

3. Avoid getting in the middle. “I think it would be more effective if you talked to him about how you feel, rather than to me.” Or “I care about both of you and think it’s best not to get in the middle.”

4. Focus your attention on why your friend is preoccupied with talking about your other friend. “Why are you obsessed with Amanda? Maybe it would be better to focus on your own life.”

5. Be direct. “I’m uncomfortable listening to all this negativity about someone who’s not here to defend himself.”

6. Help your friend improve the situation: “Can you think of a diplomatic way to talk to her directly?” Or “Have you thought about how you may have participated in this situation?”

Part of friendship is helping with dilemmas, conflict, and relationships. However, if someone is not attempting to gain insight and improve the situation at hand, then that person may simply be using you to vent and avoid the difficult task of self-awareness and growth. In situations of attempted triangulation a friend should speak up and challenge the other person to be the best he or she can be.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Healthy Relationships and
Effective Communication

www.sowhatireallymeant.com
@alisonpoulsen
https://www.facebook.com/dralisonpoulsen

Read “Venting and Triangulation.”

Read “Triangulation: ‘My ex can’t stop complaining about me to my child. I feel like doing the same right back.’”

“My ex was the worst….”

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"Mississippi Blues" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Mississippi Blues” by Mimi Stuart ©

Talking about your ex in a disparaging way is tedious and draining to others and reflects poorly on you as a person. Nobody will be impressed that your last boyfriend or ex-wife sent abusive emails or stalked you. They will merely wonder whether you are a victim or a bad judge of character.

If asked about your past relationships, rather than starting on a diatribe of complaints, you could simply say, “We went our separate ways,” or “We grew apart.”

Grow up, don’t put down

Better yet, find a way to view your difficult relationships of the past with perspective and find a silver lining. After all, you were together for a reason and probably got something out of the relationship.

It is often through the very gridlock and troubles in a relationship that we learn who we are and what our boundaries are.

We all live and learn from experience, especially from painful episodes that cause us to grow.

There may be times when you do want to talk about a painful relationship with a close friend in order to gain insight about yourself or the relationship or to share what you have learned. Yet self-reflective conversations are very different from complaining about and belittling others. Remember to stick to the former, where your intent is to understand, grow, gain peace, and become more whole.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen
Twitter: @alisonpoulsen
https://www.facebook.com/dralisonpoulsen

Read “My ex was a psycho!”

Read “My negative emotions bring me down. I tend to dwell on feeling hurt or angry.”

Watch “Why do people gossip, and when is it malicious?”

Ten reasons not to spread rumors

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"Perception" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Perception” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Telling provocative stories about other people will get you attention. Yet spreading unverified information will cause harm to you in ways that may not be immediately evident.

There are ten harmful effects to people who spread rumors and perpetrate malicious gossip:

1. You prove you are not trustworthy. When people hear you speculating about other people or spreading rumors, they know that you are likely to talk about them behind their back as well.

2. You appeal to busybodies. You will be fostering relationships with an uninspiring group of people. Individuals who listen to rumor mongering do not have a lot going on in their lives and will not be interesting themselves.

3. You hurt others. Spreading rumors damages other people’s reputation without being based on substantiated fact. You can destroy people’s self-confidence, their careers, and even their lives.

4. You feel dirty. The attention may feel good while listeners are gripped by your salacious story, but soon thereafter it won’t feel good when you realize you’ve damaged someone’s reputation.

5. You waste time focusing on hearsay. The time spent talking about others could have been used to do something more productive or inspiring.

6. You lose your credibility. When you exaggerate or spread unverified gossip, people will stop believing what you say.

7. You feel pressure to satisfy a never-ending thirst for more rumor-mongering. You will need to come up with more stories to pique the jaded or prurient interest of your listeners, which further pressures you to exaggerate or spread hearsay.

8. You push interesting people away. People with productive or interesting lives are generally repelled by rumor mongers, and will start avoiding you once they figure out your MO.

9. You lose sight of your own interests. The attention you’re getting is not in response to your more positive talents, skills and efforts, but the salacious gossip you mete out. What you focus on in life is what develops. So your more positive qualities diminish into the background.

10. You demean yourself. You degrade yourself by showing a lack of integrity when you choose to spread unverified information.

Conclusion

It’s natural to be curious about other people’s lives, to spread factual or verifiable news about others, and to discuss human behavior to gain insight into our own lives and the lives of others. Yet spreading rumors, which are not verified facts, generally diminishes your life and the lives of those around you.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Watch “How to distinguish harmless gossip from malicious gossip.”

Read “Gossip: ‘What else did you hear?’”

Watch “How to respond to malicious gossip.”

How to Distinguish Harmless From Malicious Gossip

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Talking about other people is natural. Sometimes though, talking about others brings everyone down. How do we distinguish harmless from malicious gossip? And why do people partake in malicious gossip?

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”

Read: “Gossip: ‘I can’t stand malicious gossip, but sometimes I end up participating in it!’”

Conversations Without End:
“I wish I could get off the phone.”

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"Kiai" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Kiai” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Have you ever wished you could cut short a conversation that never seems to end, but you dread offending the other person and as a result you just keep listening? Tedious and one-sided conversations and phone calls can be draining and exhausting. These sorts of vent sessions, complaining, and gossip can leave you feeling wrung out and empty.

Yet many people find it difficult to end these encounters because they fear offending the other person. Whether the other person is a co-worker, family member, friend, or acquaintance, it’s helpful to know how to enforce boundaries without being rude. The same techniques can be used for ending worthwhile conversations at times when you have time constraints.

Here are some ideas:

1. Mention your time constraint. Often you can give the talkative person a warning at the beginning of the conversation about your time constraints, e.g., that you only have a few seconds, a minute, or 15 minutes. “Hi. I only have a minute.” One minute later, “I have to go. Have a great afternoon.” End it promptly and you will not have the problem.

2. Interrupt. It may be necessary to interrupt the talker, but you can do so without sounding angry or impatient. A matter of fact, polite tone of voice, without being apologetic or unsure works best. “Unfortunately, I have to get going. Talk to you soon.”

3. Be diplomatically honest. If these types of conversations with a particular person are an ongoing problem that you’d like to address, speak of your own feelings without attacking or judging the talker. “I’m sorry not to be able to help you, but I have to tell you that it is exhausting when we talk about these problems so much. I’d prefer to talk about something more uplifting.” Or, “I like to connect with you, but I don’t have much time to talk with all of my commitments to work and to the kids.”

Time is valuable. When you waste time waiting anxiously for a conversation to end because you are trying to be polite, you are not helping the perpetrator or yourself to live a more fulfilling life.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “Distinguishing Harmless from Malicious Gossip.”

Watch “How To Respond To Malicious Gossip.”

Read “I have friends who bring me down.”

Read “The Introvert and the Extrovert: ‘You always stay home!’”