“The Kiss” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
A relationship is made up of a history of interactions between two people. All of the daily moments, glances, words, and focus of energy add up to create your relationship. Consider what kind of interactions your relationship consists of primarily:
Connection,
Collaboration,
Cuddling,
Caring,
Conversations, and
Compliments,
“Perfect Swing” — Paula Creamer by Mimi Stuart ©
In a good long-term relationship, curiosity, interest, fun and desire thrive because there is adequate independence in the relationship. Here are some suggestions on how to avoid too much emotional fusion and codependence, which will smother the mystery, fun and desire in a relationship:
Don’t express every feeling and thought.
Hurt feelings, misunderstandings and other stresses will inevitably occur in any relationship. So you need to be able to communicate effectively, that is, being candid while having compassion. Express yourself briefly and on point, and ask yourself “is what I am about to say/do/ask helpful or hurtful, and is it necessary?”
Do not communicate every thought and feeling, and become annoying and tedious. Constantly expressing what’s on your mind is unnecessary and a sure way to kill all curiosity and ultimately the relationship.
“I’m bored.”
“I’m lonely.”
“I’m hungry.”
“I don’t like the way she talks.”
“I gained weight and feel sluggish.”
“I think I’ll have a cookie.”
Try to contain the more mundane thoughts and feelings, and express only the more interesting and important ones.
People generally become controlling out of their own insecurity. They may assume that if they can control the other person’s actions and thoughts, they might avoid potentially losing them. The opposite is true. The controlling person becomes oppressive and undesirable, making others want to flee.
Avoid nagging, pushing and managing your partner. Avoid telling your partner what to do or what to think all of the time. Allow some freedom, independence, and space between the two of you – it’s important. You want to be with a separate individual, not a puppet.
At the beginning of the relationship, you may have felt whole and fulfilled as though all your needs were being met. But many of those feelings of fulfillment are a result of the initial excitement of falling in love, as well as your own projections, that is, your fantasy of who that other person is.
When you continue to expect another person to satisfy all your needs, you burden the relationship with your own unrealistic expectations. No other person will totally satisfy your emotional needs. You need to meet those needs yourself.
Enjoy your time together, but don’t require your partner to validate you constantly and to fulfill all your needs. That will only lead to disappointment and resentment.
If you want to feel desired, you need to be desirable. People shine when they live a full and vital life, engage in interests and with a variety of people, and have independent thoughts and pursuits. So pursue your passions and nourish your friendships.
Some partners may feel threatened by this, but the alternative is worse. Restricting your life by eliminating your passions and other friendships will ultimately doom the relationship and your own life to misery and meagerness.
You can start with small steps. When you see how effective those steps are, it will become easy, fun and rewarding to make your life more abundant and multifaceted. For example, do some things on your own or with friends instead of always waiting at home. Suggest new activities to your partner, but if he or she is uninterested, then go do it alone or with someone else. Take a walk, see a movie, take a trip to the beach, take up a new hobby, travel on your own or with friends.
You will become more interesting, fulfilled, and desirable.
If following these suggestions is difficult for you, you can get help and learn specific actions to take to develop healthier loving relationships at Co-Dependence Anonymous or with a good cognitive behavioral therapist.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
“Grazia” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
1. Connection,
2. Collaboration,
3. Cuddling,
4. Caring,
5. Conversations, and
6. Compliments
Or
1. Commands,
2. Complaints,
3. Criticisms,
4. Clinging,
5. Cringing, and
6. Contempt.
When two people first meet, strong attraction can sustain a great deal of togetherness. However, sustaining the enjoyment in a relationship over the long term is an art that requires skill and practice. This is true for all relationships not just romantic ones. Specific changes in our daily interactions can enhance our relationships.
Questions to consider to improve your relationships:
1. Social media
Do you check social media too frequently, which distracts you from being present with people or doing something ultimately more fulfilling? If so, limit your time with social media or at least postpone checking and responding to social media. This will make you a better friend, parent, and spouse and leave more time for doing things that truly inspire you.
2. Messy or thoughtless
Do you leave dirty dishes in the kitchen or a mess around the house? If so, consider how that impacts you and the people you live with. There is no extra effort in cleaning up now rather than later. It simply requires changing the timing of when you do it.
3. Lack of self-care
Do you eat junk food and forget to get exercise? If so, think about how your lack of self-care makes you feel less healthy and attractive to both you and to those around you. Taking care of your health and physical vitality affects both you and others.
4. Rude or complaining
Do you frequently complain or display rudeness or disrespect? Staying calm and taking time to think before you communicate will greatly affect your relationships and effectiveness in the world. Noticing and appreciating good things about people and the events in your life will also improve your relationships and increase your own happiness.
5. Not present
Are you often in a rush because you’ve taken on too many responsibilities? There is nothing more annoying than being with someone who always has more “important” things on his or her mind. The message a busy person conveys is that other people are not that important.
Some people have no choice but to have several jobs and to carry a large burden in life. Even so, it’s important to make the effort to be present with loved ones. Other people, however, have chosen to be busy and blame their haste on deadlines that they have chosen to make a priority.
You gain freedom in your life when you realize that many of the duties and endeavors on your list are the result of the choices you make. Saying “yes” to your top priorities and “no” to a few lesser priorities will free up your time so you can truly enjoy your life and your relationships.
Conclusion
If you want a good relationship, communicate in a way that deepens the relationship and builds upon positive interactions. If you want a great relationship, practice being thoughtful, respectful, reasonable, and enjoyable, and sustain an atmosphere of desire.
If you want more fun, be more fun and do more enjoyable things together. If you want more passion, take care of your physical and emotional health, be more sensual, and seduce your partner with your own vitality and desire.
by Dr. Alison Poulsen
Watch “Seven keys to a great relationship.”
Read “Ten Keys to a Great Relationship: ‘The magic is gone.’”
Read “How to predict a divorce or the breakup of a relationship.”