Tag Archives: fear

Fear: “I hate feeling so much fear. How can I get rid of it?”

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"On the Edge" -- Theo Fleury by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Fear is an emotional response that alerts you to potential danger like a car’s warning light. Without a warning, you could get into a lot of trouble.

On the other hand, if that warning light is as loud as one of those security alarm systems, which screech at you “INTRUDER! INTRUDER!” it will scare the day lights out of you. Being overcome by fear can cause mental paralysis and panic, and it will make it difficult to deal with situations rationally. As a result, the warning grows louder and the fear compounds.

It’s more effective to treat fear as an indicator telling you to be alert and look at your situation with an eye toward short and long-term consequences.

Obviously, if the danger is a life and death matter like a child falling into the road then you must act quickly in defense of the child. But in most cases we can take time to resolve things that we fear.

First, with a pen in hand and the serenity prayer* in mind, be creative and imagine various potential actions you could take. Second, look rationally at your priorities and carefully weigh the pros and cons. Third, figure out and take the appropriate first step.

Once you start creatively listing potential actions and thoughtfully analyzing those choices, you have engaged other parts of your mind. This will help alleviate the panic, as well as help avert or minimize any potential danger.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Catastrophizing.”

* The Serenity Prayer:

“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace…”

Catastrophizing: “I failed my test. Now they’ll know how stupid I am. I’ll never get into college and get a decent job.”

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"Jungle Noises" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Catastrophizing can lead to a very fearful, and even depressed state of mind. When any small mishap leads you to imagine a downward spiral of horrible consequences, you are likely to become overwhelmed, panicked, or despondent. And that despondence might become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Extreme self-criticism and pessimism that can cause catastrophizing often lead to depression and the deterioration of relationships.

Yet, the alternative is not a naïvite that ignores the challenges of your reality. It is important to be aware of potential dangers to be able to be prepared for the real world.

We should strive for a balance between fear and hope. That is an informed awareness.

Remember that no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and will fail at one time or another. The best thing is to learn from your mistakes, while maintaining your dignity and having faith in yourself.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Black and White Thinking.”

Drunk Driving: “I hate driving with you when you’ve been drinking this much!”

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"Into a Dry Martini" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If your partner or friend who’s been drinking too much insists on driving with you on board, notice your reaction: Do you hesitate because you’re afraid of upsetting the other person and therefore you’d rather comply?

When we’re not aware of the psychological forces that motivate us, they can wreak havoc in our lives. This is a situation where the desire to comply in order to get along can endanger your life.

Accommodating others is reasonable as long as we are not risking harm or motivated to do so by the dread of the anxiety associated with non-compliance. But when acquiescing to pressure compromises your own safety and well-being, it is not worth temporarily appeasing an out-of-control or inebriated person. It does not show respect for oneself or others.

So it’s important to develop the ability to withstand the anxiety of standing up against forceful demands. When an intoxicated person pressures you with “I’m fine; just get in the car,” you don’t need to convince him or her of anything. Walking away and being safe is what’s important.

If the person is really drunk and could endanger others on the road, it takes additional courage to take the keys or call the police. You may save not only someone else’s life, but the drunk driver’s life as well. It’s better for the intoxicated person to go to jail and experience embarrassment than to live with the consequences of having injured or killed someone.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

“I found out my daughter has cancer. All I can do is cry and worry.”

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"Blue Angels" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Feelings of fear and worry are important to get our attention in times of danger. Once we are alerted to difficulties, however, we need to harness fear and worry in favor of our personal power. The most useful powers in times of difficulty include courage, love, and clear thinking.

If you are on an airplane that is in danger of crashing, would you want the pilot and flight attendants to be frightened and freaked out, or focused and unruffled?

Experiencing vulnerability is a crucial part of being able to feel empathy and love. Being able to feel sadness, longing, and fear is that which allows great artists, writers and musicians to convey the depths of the human experience.

However, we should not allow feelings and vulnerability to take over. Worry and anxiety are contagious and paralyzing. It is the power of our capabilities, our thinking, our courage, and our optimism that can best handle the inevitable difficulties of life.

In fact, the greater your ability to feel vulnerable AND CONTAIN feelings of fear and vulnerability without succumbing to anxiety, the greater comfort you will be to your daughter and the more you can be of help and continue to effectively function in times of crisis.

When you feel calm and courageous, you can clearly analyze your daughter’s situation without alternating between fake cheer and anxiety-ridden panic. You can also become a source of authentic strength and optimism.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Fearful Children.”

Life Shifting with Dr. Hull: “Don’t you think I should be happy?”

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"Stepping into Flux" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

We are so attached to the concept of being happy in this culture that we beat ourselves up whenever life appears other than aligned with this lofty—and quite often unattainable—goal. In the sentence above, “should” is a euphemism, a stand-in, for “something is wrong with my life.” I don’t accept life as it is. Either IT (life) or I need to change.

What is the antidote to the debacle of “should”? In its many internal and external guises, “should” is often a sign of resistance to what is, and resistance, at its core, is almost always fear. Take a moment and think about what the deeper voice—the one bubbling up from the heart—might be saying (when in the throes of “should”): “I am afraid to let go of my partner. I am afraid to change. I am afraid that he doesn’t love me. I am afraid that my life will be a failure.” YIKES! Do you see how the monster of fear lies in wait under the surface mantra of “life should be different”?

Happiness, in the context of “should” is a paradox, because only by letting go of the “should” component—which is based on fear and our need to control—can true happiness ultimately emerge in our lives. I believe we could be happy, but only if we learn to stop resisting life, embrace change, and resonate, relish, and revel, deep down, head to toe, in the mud of what is, which is what becoming a “life-shifter” is ultimately about.

By Dr. Jeffrey Hull, Author of “SHIFT: Let Go of Fear and Get Your Life in Gear”, Radio Host on Transformation Talk Radio; Life Shifting with Dr. Hull, Psychologist and Executive Coach in New York.