Tag Archives: family gatherings

“I feel overwhelmed thinking about my family visiting next week.”

Posted on by
Reply

"Awating Good Fortune"—Phil Mickelson by Mimi Stuart ©

“Awating Good Fortune”—Phil Mickelson by Mimi Stuart ©

When facing a family visit, people often have ambivalent feelings, wanting to make everyone happy, yet dreading the work and potential personal conflicts that loom ahead.

Expectations

You may feel obligated to put everyone up at your house and prepare all the meals because you think that’s what is expected of you. While giving to others can be deeply fulfilling, it’s best to give at a level where you can do so wholeheartedly and lovingly rather than resentfully. You don’t want to slip into martyrdom.

Instead of succumbing to what you think is expected, decide what you are willing to do and state so up front.

If, for example, you are happy to prepare one meal, graciously invite everyone for that meal. “I invite you all for dinner on Friday night. On Saturday, we can go out,” or “You’re on your own.” “You can pick up your favorite breakfast groceries at the store down the street.”

People like to know what is expected in the way of itinerary, sleeping arrangements, kids’ rules, differing holiday traditions, and dogs. If you clarify expectations and don’t promise too much, you can be giving without becoming exasperated and resentful. When you communicate clearly ahead of time, people are less likely to be disappointed because they understand the game plan and your expectations.

Saying “No.”

If your relatives or friends tend to ignore your requests, hints, and desires, or are generally unpleasant, then there’s no need to accommodate them with meals or housing, unless you are willing and able to live up to Mother Theresa’s philosophy: “People are generally irrational, unreasonable and selfish. Love them anyway.”

You can say “no” while still communicating warm-heartedly. For example, “That’s not a good weekend for us to have visitors. We would love to see you though if you come into town. Call us and we’ll meet for coffee/a drink/lunch.”

by Dr. Alison Poulsen (reposted from 2011)

Read “The courage to say ‘No’: ‘I wish I hadn’t said ‘Yes,’ I just don’t have the time!’”

Read “Overfunctioning and underfunctioning: ‘If I don’t take care of things, nothing will ever get done.’”

Dreading intrusive questions at family gatherings:
“It’s none of your business!”

Posted on by
2

"Backspin" — Tiger Woods by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Questions about getting married, getting a “real” job, or how the divorce is going can be awkward at family gatherings. It’s helpful to keep in mind that many relatives are truly concerned and simply want what’s best for you. Others might simply be trying to make conversation and to be considerate rather than intrusive.

Humor is a great way to deflect such prying questions. If asked about something awkward, keep a positive, light-hearted attitude. If you show that you feel uncomfortable or upset, you simply draw attention to yourself and to the topic.

If someone asks about your divorce status or financial situation, you could answer the question in a generality as Emerson would: ‘Money often costs too much.’”

Steer the conversation in the direction of their lives: “Aw, that’s not so interesting. What’s going on in your life?”

Try the quizzical eyebrow with a smile that says, “You can’t think of anything else to talk about? Come on now.”

If you know that someone is going to ask you when you are finally going to have children or some other unwelcome question, you might approach that person first in private, and say something like, “I know you want us to have children, but we haven’t made that decision yet. Let’s not bring it up at dinner. Thanks.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “How to respond to malicious gossip.”

Read “Why people gossip and how to avoid it.”

Embarrassing adult relatives:
Scowl! “Psst! Can’t you chew with your mouth closed?”

Posted on by
3

"Genius Unleashed" — Robin Williams by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Everyone has some relative who has bad table manners, belongs to a crazy cult, or drinks too much. We tend to be hardest on those closest to us, wanting to eradicate their bad habits. Yet, showing embarrassment and disapproval tends to draw out the worst in those around us, and may reveal that we care too much about the family image.

Our relatives don’t define who we are and besides, no one is perfect. Life is too short to worry about the imperfections in those around us. Generally, a sense of humor can help us overlook our family’s extreme political views or incessant bragging.

You’re better off not trying to change adult relatives or to get them to see the light. If they haven’t changed in 20 years, they are not likely to change now. The exception would be if they became deeply motivated to change within themselves.

Abusive behavior or language, however, is another matter completely. It’s important to speak up or leave when someone is aggressive or acts inappropriately, such as name calling or exercising harsh criticism. When you respond to a verbal attack, you could say, “When you call me names, it’s denigrating to both of us, and makes me want to leave. If you have something to say to me, say it respectfully.” If they can’t stop their belittling behavior, then it’s time to limit or stop spending your time with them.

Harmless personality quirks, though, can be seen as a source of amusement rather than providing you with a mission to correct them. Challenge yourself to use your wit, creativity, and humanity to overlook imperfections and to bring out the best in those eccentric family members around you.

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.

~Robin Williams

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’m embarrassed that I can’t afford to go out to eat.”