Have you ever tried to get someone to change who they are? Maybe your partner or a parent or child?
Sometimes we cling to unrealistic hopes and fantasies. The reality is nobody has all the qualities you want, and people don’t change very much.
Ultimately, you only have control over yourself! Facing reality often means changing your expectations, your situation, or your relationship status. Continue reading
"Tranquility" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Physical health and balance
First make sure that your lifestyle is healthy. Lack of sleep, too much sugar, alcohol, drugs or medications, lack of exercise, as well as physical disorders can cause stress hormones to get out of control. Revitalizing your physical health strengthens your ability to handle stressful situations.
Expectations, thoughts, and worries
Much of our stress and anxiety results from dwelling too much on our expectations—negative and positive. We live in fear of our negative expectations coming true.
“He’s going to be angry.”
“I won’t be able to pay the rent.”
“I’m never good enough.”
We feel let down when our positive expectations are not met.
“If I were thinner, he would love me.”
“If I had gotten the promotion, I would be happy.”
Our thoughts cause much of our physical and emotional stress. Imagine seeing your new boyfriend with another woman. The bitter disappointment felt in your body reflects your thoughts—that he’s cheating on you or that he’s no longer interested in you and too selfish to be honest with you.
Later he calls to invite you over to meet his sister who’s in town visiting. Suddenly all the stress vanishes and you feel relief and joy, simply because your thoughts have changed. Or perhaps he really was cheating, but many months or years later, your life takes a wonderful turn and you realize how fortunate you were to leave that relationship.
Refocus your thoughts
If you could learn to think differently, much of your stress and unhappiness would vanish. If you could live your life without wishing things were not as they are and without fearing the worst, you would be more fully present to the moment and not overcome with fears about the future.
Letting go of your expectations does not mean that you shouldn’t have personal goals, that you shouldn’t have boundaries and consequences for bad behavior in your relationships, or that you shouldn’t be prepared for potential risks in the future. It means that you should stop trying to control aspects of your life that you cannot control.
Make room for the unexpected
When you actively expect the unexpected, you can more easily handle whatever comes your way with equanimity. If you are over-scheduled, then whenever something unexpected occurs, you will experience frustration. If you have no space in your life for the unexpected, then when someone calls, drops by, needs you, or when you forget something, it will cause unnecessary agitation.
Avoiding over-scheduling your life will give you room to accept the inevitable unforeseen challenges, opportunities, and adventures that life offers us. It also allows you time to relax, enjoy, be creative, and engage with other people without feeling rushed.
Accept reality
Try and enjoy or at least be accepting of whatever happens. If there’s a traffic jam on the freeway on your way to the airport, you’ll either make the plane or you won’t. You might as well make the most of the time you have in your car rather than panic.
Some of the worst disasters turn out to make the best stories. Some of the most unwanted outcomes lead to great adventures and opportunities. The more quickly you can accept the inevitable, the less time you lose fighting reality.
When you become willing to accept reality, you can base your decisions on what is rather than on what you wish were true or what you dread might be the case.
Embrace some stress
It turns out that having a moderate amount of stress as well as some control over your life is healthier and results in more happiness than having no stress or no control in your life. Thus, the goal should not be to eliminate stress but to focus primarily on things you can do something about. Taking control requires taking positive steps to deal with challenges. So, do not ignore problems, suppress stress, or allow yourself to be consumed by stress.
Taking control includes prioritizing your life and changing your situation. Equally important is relieving your stress in healthy ways such as exercising, finding a way to laugh, and relaxing with friends or family. In situations where there is no course of action to take, try slow deep breathing and consciously change your attitude and perspective about the situation.
by Dr. Alison Poulsen
“Awating Good Fortune”—Phil Mickelson by Mimi Stuart ©
Expectations
You may feel obligated to put everyone up at your house and prepare all the meals because you think that’s what is expected of you. While giving to others can be deeply fulfilling, it’s best to give at a level where you can do so wholeheartedly and lovingly rather than resentfully. You don’t want to slip into martyrdom.
Instead of succumbing to what you think is expected, decide what you are willing to do and state so up front.
If, for example, you are happy to prepare one meal, graciously invite everyone for that meal. “I invite you all for dinner on Friday night. On Saturday, we can go out,” or “You’re on your own.” “You can pick up your favorite breakfast groceries at the store down the street.”
People like to know what is expected in the way of itinerary, sleeping arrangements, kids’ rules, differing holiday traditions, and dogs. If you clarify expectations and don’t promise too much, you can be giving without becoming exasperated and resentful. When you communicate clearly ahead of time, people are less likely to be disappointed because they understand the game plan and your expectations.
Saying “No.”
If your relatives or friends tend to ignore your requests, hints, and desires, or are generally unpleasant, then there’s no need to accommodate them with meals or housing, unless you are willing and able to live up to Mother Theresa’s philosophy: “People are generally irrational, unreasonable and selfish. Love them anyway.”
You can say “no” while still communicating warm-heartedly. For example, “That’s not a good weekend for us to have visitors. We would love to see you though if you come into town. Call us and we’ll meet for coffee/a drink/lunch.”
by Dr. Alison Poulsen (reposted from 2011)
Read “The courage to say ‘No’: ‘I wish I hadn’t said ‘Yes,’ I just don’t have the time!’”
"Ennobling Struggle" Einstein by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
The flaw behind black-and-white thinking is that it does not reflect the complexity of human nature and the world around us. Most people are not absolutely good or evil. Most events in life have more intricate shades of color than simply black and white.
Black-and–white thinking stems from our reptilian brain, which makes snap decisions as to what’s safe or dangerous in order for us to survive an immediate physical threat. When this ancient part of the brain is triggered, it overrides the reasoning and problem-solving abilities we’ve developed through evolution.
Some people raised to be black-and-white thinkers remain stuck in a world where people and events are viewed in simplistic terms of extremes. Even people who are complex thinkers regress to pigeonholing when they are stressed or overwhelmed by emotions. Unless patterns of fear are counter balanced, they will prevent people from moving beyond this “primitive thinking” to more nuanced and sophisticated thinking.
As a result of viewing the world as black and white, people suffer unnecessary disappointment that can lead to exasperation and depression. For instance, fantasizing about a perfect world with a perfect mate can lead to shattered expectations, and the opposite idea that there aren’t ANY decent men or women at all.
Here are some ways to avoid the pitfalls and heartbreaks of black-and-white thinking:
1. Have realistic expectations: Even though optimism is generally a nice trait, tone down feelings of overblown optimism and expectations about specific people or situations.
2. Sometimes, somewhat: Use words such as “always” and “never” sparingly.
3. Enjoy the complexity: Beware of considering yourself and others as “the best” or “the worst.” The world of absolutes is unrealistic and dull. Find the complexity in any situation or in a person and you may find what’s interesting—and truly beautiful.
4. Look for balance: Look for balance rather than perfection by accepting that humans make mistakes.
5. Be open to mystery: A curious, intelligent, and open mind embraces the known and unknown, the mystery, and the possibility of imagination.
It is not the result of scientific research that ennobles humans and enriches their lives, but the struggle to understand while performing creative and open-minded intellectual work.
~Einstein
by Alison Poulsen, PhD