Talking about your ex in a disparaging way is tedious and draining to others and reflects poorly on you as a person. Nobody will be impressed that your last boyfriend or ex-wife sent abusive emails or stalked you. They will merely wonder whether you are a victim or a bad judge of character.
If asked about your past relationships, rather than starting on a diatribe of complaints, you could simply say, “We went our separate ways,” or “We grew apart.”
Grow up, don’t put down
Better yet, find a way to view your difficult relationships of the past with perspective and find a silver lining. After all, you were together for a reason and probably got something out of the relationship.
It is often through the very gridlock and troubles in a relationship that we learn who we are and what our boundaries are.
We all live and learn from experience, especially from painful episodes that cause us to grow.
There may be times when you do want to talk about a painful relationship with a close friend in order to gain insight about yourself or the relationship or to share what you have learned. Yet self-reflective conversations are very different from complaining about and belittling others. Remember to stick to the former, where your intent is to understand, grow, gain peace, and become more whole.
by Dr. Alison Poulsen Twitter: @alisonpoulsen https://www.facebook.com/dralisonpoulsen
Abuse results from inner fear, anger, and pain. Being abusive towards others gives someone who feels powerless, helpless, and scared the feeling of power, which feels better to the abuser than being in pain and powerless.
Obviously, being spiteful and mean to others hurts others, and is not ultimately beneficial or fulfilling to the abuser either. It is like being a heroin addict. Blaming and criticizing others feels good temporarily to the abuser, but leaves him or her emptier, and needing to increase the dosage to feel anything.
Engaging the abuser
Many couples will have occasional fights and will say something mean to one another. But they don’t feel good about themselves and they usually apologize with sincerity. This is not abuse.
Someone who is abusive tries to hurt the other person and does not take responsibility for his or her hurtful words or actions. Unfortunately, you cannot convince someone who does not take personal responsibility of your innocence no matter how you defend yourself. The abusive person is living in a world where he or she is the victim and you are the perpetrator.
Engaging someone’s abuse by getting into email wars, defending every point and attacking back, does not serve anyone. In fact it feeds the abuser’s craving to manipulate your emotions. This puts you in a power struggle with someone whose goal is to win power struggles not to have a loving relationship. Arguing with a bully leads to a vicious cycle of increasingly hostile attacks and ineffective attempts to defend oneself.
Compassion for abusers
You can have compassion for the suffering of those who are abusive by understanding that their actions result from their pain. Often they were abused themselves. However, compassion does not mean that you stop protecting yourself or that you should cater to people who can cause you harm. It does not help the abuser and it definitely does not enhance your well-being to engage in arguments in a futile attempt to vindicate yourself in the abuser’s eyes.
Friendship and harmony
You may want friendship or at least harmony with your ex. But it takes two people to have a friendship. You cannot be friends with someone who wants to make you feel bad. The only way to have a harmonious relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive is to pander to the abuser. However, this will lead to your own inner turmoil and cause you to repress your inner strength, desires, and life force. Thus, true harmony is probably only achievable through distance.
Focus instead on the positive people in your life who care about your well-being and who would not be abusive toward you. You may want to foster new relationships with individuals who want the people in their lives to be happy and not to feel guilty or miserable.
"Mountain Madness Extreme" Squaw Valley by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
By telling others that your ex was a psycho, you’ve just told them a few of the following things about yourself:
1. You have poor judgment in making important decisions.
2. You make those closest to you so angry they seem crazy.
3. You are a black and white thinker, and don’t understand the complexity of relationships.
4. You don’t take responsibility for your role in the relationship.
5. You say bad things about those who were once closest to you.
Most ex-wives and husbands who are called “psychos” are simply regular people who are hurt, angry, and temporarily out of control. Most people have been there to some degree!
There are occasional circumstances in which someone marries a true psychopath without knowing it. These cases are rare and you probably won’t find their partners saying, “My ex was a psycho” in a judgmental manner. Their experience was just too painful to make light of the situation.
You would be more honest, thoughtful, and accountable if you said something like, “We had our differences, and let our frustrations get the better of us. I think we are both better off now and have learned something from the relationship.”
Sounds too level-headed? Then add, “I drove my ex crazy with my moodiness/indifference/selfishness.”
"Reverberation" by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire
People often remain stuck in a state of anger when they can’t get past the wrong that’s been done, real or perceived. Some painful pattern in the past keeps them captively reviewing the events like a broken record. They yearn for justice but can’t get relief, because they do not deal with the real hurt underlying the situation. Focusing on the ex is a way to avoid the real challenge of looking within.
As a friend, it’s not healthy to pile on with negative judgments about the culprit involved. The best thing a friend can do is to point out the harmful pattern that you’re concerned about. Listen for what’s behind the obsessive anger—usually an underlying vulnerability or fear.
People fixated on their exes often fear that they are somehow inadequate or unlovable. For instance, being married without feeling appreciated can leave a person feeling undeserving of recognition. Only when a person starts resolving his or her own hidden vulnerability is there a chance of communicating effectively about what really matters. That’s when the process of healing and growth can begin.
As a friend, depending on the underlying issue, you might compassionately say something like, “It seems that you were not appreciated very much. Maybe you’ve had a pattern of hoping to get appreciation from people who don’t give it.” Ask how they think they can best deal with the underlying need, without repeatedly going over how they’ve been hurt. Ask how they might best focus on recognizing and appreciating their own self-worth.
