Tag Archives: emotionally volatile

The type of person to avoid falling with

Posted on by
Reply
"Volcano" by Mimi Stuart

“Height of Ecstacy” Mount Everest by Mimi Stuart

“Alison,
I met a spectacular woman a few months ago. But then began her impulsivity, changeable moods and rage outbursts against me. She seems highly functioning but doesn’t have self-control. Why am I attracted to people who are like that?”

The excitement of impulsivity

Impulsive people respond to their feelings without giving them much thought. They often express and respond to their emotions fervently and without fear of consequences. They tend to lack a filter or inner critic, which can result in their being exuberant, spontaneous as well as hotheaded.

Spontaneity and exuberance can be exciting and appealing. When two people are first attracted to each other, there are a lot of positive emotions, and someone who expresses desire and excitement impetuously can be quite seductive and exhilarating to be with.

The fantasy in new relationships

When two people first become captivated with one another whether as friends or potential lovers, there is always a bit of projection going on. They don’t really know each other, so they fill in the blanks by projecting their hopes and fantasies onto the other person.

Yet no one can really fulfill the expectations of another person. Eventually, reality sets in and that reality will conflict with some of the fantasies each has had about the other. When they find out that their expectations are inaccurate, they may be disappointed and even blame the other person for failing to fulfill their fantasy. Disappointment and blame can trigger negative projections, furthering negative emotions and behavior in both people.

People who lack impulse control tend to follow their emotions, while ignoring reason based on experience. They allow themselves to get carried away by their projections when they are infatuated with someone. They also experience disappointment in an exaggerated way without tempering their negative emotions with rational thought and restraint. When they express their negative emotions without a filter, they may become volatile, hostile and explosive.

How to avoid getting hurt by volatile people

Develop your own self-control to avoid falling for someone too quickly. The word “falling” is appropriate here. It implies letting go of reason and caution while giving up any grounding in reality. This “letting go” or “falling” into your fantasy feels thrilling and intoxicating, but when you finally hit the ground, it can hurt.

So it helps to take your time before getting deeply involved with someone you’re attracted to. Take your time to get to know their true nature, qualities and character. By avoiding becoming emotionally enmeshed too quickly, i.e., by calling or seeing them everyday, you can retain some objectivity.

While it’s fine to enjoy people who are impulsive and exciting, know that such qualities can lead to moodiness, controlling behavior, dependency, manipulation, volatility and rage. Thus, make sure you remain independent and grounded on your own terms when engaging with impulsive people. Also try to avoid being controlling, possessive, overly impulsive, dependent, or manipulative yourself. None of these qualities bode well in the pursuit of a long-term relationship.

You can still enjoy the excitement of being captivated by or infatuated with a new person. But keep your eyes open and your reason intact to be able to stay connected to reality.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Dealing with conflict and volatility: “You’re being irrational!”

Posted on by
6
"Question"—Einstein by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Question”—Einstein by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

Be a skilled listener

“Talk to me” is the motto for the New York City hostage negotiations team. When dealing with extremely dangerous, volatile, and emotionally-laden situations, the most effective skill is active listening. The best negotiators interrupt less and listen more. They ask questions, generally simple ones. The same can be said for negotiating differences of opinion in any relationship.

There is a universal desire to be heard and understood. Often people become angry and irrational because they can find no other way to be heard. When people shout, repeat themselves, withdraw, or attack, you can surmise that they feel and resent not being heard.

Hold off responding to their actions or behavior. Don’t argue. First you need to really listen and understand their underlying interests.

Skilled listening will satisfy their desire to be heard, build trust and connection, and buy time in a difficult situation. Skilled listening is more likely to win the other person’s consideration toward you and is one of the best ways to find out the other person’s interests so you can find creative solutions.

Ask simple questions

Rather than arguing, ask questions to uncover the other person’s underlying desires and needs. Often the most powerful question is the simplest question, and may even feel like an obvious one. Rather than objecting, arguing and responding, just truly listen in order to understand the other person’s perspective.

Minimal prompts are best, “Hmmm.” “Go on.” “I see.” But it’s critical that body language conveys that you are interested in what they have to say. Demonstrate curiosity and understanding, not skepticism or contempt. For example, lean forward, look at the person, and demonstrate a relaxed interested demeanor.

Check your understanding

Every now and then repeat back and paraphrase what the other person says to make sure you’re getting that perspective right. Mirroring the other person should be neither a linguistic trick nor compliance, but a true effort to reflect back the other person’s perspective.

Many high stakes professions involve active listening and mirroring. Think of pilots talking to the control tower and how each repeats what the other has said. Think of doctors and assistants during surgery, as well as lawyers and court reporters in court proceedings.

Showing that you understand and that you are addressing a person’s interests calms everyone down and makes problem solving possible. Mirroring the other person also builds rapport. The goal is to get the other person to say “Exactly!” when you paraphrase him or her.

Start with broad open-ended questions that don’t have a yes or no answer.

1. “Talk to me.”

2. “Would you explain to me your situation.”

3. “I would like to understand what your perspective is on the matter.”

4. “Tell me about your needs and desires and what you’re hoping for.”

Insights emerge from what the other person says and doesn’t say.

Then ask narrower questions, such as,

“You say you want to have more time together. Can you say more about that.”

Eventually you can ask more specific yes or no questions.

“Would you feel happy if we could a weekly date night and Saturday afternoons together?”

While hostage negotiations are much more explosive than typical day-to-day negotiations or relationship conflicts, the same principles hold. Research shows that the most successful sales people talk less and let the buyer talk more. Happy couples spend more time trying to understand and support their partner than trying to drive home their point and get their way. So, to become happier and more successful in your relationships, move away from the football metaphor of offense and defense to that of a scientist and focus on curiosity and understanding.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Reference: Professor Seth Freeman’s “The Art of Negotiating the Best Deal.” Thanks to Professor Freeman and his excellent Audio course from The Great Courses.

Read “Conversation and Active Listening: ‘It seems like I do all the talking.’”

Read “Didn’t you hear what I just said!”

Watch “Dealing with Angry People.”

“I become emotionally volatile when I get close to someone. How can I develop a stronger sense of self?”

Posted on by
Reply

"Lady Liberty" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Lady Liberty” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Maintain perspective.

People who become volatile in close relationships often do so as a result of taking other people’s behavior too personally. Other people’s words and actions generally reflect their own psychological state, including their personal perspective, fears, desires, and insecurities. When you realize that their actions are generally a reflection of themselves more than their attitude toward you, it will be easier for you to retain your emotional control.

Suppose that your new girlfriend is upset because she couldn’t get in touch with you. Before going on the defensive, you may want to find out what is motivating her strong reaction. She may have been lied to and cheated on by a previous boyfriend. Knowing this should cause you to see that she is not accusing you, but responding out of fear from a past experience. So give her the benefit of the doubt.

Listen first.

When people don’t feel listened to, they tend to get more adamant and angry, and try even harder to make sure their point gets across.

There are two benefits to listening to the other person fully before reacting. First, you’ll find out what’s really motivating the other person and you’ll avoid jumping to conclusions. Second, the angry person will let off steam, and be able to listen to you once the bottled-up emotions have been vented. Sometimes, simply listening is enough to diffuse and change the whole situation.

Once you have listened, paraphrase what you’ve heard so the other person knows that he or she has been heard and understood.

Stay calm.

Avoid attacking the other person when you explain the situation from your point of view. You will be much more effective for two reasons. First, the other person is more likely to listen to you if you are not angry, condescending or passive-aggressive. Second, you won’t seem defensive. Defensiveness telegraphs to others that you lack self-control or feel guilty. In essence, emotional volatility broadcasts to others that you are too weak to stay in control of yourself.

Once you see how much more effective you are when you stay calm, you’ll find that it will become easier to resist the impulse to be emotionally triggered. Keep in mind that you will feel more self-empowered and appear more confident to others when you stay centered. As a result, others will take you more seriously and respect you more.

Practice!

Psycho-drama is the most effective way to prepare for those situations that trigger you. Think up situations that have triggered you in the past or that are likely to trigger you in the future. Figure out how you would be most effective responding in such situations. Then practice your response—your choice of words, body language, and tone of voice—until it becomes natural without a hint of sneering or whining. You can practice with a friend or in front of the mirror. It helps to have a friend give you feed back and help you eliminate the meekness in your voice or contempt in your demeanor so that you will become powerful and effective.

Calmness is the cradle of power.

~Josiah Gilbert Holland

by Dr. Alison Poulsen