Tag Archives: effective communication

“How can you be so naïve! Don’t get mad at me when I’m just pointing out how he takes advantage of you!”

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"Syncopation" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Syncopation” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

John Gottman’s research shows that the first three minutes of a discussion determines the tone and direction of the remainder of the discussion in 96% of cases. Criticisms, such as “You’re so naïve,” or “Why are you so selfish?” do the most harm at the beginning of a discussion. So be careful how you start a conversation.

Gottman found that happy couples express near zero contempt toward their partner even in times of conflict. They usually discuss their problems in a neutral way. Moreover, when they do experience conflict, they have fewer emotional exchanges during the conflict than unhappy couples.

Thus, it is critical to avoid expressing negative emotions during a conflict or an argument. This includes thinly-veiled contempt or an air of superiority.

The following behaviors are very predictive of a doomed relationship:

1. escalation of conflict

2. negative interpretation of comments

3. invalidation of the partner

4. withdrawal from the partner

How to approach your partner to talk about a problem

It’s best to startup the conversation in a positive way, particularly if you’re dealing with someone who tends to become defensive.

1. Be positive. “Honey, I love you and care about you very much. I’d like to talk to you about a concern I have. Is this a good time?”

2. Neutrally and briefly mention the facts, your feelings and your wishes without being critical, superior, or controlling. “In the past, I’ve seen your friend not follow through on his end of the deal. I appreciate that you want to see the best in people. Yet it makes me sad and frustrated to see you disappointed and aggravated when he disappoints you. I don’t want to tell you what to do. I am just reminding you that he has taken advantage of you in the past, and I hope that you can avoid letting a similar situation happen again.”

3. Stop and listen carefully to the other person’s response without jumping in to clarify or defend yourself.

4. When the person’s finished, try to be understanding. Repeat his concerns back to him so he knows you are listening. End the conversation with humor and/or appreciation. “Thanks for listening to my concern.”

5. If the time comes when your partner complains about being used, simply use humor or compassion, and say, “Yep, that’s too bad,” without being drawn into any drama.

6. If he continues to complain, say “I know. It’s disappointing. But let’s focus on something we can change. Hopefully you will not trust him in the future. ”

Finally, it’s important to avoid trying to control another person. You can give a warning to him and protect yourself as best you can. But remember that if you allow differences in personality to lead to an escalatiion in conflict, the resulting negativity is likely to become more damaging than the issue you are arguing about.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Reference: John Gottman’s “The Science of Trust.”

Read “I end up arguing with him because he’s usually too busy working to talk.”

Watch “How to Respond to Rudeness: ‘I TOLD you to get it for me!!!’”

Read “Dealing with conflict and volatility: ‘You’re being irrational!’”

Equality in a relationship: “Why don’t you do what I tell you to do? I’m the man in this relationship.”

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"The Kiss" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“The Kiss” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Before you wish your partner would simply obey your wishes, think about how a domineering/submissive dynamic would impact the long-term health of your relationship. A relationship based on unequal power and obedience will not grow and cannot sustain passion. Domination and compliance are quick ways to deal a blow to the respect required for a long-term passionate relationship.

Respect and love are at the heart of any meaningful or enjoyable relationship. In fact research shows that men and women who are able to listen to their partners in a respectful way are more likely to sustain a successful relationship.* A sense of power sharing is critical to a mutually respectful relationship that is capable of sustaining long-term harmony.

Equality does not mean giving in, giving up, or taking turns in your decision making. It means really listening with an open mind and generous heart.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

*Reference: Richard Wiseman, “59 Seconds: Think a little, Change a lot.”

Read “Creating a better relationship: ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about!’”

Read “Conversation and Active Listening: ‘It seems like I do all the talking.’”

Changing Relationship Dynamics:
“It’s too late to start telling my boyfriend to let me know when he’s coming home late because our communication patterns have already been established.”

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"Journey" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

It’s never too late to tell a person what your needs are within the context of a meaningful relationship. These kinds of changes are important for the growth of both partners and the relationship itself.

The most effective way to make changes is to make specific positive requests rather than to make demands or silently hope for what you want.

Specific positive requests:

1. Avoid criticism: The most effective requests have no hint of criticism in them. Instead of “You never call!” you could say, “I would appreciate it…”

2. Invite empathy without being a victim: Effective requests invite the other person to see it from your point of view. “I get worried when you don’t call and I end up not making my own plans.”

3. Make a request not a demand: This allows the other person to decline. “You better call me!” is controlling and degrading, while “I’d appreciate it if you’d call,” enhances mutual respect.

4. Be specific: Rather than generalities such as, “Be considerate!” or “Respect me!” make specific requests, such as “If you call or text me by 5PM, that would be great.”

“It would make me happy if you would call before 5 when you’re going to come home late so that I won’t get worried and put my own plans on hold.”

Understand Motivation, Change Expectations

If he keeps forgetting, then see if you can figure out an alternative, such as texting him, “I haven’t heard from you and I am assuming you’ll be late and am thinking of making other plans for the evening. Let me know.”

If there is no effective alternative, then it’s time to change your expectations. How you do this depends on what you’re willing to live with. This person may be so engrossed in work that it’s difficult to break away to make that phone call. Or perhaps he or she is irresponsible, or simply expects you to be waiting for him or her despite any efforts made on his part.

Change your Actions

If you decide to stay with him despite this flaw (everyone has some flaws,) you might structure your own life differently so that you won’t feel that you are constantly in limbo. You may decide to make your own plans and go out or meet with others rather than stay up and wait. You will feel less resentment, and he will wonder where you are, or at least miss you until you come home. That may just change his behavior.

It also creates a bit of a consequence when he doesn’t call. Note that a natural consequence is very different from punishment motivated by spite.

Avoid being a doormat — it is not manipulation.

You might view making other plans when he doesn’t call as a game, but it is not. It is a way to avoid falling into a doormat relationship dynamic, which gets worse with waiting, yearning, and pleading, but improves when you move forward with your own life, friends, and interests. If you don’t want to be treated like a doormat, don’t act like one. As a consequence your partner might pay attention and, if not, your life will improve anyway.

If you feel this is too manipulative, there’s no reason not to be completely honest about your intentions. You could simply explain that you worry and resent him when you wait for him to come home and don’t get a call. It’s easier for you to go out and stop waiting.

There’s no need to become angry or barn sour, like a horse who wants to stay in the barn to brood. It’s always good to start with discussions, but follow through with actions. If you are still deeply disappointed, you can make further changes in your expectations and life. It’s your life to live.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Watch “How to avoid becoming a Doormat.”

Read “Improving Relationships.”

Conversation and Active Listening:
“It seems like I do all the talking.”

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"Freeform Jazz" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

We think effective communication has to do with talking, although it has much more to do with listening. Yet, it is surprising how rare and difficult it is to actively listen.

We think we are listening when we are really just waiting for the other person to take a breath so we can interject our response, analogy, defense, or anticipate what’s going to be said by filling in the blanks. Planning our own responses and anticipating when to jump in is not active listening.

People assume that the person talking has all the power. But it is really the person who listens who gains power through understanding what is actually being said.

The power and enjoyment that come from good conversation and a meeting of the minds involve listening attentively, similar to how jazz musicians have to really listen to each other to play great music together.

Active Listening Do’s

1. Be mindful, that is, be present, aware, and engaged;
2. Manage your emotions by exercising patience rather than being reactive and anticipating what will be said;
3. Have an open attitude as opposed to having a set opinion and set expectations; and
4. Consider the context of the speaker’s words as influenced by his or her own background and experience, so you don’t quibble over the idiosyncratic use of words.

Active Listening Don’ts

1. Do not interrupt and debate the speaker.
2. Do not tell the speaker what he or she should be thinking or feeling. That is simply a way of imposing your judgment on others.
3. Do not use his or her story as a take-off point for your own story.
4. Do not give advice unless and only when you are asked for it.

Enhancing Relationships

You can see that active listening takes effort and your full attention. The payoff is worth it, however. The benefit is that you can simultaneously enhance relationships AND increase understanding or solve problems.

Active listening is a pre-condition for empathy and equality — keys to enhancing a relationship. It requires focusing on the other person instead of yourself. When someone sees that you are really paying attention, he or she tends to feel more alive and become more animated in the conversation.

Encouraging Openness

People feel more comfortable and open with a relaxed and attentive listener, rather than someone who is impatient, agitated, or highly controlled. Making positive encouraging eye contact without being distracted encourages the speaker to open up.

If appropriate you can repeat what you heard the speaker say and ask them whether you have understood them correctly. “It sounds like you’re discouraged about such and such. Is that right?”

Giving reflective feedback rather than advice can be very helpful because both parties become clearer about a situation, which is key in having a good conversation or a meeting of the minds.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Compassion in Relationships.”

Read “Giving Advice: ‘She never listens to me.’”

Reference: “Effective Communication Skills” by Professor Dalton Kehoe from The Great Courses.

Overgeneralization:
“You never show appreciation.”

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"Precision" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Seeing patterns and generalizing from them is a crucial human skill. Scientists, business owners, and most capable people develop the ability to spot patterns in human behavior.

Yet, sometimes we make sweeping generalizations that exaggerate or oversimplify reality. Taking one unfortunate incident and jumping to conclusions can create problems.

Even if someone does tend to repeat certain types of behavior, it is not helpful to make overgeneralizations. People get defensive when you say, “You never show appreciation.” “You spend all your time with your friends instead of with me.” “You always interrupt me.”

It’s more effective to be specific and talk about one incident at a time. Limit yourself to specific facts, and focus on a desired solutions.

For instance, if you seek appreciation, you can ask, “Isn’t this dinner I cooked delicious?”

Instead of complaining about someone’s frequent absence, you could suggest, “I’d like to spend some time with you. When can we get together?”

To get someone to stop interrupting, you could say, “Please let me finish” each time you’re interrupted.

Specific positive requests are more likely to get you what you want than gross generalizations.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Black-and-white thinking. ‘I used to think she was fantastic. But it was all a façade. She’s really horrible.'”