“Concentration—Jack Nicklaus” © by Mimi Stuart
In ten minutes, you can organize one drawer, go through one box of stuff you’ve been storing, make one difficult phone call or walk around the block.
Disarray muddles the mind. Your untidiness may be
• Physical — in a jumble of boxes in the garage,
• Mental — in pressures that need to be dealt with, or
• Emotional — dreaded obligations that need to be addressed.
“Orchestra Assemblage” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
When facing a family visit, people often have ambivalent feelings, wanting to make everyone happy, yet dreading the work and potential personal conflicts that loom ahead.
Expectations
You may feel obligated to put everyone up at your house or prepare the meals because you think that’s what is expected of you. While giving to others can be deeply fulfilling, it’s best to give at a level where you can do so wholeheartedly and lovingly rather than resentfully. You don’t want to slip into martyrdom.
Instead of succumbing to what you think is expected, decide what you are willing to do and state so up front.
If, for example, you are happy to prepare one meal or one dish, graciously invite everyone for that meal or to a potluck. “I’m inviting you for dinner on Friday night. On Saturday, we can go out,” or “You’re on your own.” “You can pick up your favorite breakfast groceries at the store down the street.”
People like to know what is expected in the way of itinerary, sleeping arrangements, kids’ rules, differing holiday traditions, and dogs. If you clarify expectations and don’t promise too much, you can be giving without becoming exasperated and resentful. When you communicate clearly ahead of time, people are less likely to be disappointed because they understand the game plan and your expectations.
Saying “No.”
If your relatives or friends tend to ignore your requests, hints, and desires, or are generally unpleasant, then there’s no need to accommodate them with meals or housing, unless you are willing and able to live up to Mother Theresa’s philosophy: “People are generally irrational, unreasonable and selfish. Love them anyway.”
You can say “no” while still communicating warm-heartedly. For example, “That’s not a good weekend for us to have visitors. We would love to see you though if you come into town. Call us and we’ll meet for coffee/a drink/lunch.”
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “Dreading intrusive questions at family gatherings: “It’s none of your business!”
“Tournament of Champions, Kapalua” Steve Stricker
by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire
“No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking.”
~Voltaire
Once in while you will luck out and a problem will resolve itself on its own. Usually, however, running from a problem causes it to mutiply into a large number of troubles.
Why run from problems?
Why do people dread handling problems? They may want to avoid disappointing others; they may shudder at the idea of changing their lives; they may recoil from admitting that past choices have not turned out as expected. Ultimately, it is anxiety and fear that prevent us from confronting our problems.
Tension intensifies
It is not easy to face problems head on. Yet, the longer we wait, the greater the anxiety and fear of confronting the problem becomes. It is astonishing how the angst of avoiding difficulties will intensify with inaction, becoming worse than the original anxiety itself.
How we confront difficulties defines us
Heartache, hurt, and hurdles are part of life. No one handles all challenges with ease and grace. Yet, it is our struggle with those very challenges that chisels our character. In grappling with dilemmas, we discover what is meaningful to us. Through difficult discussions and decisions, we fashion our own identity.
Facing our problem does not equal making snap decisions
Facing problems does not always require rushing to action or making quick decisions. Some dilemmas need time to resolve appropriately. There is a key difference between black-and-white problem solving—either making a snap decision or avoiding the problem—and making a wise decision. When we avoid black-and-white thinking, we learn to view the world in its many shades and colors. Sometimes we need to take time to consider the various complexities of a particular circumstance to figure out what to do.
When we face problems with seriousness, openness and courage, we are no longer a slave to the dread that debilitates us. By acknowledging the past but not dwelling on it, we become capable of changing ourselves and our lives. By facing difficulties, we open up the realm of new possibilities. By completing unfinished business, accepting and forgiving ourselves and others, we experience great relief and freedom to move on.
“No man is free who is not master of himself.”
~Epictetus
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Into a Dry Martini" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
If your partner or friend who’s been drinking too much insists on driving with you on board, notice your reaction: Do you hesitate because you’re afraid of upsetting the other person and therefore you’d rather comply?
When we’re not aware of the psychological forces that motivate us, they can wreak havoc in our lives. This is a situation where the desire to comply in order to get along can endanger your life.
Accommodating others is reasonable as long as we are not risking harm or motivated to do so by the dread of the anxiety associated with non-compliance. But when acquiescing to pressure compromises your own safety and well-being, it is not worth temporarily appeasing an out-of-control or inebriated person. It does not show respect for oneself or others.
So it’s important to develop the ability to withstand the anxiety of standing up against forceful demands. When an intoxicated person pressures you with “I’m fine; just get in the car,” you don’t need to convince him or her of anything. Walking away and being safe is what’s important.
If the person is really drunk and could endanger others on the road, it takes additional courage to take the keys or call the police. You may save not only someone else’s life, but the drunk driver’s life as well. It’s better for the intoxicated person to go to jail and experience embarrassment than to live with the consequences of having injured or killed someone.
by Alison Poulsen, PhD