Pursuers crave connection, assuming that it will satisfy their inner hunger to be seen or loved, but it seldom does. They’re often attracted to emotionally-independent or closed types, which makes it less likely that their need for connection will be met.
Sometimes their pursuit of connection is tainted with an unconscious expectation that they will be disappointed or rejected. This expectation causes them to come across as needy or insecure. Continue reading →
The best way to approach your boyfriend as a Distancer so that he recognizes the beauty of the connection is to enjoy your time together without overwhelming or pressuring him for even greater connection. A Distancer prefers to keep physical or emotional distance because unconsciously he fears that he will be manipulated or obligated to give up his autonomy.
Distancers dislike setting boundaries
Strangely enough, Distancers are typically uncomfortable setting boundaries in a clear but compassionate way with people they feel close to. One way this inability to set boundaries develops is that the Distancer’s parent punished him or her with anger or cold withdrawal when the child did not want to accommodate and go along with the parent. Setting boundaries, therefore, became dangerous for the Distancer because of the risk of incurring a hostile reaction from someone he or she depended on for survival. Thus, the Distancer learned to protect him- or herself by staying emotionally distant and no longer needing to set boundaries in an intimate or personal situation.
Avoid pressure and manipulation
Thus, Distancers are particularly uncomfortable with people who are prone to want something from them, for example, people who are needy, controlling, or manipulative. Thus, it is important to avoid manipulating or pressuring your boyfriend into doing things he may not want to do, such as spending more time with you or opening up and talking more. So when he says or hints that he prefers to stay home instead of being with you, respond with easy kindness and without causing him to feel manipulated or guilty, “Too bad. I’ll miss you. Have a great evening.” Tone of voice is key—it should render no feelings of guilt. Over time, he may feel that it is not as threatening to resist accommodating you as it was for him as a child.
If the Distancer opens up and expresses emotion or something personal, be careful not to criticize or analyze him and don’t grill him for more information. It’s better to just listen, and then say something like, “I appreciate you’re telling me that.” Or “Is there anything I can do to help?” And then allow the subject to be changed if he starts to feel uncomfortable.
In these ways, the Distancer will learn over time that the earlier hazards of intrusion and control no longer threaten him. As a result, he will probably open up a bit more (especially if he is younger.) But don’t expect a big change. He will likely remain somewhat on his guard. Focus on yourself
Part of the beauty of a relationship is learning from the person you are drawn to. Focus on why you are attracted to a Distancer and in what ways you could learn to become more like him. He probably has fine qualities typical of a Distancer, such as having discretion and being autonomous, that might benefit you. Learn to resist the desire for more connection, and simply appreciate the connection you do have as well as the time you spend apart or with others.
If he is significantly closed off and spends inordinate time alone, you can talk to him about your needs. Try to be specific, and make sure you do not manipulate him as that is sure to backfire. Ask him how he sees the ideal balance of separateness and togetherness in your relationship. If his desire for connection is very different from yours, be prepared for disappointment and perhaps for moving on from this relationship, because people only change when they themselves are motivated to do so.
People who need attention or validation in order to feel secure must step back and learn to cope with that longing without acting on it. Otherwise they create a vicious cycle that will ultimately backfire. The more desperate and insecure you become, the less likely you are to be validated by others or to get the attention you crave.
Even if you do receive validation in this situation, it’s likely to be out of a sense of pity or guilt rather than freely given.
Thus, for your own well-being, you need to resist the urge to pursue validation from your girlfriend. Avoid the use of manipulation, guilt, pleading and covert reciprocal bargains, such as the unstated, “I’ll flatter you if you flatter me.” Texting
People differ in how effusive they are in emails, texts, and on the phone. There is no correct way to be. Accept your girlfriend for who she is, and give her positive feedback when she is more affectionate or attentive in her texts to you.
When dealing with feelings of anxiety and desperation, remind yourself to resist acting on those feelings in order to avoid pushing her away. Do something interesting
Instead of getting angry at her or sending a needy text, find other things to do during those moments of anxiety that will make you a more whole and interesting person. Once you focus on another engaging activity you will feel less anxiety. Moreover, you will become more interesting and desirable to her and others around you.
Decide what activities you will do when you feel lonely or insecure–read a book, learn a language, go for a run or a walk, play the guitar, write poetry, watch Ted Talks, or the like. Find a few interesting things to do and then develop the willpower and self-discipline to do them, instead of letting your anxiety and anger get the better of you.
It may be hard at first, and then it will become easier because you will enjoy doing your own thing. The result will be a more interesting, confident, and well-rounded person, who will be more desirable to be with. The bonus will be increased interest and attention from your girlfriend.
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To sustain a passionate, fulfilling relationship, a couple has to balance two primary drives — togethernesss and separateness. Often however individuals often end up polarizing into the Pursuer and the Distancer.
When pursuers pursue connection they tend to push the distancer away. Pursuers feel rejected when their partner needs space and they’ll often try to get any emotional reaction just to make some sort of connection. The distancer may finally respond with anger or with resentful accommodation. But neither is very satisfying for the couple.
Pursuers tend to come across as needy. Distancers feel smothered by the pursuer’s craving for more connection and often lose desire for the pursuer. Pursuers need to reduce the burden they are putting on to their partner to satisfy their needs. Instead of attacking and overwhelming your partner, start by appreciating your partner and appeal to him or her by expressing desires in a positive way.
Complaining, generalizing, and attacking put others on the defensive and does not make you desirable to be with. You want your partner to want to be with you not to feel obligated to be with you. Entice your partner with one specific positive request at a time. If there’s an entrenched problem, discuss it in a self-empowered and compassionate way, by expressing your needs and values, without complaining and attacking.
If your partner is always busy or doesn’t take you seriously, set an appointment to talk. Keep your conversation concise rather than long and draining.
Pursuers often look for others to satisfy their deepest needs to be heard, to feel validated and accepted, and to avoid feeling alone. Yet no one can truly fill that emptiness. Psychological duress only leads to coerced togetherness not passionate togetherness. Avoid being the victim and using guilt to manipulate someone to spend time with you.
Distancers have all the power in the relationship. Pursuers need to take back that power, not over the other person, not even over the relationship, but over their own lives, by becoming accountable for their own fulfillment rather than making their partner responsible.
Love means having the self-discipline to respect other people’s wishes and needs despite your own desires. Appreciate the other person’s autonomy. Give the other person the space and time apart necessary to desire being with you. Also enjoy your time without your partner. It makes you a more interesting and desirable person to be with.
In summary, allow there to be some space and even mystery between you and your partner. Be responsible for your own fulfillment. If you develop your ability to be independent and to accept yourself, you won’t need to coerce validation and support from someone else.
Strive for love out of fullness rather than out of need and emptiness. Fullness comes from leading a more full, balanced life with ongoing growth, as well as self-validation and self-acceptance. Give yourself and your partner the gift of having the space to desire you.
“I met a man online and he was the pursuer. Now I’m pursuing him and he’s distancing. Near the beginning I asked him to meet…. We did not meet. We recently talked of love and dating exclusively. He went silent and I texted him constantly for four days. He asked me to stop texting him. I texted him because my feelings wouldn’t stop. He said I was scaring him. Should I now just not send anything? Can I still send random stuff? I also feel weird dating other people when my inner emotions are on him.”
Online dating
I am receiving more and more questions regarding online dating and relationships involving two people who have never physically met. Online interaction seems to satisfy a need for many people who have limited opportunities to connect with other people.
Yet to “date” or fall in love with the mere words of someone you’ve never met is paramount to dating or falling in love with an avatar whom you have created in your own mind. When people limit their relationships to the internet and other keyboard interfaces, they may be giving in to their fears of face-to-face interaction and end up drastically limiting their relationship potential.
Intimacy requires knowing a person
Intimacy requires knowing a person and letting someone get to know you. For those who are physically and emotionally capable, I recommend multidimensional relationships that involve all the senses—including sight, smell, touch, and sound, as well as intuition. True communication involves a person’s tone of voice, body language, touch, smell, and energetic connection. Only by interacting with all our senses can two individuals get to know each other fully.
Online interfacing limits how deeply you get to know a person. We learn far more about a person by being in his or her physical presence than we do from any amount of texting or online communication. Unless you know a person well, his or her texted words are nothing but words that may be true, false, borrowed, or even sent to a multitude of people.
Beware of instant gratification
The only reason for continuing such a uni-dimensional and barren relationship is to be able to get that endorphin rush of receiving validation through a text that conveys a compliment, interest, or some other feeling of connection. However, if you want long-term fulfillment, you have to resist instant gratification. It is wasting your time and will getting you nowhere.
Addressing your question above, here are some thoughts as to how to behave differently in future online relationships.
“Near the beginning I asked him to meet…. We did not meet.”
First – End your hopes for this “relationship.” He clearly has no interest.
If someone keeps refusing to meet you, assume that he is unavailable. You really don’t know who he is. He may be texting with 15 different women and simply be addicted to the safe anonymity he gets with his handheld device and his own small world. Don’t waste any more of your time.
There are several reputable online dating services that provide specific and safe protocols that lead to meeting a person early on.
“He went silent and I texted him constantly for four days.”
Never text someone constantly. Don’t even send 2, 3, 4 texts in a row without a response, unless you are texting practical information. The more you pursue, the more the other will retreat.
“I texted him because my feelings wouldn’t stop.”
One of the difficult but important things in life is to pay attention to your feelings, but do not be driven by them. Take them into account, but also use objective reason about human behavior in deciding how to interact with others.
