Have you ever tried to get someone to change who they are? Maybe your partner or a parent or child?
Sometimes we cling to unrealistic hopes and fantasies. The reality is nobody has all the qualities you want, and people don’t change very much.
Ultimately, you only have control over yourself! Facing reality often means changing your expectations, your situation, or your relationship status. Continue reading
"Tranquility" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
Physical health and balance
First make sure that your lifestyle is healthy. Lack of sleep, too much sugar, alcohol, drugs or medications, lack of exercise, as well as physical disorders can cause stress hormones to get out of control. Revitalizing your physical health strengthens your ability to handle stressful situations.
Expectations, thoughts, and worries
Much of our stress and anxiety results from dwelling too much on our expectations—negative and positive. We live in fear of our negative expectations coming true.
“He’s going to be angry.”
“I won’t be able to pay the rent.”
“I’m never good enough.”
We feel let down when our positive expectations are not met.
“If I were thinner, he would love me.”
“If I had gotten the promotion, I would be happy.”
Our thoughts cause much of our physical and emotional stress. Imagine seeing your new boyfriend with another woman. The bitter disappointment felt in your body reflects your thoughts—that he’s cheating on you or that he’s no longer interested in you and too selfish to be honest with you.
Later he calls to invite you over to meet his sister who’s in town visiting. Suddenly all the stress vanishes and you feel relief and joy, simply because your thoughts have changed. Or perhaps he really was cheating, but many months or years later, your life takes a wonderful turn and you realize how fortunate you were to leave that relationship.
Refocus your thoughts
If you could learn to think differently, much of your stress and unhappiness would vanish. If you could live your life without wishing things were not as they are and without fearing the worst, you would be more fully present to the moment and not overcome with fears about the future.
Letting go of your expectations does not mean that you shouldn’t have personal goals, that you shouldn’t have boundaries and consequences for bad behavior in your relationships, or that you shouldn’t be prepared for potential risks in the future. It means that you should stop trying to control aspects of your life that you cannot control.
Make room for the unexpected
When you actively expect the unexpected, you can more easily handle whatever comes your way with equanimity. If you are over-scheduled, then whenever something unexpected occurs, you will experience frustration. If you have no space in your life for the unexpected, then when someone calls, drops by, needs you, or when you forget something, it will cause unnecessary agitation.
Avoiding over-scheduling your life will give you room to accept the inevitable unforeseen challenges, opportunities, and adventures that life offers us. It also allows you time to relax, enjoy, be creative, and engage with other people without feeling rushed.
Accept reality
Try and enjoy or at least be accepting of whatever happens. If there’s a traffic jam on the freeway on your way to the airport, you’ll either make the plane or you won’t. You might as well make the most of the time you have in your car rather than panic.
Some of the worst disasters turn out to make the best stories. Some of the most unwanted outcomes lead to great adventures and opportunities. The more quickly you can accept the inevitable, the less time you lose fighting reality.
When you become willing to accept reality, you can base your decisions on what is rather than on what you wish were true or what you dread might be the case.
Embrace some stress
It turns out that having a moderate amount of stress as well as some control over your life is healthier and results in more happiness than having no stress or no control in your life. Thus, the goal should not be to eliminate stress but to focus primarily on things you can do something about. Taking control requires taking positive steps to deal with challenges. So, do not ignore problems, suppress stress, or allow yourself to be consumed by stress.
Taking control includes prioritizing your life and changing your situation. Equally important is relieving your stress in healthy ways such as exercising, finding a way to laugh, and relaxing with friends or family. In situations where there is no course of action to take, try slow deep breathing and consciously change your attitude and perspective about the situation.
by Dr. Alison Poulsen
“Perfect Swing” — Paula Creamer by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire
People who make and break promises are generally motivated to please other people. Ironically, by pleasing them in the moment without desiring to follow through they cause disappointment.
So how do you respond to someone who wants to get together when you might have other things you would prefer to do?
“I like to keep my weekends unplanned and play things by ear.”
“I have to see what else I have going on.”
“I’m just going to hang out at home and catch up on reading and chores.”
“I don’t have any free time this weekend.”
“I keep my weekends open so I can go windsurfing/play golf when the weather’s good.”
Rather than raise expectations, be honest about not wanting to plan ahead. This allows the other person to make other plans. You don’t have to disappoint them and you won’t dread it when they call.
Buy yourself some time. Interrupt the ‘yes’ cycle, using phrases like “I’ll get back to you,” then consider your options.
~Auliq Ice
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Read “The courage to say ‘No’: ‘I wish I hadn’t said ‘Yes,’ I just don’t have the time!’”
Read “Disappointment: ‘I’m so disappointed. How could she?’”
"Passacaglia" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Negative emotions often indicate that what we are doing is not working for us. They signify that we need to become more flexible—to change our perceptions, our expectations, or our actions.
Flexibility allows us to deal with whatever life hands us without lingering with pain and suffering more than necessary. By becoming more versatile, we can view the twists and turns in our lives as an adventure. That’s not to say that there are not certain losses and disappointments that will be extremely painful. Still, much of our suffering can be used as a signal to change our action or to view a particular experience differently.
Notice that people who enjoy traveling are adaptable. They can go with the flow or change plans if necessary. If something unexpected happens, they don’t say, “This isn’t how I viewed my trip to Spain.” They become alert and alive, and often welcome the adventure unfolding before them.
Like traveling, life is a journey full of surprises and disappointments. The more quickly we can move forward with a new approach the better.
So, when you feel hurt, ask yourself, ”How can I change my expectations of the person who has hurt me?” When you are angry, ask yourself, “What step can I take to find justice or at least to avoid that same injustice in the future?”
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
~Albert Einstein
Life is pretty simple: You do some stuff. Most fails. Some works. You do more of what works. If it works big, others quickly copy it. Then you do something else. The trick is the doing something else.
~Leonardo da Vinci
by Alison Poulsen, PhD
"Glissando" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire
Disappointment is the feeling of unhappiness caused when your hopes or expectations are not realized. You feel let down because of the belief that you’re going to miss out on something forever.
All feelings have a purpose. Disappointment calls on you to modify your expectations. It’s a sign that things should be transitioning.
If you figure out what you can learn from your experience and change your expectations, then you can move on rather than linger in disenchantment. Once you’ve assessed why your expectations were unrealistic, you won’t repeat that particular miscalculation again.
However, don’t expect to avoid experiencing disappointment again. In order to do that, you’d have to give up hopes and expectations. Life would become dull and lifeless. A fulfilling life doesn’t occur without some frustration and disappointment.
Thus, the two common mistakes to avoid are:
1. Dwelling on the disappointment, and
2. Avoiding new experiences by becoming cynical.
An old Chinese tale shows how it’s hard to know when apparent misfortune is really good fortune and vice versa:
The son of a farmer had captured several fine wild horses. The neighbors were envious and murmured about his good luck. But the farmer shrugged his shoulders — “Life has it’s ups and downs,” he said. A few days later, the son broke his leg in trying to tame one of the horses. This time the neighbors whispered about his bad luck, but the farmer just shrugged his shoulders. Another week went by and government agents came by and took along every able-bodied man to fight invaders. The farmer’s son stayed behind.
Disappointment can lead to wonderful and healthy changes. It can cause you to re-evaluate what you want. It helps to set new goals and expectations on a continuous basis. Nothing helps more than a positive attitude and expecting the best again, but with a little more realistic outlook.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
~Mark Twain
by Alison Poulsen, PhD