Tag Archives: desire

How to ask for more affection, intimacy and sex…and…how not to.

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It’s very frustrating and disheartening when affection and intimacy are lacking in a relationship. How do you talk to your partner about your desire for more romance and physical affection and intimacy without putting him or her on the defensive?

First, let’s look at how you do not want to approach your partner about your desire for more affection and intimacy in your relationship. Here are some approaches to avoid:

1. Avoid being accusatory.

2. Avoid complaining. Whining and complaining push the other person away.

3. Avoid being defeatist. Expecting the worst is weak and unattractive.

4. Avoid being self-deprecating. Insecurity and self-criticism are unappealing and a turn-off.

5. Avoid negative attacks. Attacking your partner will cause him or her to become hostile, not warm and loving.

6. Avoid the biological needs argument. If you want to increase the desire and sexual intimacy in your relationship, don’t treat your partner as an object to be used to satisfy your needs.

There are several components that are important to expressing your desire for more physical affection and intimacy.

1. Build the foundation. Don’t start at the finish line. Start at the beginning as though you are dating or courting. Build a foundation of respect, fun and romance.

2. Appreciate the positive. Appreciation and subtle flirtation throughout the day allow desire to develop.

3. Ask for feedback and listen. Find out what’s going on in your partner’s mind. Find out why he or she has lost desire for you and don’t become defensive or hostile.

4. Express your desires in a positive way. For example, “I’d like to be in a relationship that’s affectionate, romantic, fun, and where we can express our love physically.” “I’d like to be in a relationship where both partners enjoy sex.”

5. Ask for ideas and input. Find out what he or she would like to see in the relationship.

Remember that tone of voice and demeanor are more important than the words you use. Convey self-respect and self-empowerment as well as compassion and love for your partner.

If there has been a history of controlling behavior or contempt, then lack of desire will be more entrenched and counseling may be necessary.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

@alisonpoulsen
https://www.facebook.com/dralisonpoulsen

Read “Sustaining Desire: ‘It doesn’t matter. Let’s just watch TV.’”

Watch “Seven Keys To A Fantastic Relationship.”

“You never touch me! You’re not attracted to me anymore, are you?”

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"The Kiss" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“The Kiss” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

So… what I really meant was…

“I loved it when we hugged and you kissed me the other day. I love your touch. Let’s do that more often.”

Complaining is very unattractive and ineffective. If you want someone to desire you, it’s better to be appreciative of that person and show your desire for him or her. Make sure your tone of voice and demeanor are full of love and self-confidence, not neediness and insecurity.

There is an enormous difference between expressing your desires in a self-empowered way and being needy. Being needy is a turn-off. Delight and joie de vivre are alluring. If you want more affection, have a sparkle in your eye when you invite your partner to be more affectionate.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “You never kiss me anymore.”

Read “Desire: ‘I’ve got needs, but she pretends she’s asleep.’”

Read “We broke up because of sexual incompatibility.”

Read “Sensuality: ‘I’m just not a sensual person.’”

“I can’t wait to go on a vacation!”

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"Anthony's Key" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Anthony’s Key” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Research shows that most of the pleasure derived from traveling is experienced in the planning and anticipation of the trip.*
Planning a vacation involves imagining what you will feel like on the trip—whether relaxed and romantic, adventuresome and athletic, or knowledgeable and worldly, etc. When we imagine how we feel on the trip, the parts of ourselves that have been neglected come alive in hopes of being more fully expressed.

The fantasy of travel

Fantasies are deceptive in that they highlight the pleasure, novelty, and magic of what is possible, and leave out the disappointment, discomfort and difficulty you might experience during the trip. When you picture the warm breeze and swaying palm trees at the beach, you rarely imagine the frustration with airport security, flight delays, hotel cancellations, weather, noise, unexpected expenses, disappointments and bad moods. Fortunately, memories of our past tend to highlight the highs, and with some imagination and a sense of humor we can turn the misfortunes into opportunities for telling entertaining stories.

What fantasies reveal

Fantasies often reveal to us what we may be missing in our lives—literally or metaphorically. They sometimes substitute the literal object for the quality that we could benefit from developing in ourselves.

For example, someone who is very practical and goal-oriented may fantasize about sitting by the ocean and doing nothing but feeling the warmth of the sun. Someone who has a regimented daily routine may dream of adventure and spontaneity. Someone who feels his or her life is too provincial may imagine taking in the art, culture and history of foreign countries.

Using the fantasy to improve your life

We can gain a fresh look at our life by recognizing what is motivating us to take our fantasy trip. We don’t have to wait for the trip in order to begin integrating the sought-for qualities within ourselves. If we are seeking romance, for instance, we can try to do things with more excitement, passion, and love every day.

Instead of waiting until a two-week vacation, we can use our imagination to look for ways to add a little fantasy vacation into our every day life. The desire to have adventure, feel romantic, relax, or feel strong can deepen through being aware of those needs and desires. We can try to live the life we desire all year round by bringing some of those qualities into our daily life in addition to going on a fantastic vacation.

An intense anticipation itself transforms possibility into reality; our desires being often but precursors of the things which we are capable of performing.

~Samuel Smiles

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

* Research by Jeroen Nawijn from Erasmus University in Rotterdam and NHTV Breda University of Applied Sciences and his team, who are published online in Springer’s journal Applied Research in Quality of Life.

Read “Fantasies: ‘All I want is a Lamborghini! Then I’d be happy.’”

“We broke up because of sexual incompatibility.”

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"Vivace" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Sexual attraction is one of the key reasons people start dating. As individuals get to know each other, character flaws or incompatibility may start to get in the way of a harmonious relationship. Such conflict often carries itself into the bedroom, but it usually doesn’t start there.

The loss of sexual attraction may be one of the ultimate reasons for breakups. But most of the time both breakups and the the loss of sexual attraction result from underlying relationship dynamics, which have caused a sense of distance, monotony, or contempt in the relationship.

1. Distance: When couples walk on eggshells, spend no time with each other, or stop taking care of themselves either physically or emotionally, intimacy vanishes.

2. Monotony: When partners stop treating each other as attractive and special they often end up feeling like brother and sister—without desire for one another. When a couple stops making the effort to create a romantic atmosphere, the relationship becomes pedestrian.

3. Contempt: When partners criticize each other or one acts superior, the toxicity of contempt destroys love and passion. How can you feel open and confident with someone who treats you with contempt?

Sex as a window into the relationship

A couple’s sexual relationship is a window into their general relationship. Generally, one partner’s sexual disinterest or dysfunction is a symptom of the entire relationship not just the individual. Note that even in a marriage where sex has stopped, the way in which celibacy develops reveals the emotional dynamics occurring within the relationship. For example, one partner may be needy emotionally, while the other has become sexually distant, or one has become so critical or irritable that the other withdraws physically.

How does a couple rekindle desire and passion in a marriage that has grown cold?

Igniting passion is the inverse of extinguishing it. Couples need to

1. Spend some enjoyable time with each other, which means they must take care of themselves to enhance the vitality they bring to the relationship,

2. Treat each other as desirable and special, and

3. Be accepting of one another, avoiding criticism and contempt without having to hide their true thoughts and feelings.

Differentiation

“Differentiation” enables a person to break the negative patterns, which destroy passion and intimacy over the long-term. The more differentiated partners are, the more potential they have for sustaining long-term passion and intimacy.

Differentiation means having the ability to calmly withstand the tension of anxiety—anxiety caused by disagreement, vulnerability, or embarrassment. Handling anxiety without being reactive—withdrawing suddenly, lashing out angrily, or falling apart—is crucial in developing and sustaining emotional and sexual intimacy.

To sustain passion, then, couples need to move from gridlock to compassionate dialogue when issues are worth discussing. They need to actively have the intention to see the best in the other person, and to bring the best of themselves forward, particularly when the going gets rough.

Differentiation permits people to maintain their own course when lovers, friends, and family pressure them to agree and conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they’re “losing themselves,” and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered.

When partners can develop differentiation, then sexuality holds the potential for expressing profound intimacy and love.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “You never kiss me anymore.”


Read “Intimacy: ‘I want more intimacy and to feel closer to you.’”


Read “Positive Bonding Patterns: ‘We never fight, but we don’t talk anymore and there’s no more passion.’”

“How could he leave me? I did everything for him.” Being needed versus being wanted.

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"Mo' Air" Jonny Moseley by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

There are usually good intentions of love and helpfulness behind being exceptionally useful. Yet, over-functioning by “doing everything” often stems from an unconscious impulse to increase another person’s dependence on and loyalty to the relationship.

All relationships involve some degree of dependence. For most people it’s quite nice when another person helps out. Yet, as one partner does an extravagant share of the work, the other partner may start feeling engulfed and overwhelmed by the assistance. He or she may feel encumbered with a growing sense of obligation, causing desire to be with the partner to fade.

When people become highly dependent on their partners, a sense of indebtedness bordering on guilt causes passion and intimacy to suffer. While it’s important that partners are considerate and helpful, it’s equally important to avoid letting dependency and indebtedness smother desire.

Those who tend to over-function would improve their relationships by focusing more on their own enjoyment and desires and giving their partner greater breathing room and independence. This means resisting doing everything, even at the risk that some things won’t be executed as well as they like.

As Kahlil Gibran wrote in “The Prophet,”

Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Four problems with helping too much.”