Tag Archives: defensiveness

“It’s not as though I don’t do anything around here!”

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"The Kiss" by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“The Kiss” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

If someone says, “Did you see all the stuff I did for you today?” ignore your impulse to get defensive or to snap back “I do a lot for you too !” or worse, “Why do you always have to list all the things you’ve done for me!” These types of responses are very detrimental to your relationship.

When people mention the things they’ve done, they simply want acknowledgement and appreciation. Yet many people respond defensively as though they are being attacked. Even IF the other person is implying that you never do anything, show him or her the appreciation desired as follows:

“Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. You are wonderful for doing that for me.” If you want, you could add, “Please let me know when you need help. I would love to do something for you,” or simply do something considerate for them.

So many arguments could be avoided if people could understand the underlying desires that motivate a person’s apparent complaints. It is usually a simple desire for recognition, which should be a joy to satisfy, rather than an excuse to become critical, hostile and argumentative.

To have a loving, trusting, and mutually-enhancing relationship, there must be a constant effort to be kind and see the best in other people and acknowledge them for their efforts. Then everyone will shine and try to live up to their best.

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Read “Overgeneralization: ‘You never show appreciation.’”

Watch “How to ask for more affection, intimacy and sex…and…how not to.”

Read “Seeking approval: ‘Why doesn’t my father appreciate me and all that I have accomplished?’”

“Stop nagging me!”

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"Perspectives" by Mimi Stuart ©

“Perspectives” by Mimi Stuart ©

Accusing someone of nagging is an unnecessary provocation of hostility.

Even though it’s annoying to be reminded over and over again to do something, it’s best to resist getting defensive by saying “Stop nagging me.” If you respond like a child when you are treated like a child, the relationship pattern turns into an unpleasant parent/child dynamic: the disappointed parent trying to control the sullen or rebellious child.

Instead, you can avoid this dreaded pattern if you continue to act like an adult by asserting boundaries while showing compassion. Try to use understanding and reason while being honest about your needs. Simply because somebody wants you to do something doesn’t mean you have to do it. However, relationships thrive only with candid, respectful and honest communication. Be clear. Let the person know if you plan to do the thing being asked later or simply don’t want to do it.

Here are some examples of how to respond. More important than the specific wording is your tone of voice.

I heard you. Unfortunately I won’t have time to do that any time soon. Perhaps you can take care of it.

Or

I know you have good intentions but I need to tell you that I feel like a child when you tell me several times what you want me to do. Please just ask once.

Or

I plan to get it done tomorrow. When you repeat yourself, I get very defensive. It would be helpful if you would resist repeating it.

Or

I first want to finish what I’m doing. Please don’t ask me again.

When people repeat themselves and tell others what to do, it may be that they are frustrated by not knowing whether you remember what they’ve asked. So it helps to be clear about whether and when you are willing to help.

Or it may be that they are projecting their own anxiety onto those around them. If you respond with hostility, the anxious person will feel justified in thinking that you are the cause of his or her anxiety.

If on the other hand you remain calm and reasonable, and speak with candor and self-confidence, the anxious person is less likely to spiral into increased anxiety. Harmony can more easily be restored.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Stop nagging me about watching the game!”

Read “Defensiveness: ‘What do you mean by that? You’re always attacking me!’”

Read “Compassionate Confrontation: ‘He said he’d spend more time with me, but has not followed through.’”

“YOU were yelling at ME!!”

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"Music of the Skies" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

“My reaction was too extreme. I’m sorry.”

We’re all human. Reactivity is not going to suddenly disappear. But we CAN become quicker in apologizing and resist continuing the blame game. That way we can get back to living the life we desire.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Defensiveness: What do you mean by that?!”

Defensiveness:
“What do you mean by that? You’re always attacking me!”

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"ICE" Jarome Iginla by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

It is important to be able to stand up and defend yourself. However, the best defense does not involve acting defensively.

Being defensive means you are overly sensitivity to criticism, and are anxious to challenge or avoid it. Unfortunately, showing anxiety in the face of criticism weakens your position and often invites further criticism.

Here are three reasons not to be defensive:

1. Defensiveness weakens you and empowers the hostile person. Showing that you are anxious in the face of criticism indicates that you buy into the attack or criticism being made. Giving a heated response to a comment or criticism can make you look guilty, and gives the assailant power over you.

2. Defensiveness causes a vicious cycle of anger and hurt, resulting in escalating personal attacks. You paradoxically invite the other person to increase his or her efforts to get an explanation or apology, or make a connection, however negative it may be.

3. Defensive strategies hinder open communication and understanding between partners, and they certainly do not enhance goodwill and romance.

I’m not suggesting that you become a doormat. You might need to establish firm boundaries, but you can do so without becoming defensive. Answering comments or criticisms with less emotional heat diminishes the likelihood of hurtful, unproductive conflict.

If your emotions are getting the better of you, you can say, “I feel defensive right now. I need to calm down before discussing this. Otherwise, nothing good will come out of this discussion.” Notice that saying you feel defensive shows more self-control than acting defensively.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I can’t deal with my husband’s anger.”

Read “Dealing with angry people.”