Tag Archives: defensive

Communicating with “I” Statements:
“You’re wrong!”

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"Laser Straight" — Sergio Garcia by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“I see it differently. What I understood was…”

Change the “you” message to an “I” message. If you say what you currently see, think, or feel using an “I” message with an adult tone of voice, as opposed to a child or parental tone of voice, you’ll have a much better time getting your message across effectively.

Limit your “I” statements to the facts and your feelings, while trying to avoid judgments. Saying “I think you’re an idiot,” for example, is a “you” statement in disguise, and therefore a negative judgment, inviting animosity and antagonism, instead of clarification and conciliation.

On the other hand, it’s hard to become defensive or disagree when people explain their viewpoints from a personal standpoint, “I understood…,” “I believe…,” or “I want….” This kind of communication encourages dialogue instead of diatribe.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “That’s wrong. I totally disagree.”

Read “Improving Relationships.”

Overgeneralization:
“You never show appreciation.”

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"Precision" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Seeing patterns and generalizing from them is a crucial human skill. Scientists, business owners, and most capable people develop the ability to spot patterns in human behavior.

Yet, sometimes we make sweeping generalizations that exaggerate or oversimplify reality. Taking one unfortunate incident and jumping to conclusions can create problems.

Even if someone does tend to repeat certain types of behavior, it is not helpful to make overgeneralizations. People get defensive when you say, “You never show appreciation.” “You spend all your time with your friends instead of with me.” “You always interrupt me.”

It’s more effective to be specific and talk about one incident at a time. Limit yourself to specific facts, and focus on a desired solutions.

For instance, if you seek appreciation, you can ask, “Isn’t this dinner I cooked delicious?”

Instead of complaining about someone’s frequent absence, you could suggest, “I’d like to spend some time with you. When can we get together?”

To get someone to stop interrupting, you could say, “Please let me finish” each time you’re interrupted.

Specific positive requests are more likely to get you what you want than gross generalizations.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Black-and-white thinking. ‘I used to think she was fantastic. But it was all a façade. She’s really horrible.'”

Defensiveness:
“What do you mean by that? You’re always attacking me!”

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"ICE" Jarome Iginla by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

It is important to be able to stand up and defend yourself. However, the best defense does not involve acting defensively.

Being defensive means you are overly sensitivity to criticism, and are anxious to challenge or avoid it. Unfortunately, showing anxiety in the face of criticism weakens your position and often invites further criticism.

Here are three reasons not to be defensive:

1. Defensiveness weakens you and empowers the hostile person. Showing that you are anxious in the face of criticism indicates that you buy into the attack or criticism being made. Giving a heated response to a comment or criticism can make you look guilty, and gives the assailant power over you.

2. Defensiveness causes a vicious cycle of anger and hurt, resulting in escalating personal attacks. You paradoxically invite the other person to increase his or her efforts to get an explanation or apology, or make a connection, however negative it may be.

3. Defensive strategies hinder open communication and understanding between partners, and they certainly do not enhance goodwill and romance.

I’m not suggesting that you become a doormat. You might need to establish firm boundaries, but you can do so without becoming defensive. Answering comments or criticisms with less emotional heat diminishes the likelihood of hurtful, unproductive conflict.

If your emotions are getting the better of you, you can say, “I feel defensive right now. I need to calm down before discussing this. Otherwise, nothing good will come out of this discussion.” Notice that saying you feel defensive shows more self-control than acting defensively.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I can’t deal with my husband’s anger.”

Read “Dealing with angry people.”

Jealous Partner:
“How can you be so jealous! You’re being ridiculous.”

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"Wailing Sax" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

A jealous partner may have experienced abandonment in his or her life and be easily triggered. Getting angry won’t help the situation.

Try to have compassion. “You sound jealous. I want you to know you are the most important person to me. There is nobody else and there is nobody who compares.”

If jealousy continues to be an ongoing problem without any basis to it, tell the jealous person that the suspicions are hurtful and are causing you to feel defensive and to want to withdraw, and that is not good for the relationship. Ask her to focus on her desires and not her fears in the relationship. Try to be understanding in that this is about her insecurity. While being considerate and reassuring, don’t start constricting your life to pander to her fears, if they are unreasonable.

by Alison Poulsen

Read “Control Kills Passion.”