Tag Archives: defense mechanism

“When she gets angry, I feel overwhelmed and have to withdraw.”

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"Take Off" — Blue Angels by Mimi Stuart © Live the Life you Desire

“Take Off” — Blue Angels by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

People react to conflict, anxiety and disapproval in different ways. Some people become bossy and directive, some get angry and attack others, and some become defensive. Others feel overwhelmed and either freeze or withdraw emotionally or physically.

People who withdraw may do so because they do not know how to respond or they get flooded with emotion. People who feel overwhelmed when they seem to be attacked are unable to think rationally and to express themselves in an articulate way. Often withdrawing is a response to the feeling of helplessness and fear – it is a defense mechanism developed to protect a person.

However, withdrawal often triggers feelings of abandonment and hostility in the other person. The more outspoken or argumentative person may view the withdrawal as a passive-aggressive punishment directed at him or her.

Explain your behavior

If someone is raging, repetitive, mean, or unreasonable, it may be best to withdraw. If you need to withdraw from conflict simply because you feel overwhelmed, it is best to say something to the other person before walking away. For example,

“I can’t discuss this clearly right now. I need to take a break.”

“Please let’s stop for a while.”

“Give me a moment. I’ll be back.”

“I’m feeling overwhelmed.”

At a moment when there is no conflict, it’s very helpful to explain to the other person how you are feeling when you withdraw. Let him or her know that you are not trying to be hurtful by walking away. Rather, you feel overwhelmed and unable to think or discuss anything rationally and clearly. “I need a moment to clear my head.”

Avoidance

Some people choose to step away from discussions to avoid a difficult issue. Sometimes it’s best to buy yourself time to think about an issue. Yet when you consistently avoid difficult discussions, the issues will often become more problematic, and people with whom you’re in relationship will become increasingly frustrated with you.

Self-awareness

When you become aware of your anxiety-management systems, you have the opportunity to gradually become stronger and more capable of handling difficult situations. If someone is angry, but not out of control, practice remaining calm without leaving immediately. See if you can withstand a little more discomfort without becoming overwhelmed. Have some responses readily available to state in a calm manner, such as,

“I’d like to hear what you’re saying. Can you explain that again in a more positive way.”

“I feel criticized. Could you rephrase that?”

“I feel defensive. Let’s start over again and remember I’m on your side.”

“I need a moment. Please be quiet for a moment and listen to me.”

“I think we could have a more productive conversation if we kept our voices down.”

With an awareness of what triggers you, you can gradually control the withdrawal process. Instead, you can thoughtfully choose whether to comply, withdraw, or assert yourself, among other possible responses. Sometimes it is best to withdraw, but it’s nice to feel as though you have a choice and can control your behavior in any situation. You will feel more powerful and others will sense it as well.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “The courage to say ‘No’: ‘I wish I hadn’t said ‘Yes,’ I just don’t have the time!’”

Read “To fight or not to fight: ‘After a fight, we barely talk to each other for days.’”

“My parent didn’t care about me.” How we develop Defense Mechanisms (Part II)

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"Kiai" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

Generally, people experience a parent as either too involved or not involved enough. In the first case, the parent may seem controlling, overwhelming, or hovering. In the second case, a parent may seem indifferent, abandoning, or not present.

It is normal to develop mild defense mechanisms even with good parenting. These defenses are healthy when used consciously. However, they limit our choices when we react unconsciously or in an extreme way.

A child can develop defense mechanisms to the under-involved parent. Abandonment includes not only the indifference of the parent, but also environmental insufficiency, for instance, poverty, prejudice, or a wartime childhood.

Children tend to engage in magical thinking, which says to them that the world around them is a message about them.” If my mother neglects me, or I am poor and never have enough food, I must be unworthy and bad.” There are four typical responses to a sense of lack, the first two of which involve internalizing poor self-esteem.*

1. Self-sabbotage: Patterns of self-sabotage develop as a way to confirm poor self-esteem—that I am not worthy of success, happiness or good things happening. The child feels a certain comfort in the familiarity of continuing to fail.

2. Grandiosity: Some people over-compensate for an unconscious sense of poor self-esteem. They try to prove they are worthwhile by driving an expensive car, having a big house, achieving many milestones, and/or developing an impressive outer appearance. If all one’s effort is spent in these pursuits, little time is left for less showy and more personal fulfillment.

3. Serving the narcissist: A chronic sense of emptiness leads children to serve the narcissistic parents, who are stage-door mothers or hockey-team fathers. Even when the child makes the parent proud, there’s a feeling of lack in the relationship. The parent is simply unable to relate to the child other than to use his or her accomplishments to feed the parent’s narcissism. Even after growing up, the narcissist’s child experiences a sense of living someone else’s life.

4. Neediness: Through an inordinate search for reassurance or pats on the back the needy person seeks to feel worthwhile. The birth of addictions can occur as an attempt to manage anxiety by connection. For instance, excessive materialism, serial relationships, and distraction result from a longing to satiate. The longing never stops as the human spirit is never satisfied in these ways.

While our defense mechanisms originally served to help us survive or thrive in our childhood environment, as adults, reflexive responses disempower us. Once we recognize that a defense mechanism may imprison us, we can begin to think twice before acting and make new choices to live the life we desire.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

*Reference and recommended reading and seminars: James Hollis, PhD, Author and Senior Jungian Analyst

Read
“Family visits: ‘I feel overwhelmed thinking about my family visiting next week.’”

Read “‘My parent was controlling.’ How we develop Defense Mechanisms (Part I)”

“My parent was controlling.” How we develop Defense Mechanisms (Part I)

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"Musical Gems" by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

It is surprising how many of the “choices” we make are not by choice at all. We are frequently driven by unconscious forces. These responses were programmed out of necessity when as children we were trying to get our needs met.

Generally, people experience their parents as either too engulfing or indifferent. Depending on their personality, children of a strong parent who is engulfing/controlling/hovering tend to develop one of the following belief systems:

1. The compliant person believes “I should be sweet, self-sacrificing, and saintly.”
2. The aggressive person says “I should be powerful, recognized, and a winner.”
3. The withdrawing person believes “I should be independent, aloof, and perfect.”

1. Compliance: While accommodation is sometimes appropriate, it is not okay when it becomes reflexive and automatic. An emotional chameleon ceases to have personal integrity. In extreme cases, compliant people feel they have no will of their own. They become totally dependent on what others think, expect and want of them. This can lead to harm of oneself and others.

2. Power Complex: Assertive behavior is an attempt to try to get control. We need to be self-empowered. But when power becomes one-sided or unconscious, it becomes aggressive and problematic. In the extreme you get the sociopath who must be in total control and disregards the welfare of others. Dictators exhibit the power complex in the extreme.

3. Avoidance: The withdrawing person steps away from anything threatening, and suppresses reflection about difficult issues. This is sometimes a wise move, but not when it is done without conscious choice or in every situation. Whenever there is avoidance, the unconscious perceives that the Other is a large and powerful force and that he or she is not. In extreme cases, a person may become disconnected from reality or even dissociative.

Why bother figuring out what anxiety-management systems we use? The moment we become aware of our automatic psychological reflexes, we open up the opportunity to make genuine choices. Ask yourself what these responses cause you to do and prevent you from doing? Where are you stuck?

With awareness of our unconscious belief systems, we can thoughtfully choose whether to comply, withdraw, or assert ourselves, among other possible responses, depending on the situation, rather than having the same knee-jerk reaction in every situation. When we start responding differently, we can transform our old patterns to new adventures of our choosing.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “How we develop Defense Mechanisms Part 2 ‘My Parent didn’t care about me'”

Read “She’s just like my mother! — so weak!” “He’s just like my father — so controlling!”

Reference and recommended reading and seminars: James Hollis, PhD, Author and Senior Jungian Analyst