Tag Archives: dating

Bragging on a First Date:
“I graduated with honors, won the state championship in tennis, and drive a Ferrari.”

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"Capriccio" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Bragging backfires

People brag in order to impress others. However, reciting your resumé and accomplishments on a first date actually can do the opposite. It suggests that you are compensating for low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. It also attracts people who want you to pull them into a false sense of superiority.

Enjoy the conversation

1. Retain some mystery. It’s actually more impressive and fun to meet someone who remains a mystery and who prefers engaging in conversation rather than in impressing others.

2. Relax. Instead of flashing your credentials and flexing your muscles, relax and be yourself. Be curious without interviewing aggressively. Balance talking and listening.

3. Be honest. If you disagree with an opinion, say so diplomatically.

4. Feel good about yourself. Flirting is healthy—although you don’t need to go overboard.

5. Take it easy. Getting to know someone is like dancing together for the first time. If you jump into your fanciest moves without getting a feel for your dance partner first, you will be dancing on your own.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Symptoms of Narcissism.”

The Harsh Inner Critic:
“I told her I love her on the first date. I am such an idiot.”

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“Faces” by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

We all have an inner critic, which is necessary to stop us from engaging in illegal or unethical behavior and saying outrageous things. However, a tyrannical inner critic can be debilitating and lead to feelings of inadequacy and depression, preventing full participation in life.

Most people have an inner critic that can be abrasive in just a couple of select areas, interfering with their ability to enjoy life in those areas by insisting that they are not good enough, attractive enough, or smart enough. When the inner critic becomes abusive in any area of life, we need to tone it down, put it into perspective, and transform it into an encouraging supporter. Self-criticism is most useful when we consider our mistakes and use them as lessons to help guide us in the future.

So every time you say, “I’m an idiot,” “I totally blew it again,” or any other self-demeaning phrase, follow it with a positive phrase, such as, “No one’s perfect,” “Everyone who tries makes mistakes” or use a helpful and constructive thought, such as “Next time I won’t say I love someone on the first date. At least I’m romantic.”

Regarding your declaration of love on a first date, there is a happy medium in healthy relationships between being emotionally withdrawn and sharing every fleeting feeling. Next time, just enjoy the feeling of infatuation at least until the third date. Keep in mind, there are a lot worse things than announcing you’re in love on the first date.

by Alison Poulsen

Watch “Quieting a Harsh Inner Critic.”

“Why didn’t you call me? I’ve been waiting to see if we’re getting together tonight.”

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"Vibrancy" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you have definite plans, call the person to verify the time. Or if you want to make plans, call, be cool, be positive.

But if you are simply hoping that a guy or girl likes you and will follow through with a promise, then keep wondering, and in the mean time, live your life. Don’t wait for the phone call. Don’t check your text messages too often. Keep your own life engaged. You’re only as interesting as the depths of your own interests. Pursue your passions, work, and keep meeting people. Enjoy your friends; enjoy your solitude. Vibrancy is more attractive than desperation.

And definitely don’t call to complain!

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Pursuit and Distancing; Intimacy vs. Needing Space.”