Tag Archives: criticism

Narcissism Part 3 (of 5): “You are the smartest kid ever!” Avoid raising narcissistic children.

Posted on by
1

"Olympic Adonis" Michael Phelps by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Children who grow up to be narcissistic adults seek praise as addicts seek their drug of choice—in increasing quantities from anyone who will give it to them. Neglect, abuse, harsh criticism, and erratic or exaggerated praise can lead children to feel unloved for being who they are. To avoid raising a narcissist, a parent needs to be present, empathetic, accepting, and consistently responsive to the young child’s needs.

1. Presence

We can be busy most of the day but it’s important to take some time every day to simply enjoy your young child. When you have a child on your lap while talking on the phone, you’re not present to the child. The mental/emotional presence is the important factor, even for an infant. Ultimately, spending time and playing with a child is one of the most fulfilling things we can do.

2. Empathy

Showing empathy when children express their feelings and ideas allows them to develop empathy for themselves, and eventually for others as well. Parents shouldn’t deny, downplay, or redirect their children’s feelings. Nor should they overreact when children disagree or share experiences. Otherwise, they will develop shame and learn to hide their opinions and experiences in the future.

3. Consistently responsive to the child’s needs

Parents should become aware of ways in which they project their own needs for status or convenience onto their children. By becoming aware of our own biases and desires, we can become more open to really listening to what the child needs and desires. This doesn’t mean becoming an indulgent parent; it simply means being open to the fact that our children are distinct individuals. So, rather than projecting on them our own desires that they become football quarterbacks or Olympic stars, we can allow them to develop their own direction.

4. Acceptance

Accepting children means interacting with them without constantly judging them positively or negatively. When we play referee with regard to every action they take, we miss out on really knowing and loving our children.

Excessive praise often causes kids to secretly fear being found out that they are not really as talented or smart as thought. The child may also hyper-inflate the importance of the attributes praised, while neglecting or concealing other perceived weaknesses.

While parents have to have expectations and give guidance, children should not be made to feel that they can’t do anything right. Criticism is much more effective when it’s constructive and given in reasonably small doses.

No parent is perfect. But if, for the most part, we can provide guidance while be accepting of our children, they are likely to become compassionate, authentic, and self-reflective adults.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read Narcissism Part 4: Celebrity, Power, and Prestige.

References: “Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders.”

“I’m shocked at how much I criticize my Dad for letting other people walk all over him and for not standing up for himself.”

Posted on by
2

"Bicicletas para Acquilar" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

I suspect your dad’s behavior stems from a deep belief that he is not worthy of being cared for and loved. Feelings of inadequacy often result when a person never received real affection or acknowledgement from their own parents. People who have in their own mind “disappointed” their parents often set themselves up to perpetuate the cycle of disappointing others.

The intention behind your criticism seems to be the positive desire that your dad become self-empowered. To convey to him that he should have faith in himself and deserves more, you probably express yourself with passion.

However, passionate encouragement can be taken the wrong way. The words are meant to be convincing and uplifting: “You deserve better. Stop letting people walk all over you!” Yet, the vigor of the remarks may be heard by him as one more example of how he disappoints others: “You’re always disappointing me. You’re never good enough.” Although there is some truth to both parts of the message, the latter part exacerbates the vicious cycle of inadequacy.

Often, the most compelling thing we can do, particularly with adult relatives, is to accept them without trying to change them, warts and all. Being kind and having a sense of humor—not the mean sarcastic type—are often the best ways to show love and acceptance.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I feel so critical of my partner. I can’t help pointing out every flaw.”

“People are always criticizing me.”

Posted on by
5

“Alec” by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

If you are frequently criticized for a particular trait, you might consider whether people have a point. But if you seem to generally bring out the critical side of people, it could be that you are influencing this pattern by your demeanor.

As we grow up, we learn to anticipate how people are going to treat us before we actually interact. That anticipation makes it more likely that things will happen the way we expect. Our facial expressions and body language convey our expectations, and people tend to respond as we expect them to.

If you are used to being criticized, you anticipate feeling hurt and dejected. Just before an interaction, you may start reacting by slight cringing, looking down, or looking unsure. When people subliminally notice dejected body language, it often brings out their critical side.

It may be time to purposely change those expectations and corresponding body language. At first, you can simply pretend that you expect to be accepted and appreciated, rather than criticized. In other words, when you approach others, anticipate the positive. Facial expressions that convey confidence, anticipating acceptance, tend to induce a favorable response.

Once people start responding more positively, you’ll no longer need to pretend to expect the best. It will come naturally.

by Alison Poulsen PhD

Read “I’m really upset about my child being made fun of at school.”
Watch “Quieting a Harsh Inner Critic.”

“I feel so critical of my partner. I can’t help pointing out every flaw.”

Posted on by
6

"Baby I love your Way" Peter Frampton by Mimi Stuart Live the Life you Desire

There are three important reasons to look for the positive in your partner. First, how you treat other people becomes who you are. Would you rather be understanding, supportive, appreciative and optimistic, or critical, stern, mean-spirited, and nit-picking? When you push yourself to act respectfully and overlook unimportant flaws, you will feel much better about yourself.

Second, how you judge others affects the way they behave and view themselves. When you point out how sloppy and clumsy another person is, those traits will become magnified. If, instead, you focus on their good qualities, they will tend to reflect those qualities.

Third, constant criticism will wreck a relationship and make you both miserable.

If you tend to be critical, you have to purposely develop the habit of appreciating the good in others. The neuro-plasticity of our brains allows us to change, but it requires a lot of practice. Every time you think, “What a slob,” you must force yourself to think and even express a different thought about the person, such as, “You are always there for me and the kids.” After 2000 or so thought switches, it becomes almost natural to change that particular thought. It also becomes easier to see the good in people around you, because they will thrive in an environment of appreciation.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Criticism and Contempt.”

Read “I’m shocked how much I criticize my dad for not standing up for himself.”