Tag Archives: criticism

Motivating Change:
“I can’t stop criticizing my partner.”

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“Mother Teresa” by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

It takes tremendous will power to change our unwanted habits and behavior. One way to boost your will power is by imagining what your future will be like after five or ten more years of criticizing your partner. Not only will your partner feel demoralized, you will feel terrible about yourself, which means you’ll have an unhappy marriage that might end in divorce.

If you have children, you will want to avoid being a rolemodel of disrespect and misery. Otherwise, your child will likely learn to emulate either your attitude of contemptuous disapproval or your partner’s downtrodden subjugation and acquiescence.

The Deathbed Perspective

Imagining the future puts urgency into your actions on a daily basis. The clear awareness that life is limited brings into focus the significance of each fleeting moment and the importance of avoiding unkind behavior. When you imagine yourself on your deathbed, you realize that time is precious and that the way you live every day greatly impacts the vitality of your life and relationships.

While a critical comment here or there may not change the relationship, the accumulation of recurring criticism will dramatically impact your long-term relationships, your health, and your enjoyment of life. A bitter relationship and a miserable life are often the result of an accrual of belittling interactions and negative communication. It takes will power and discipline on a daily basis to practice the habits that will allow you to achieve a sustainable, loving and meaningful relationship.

Love as Intentional

After the initial infatuation between two people, love is not simply a feeling that will magically maintain itself over the long-term. Ongoing love requires intentional loving energy and respectful action. Keeping the fact that life is fleeting in your conscious awareness can motivate you to avoid being reactive and negative in your interaction with loved ones. By keeping in mind the long-term effect of mindless negative habits, such as belittling your spouse, you will feel motivated to change these insidious habits.

When tempted to criticize, stop yourself and think, “If I continue to treat my partner with contempt and criticism, our relationship will become loveless, stifling, and full of resentment. No one is perfect. I will only criticize when I can do so from a position of love and in a positive life-enhancing manner. I’ll know if I’m doing it right by the response I get from my partner.”

Criticism vs. Dialogue

I am not suggesting that you ignore problems. Constructive problem-solving and compassionate dialogue are different from negative criticism. Constructive dialogue builds upon acceptance and compassion, while negative criticism limits our ability to connect and find creative solutions together.

The deathbed perspective causes us to focus on what is possible in our lives and relationships. If we take a moment to imagine ourselves at the end of our lives, our older self would probably tell us not to squander a minute, but to live each day wholeheartedly and courageously, to move forward in the face of fear, and to remember that it is the small actions and non-actions that make up who we are.

When you stay aware of what is at stake, you can develop better relationships while adding meaning to your life. A great life is not accidental but is built from the many courageous steps we take to become the person we want to be.

Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do… but how much love we put in that action. Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.

~Mother Teresa

by Dr. Alison Poulsen

Reference and Recommended: “The Tools” by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels.

Read “Changing Relationship Dynamics.”

Read “Giving Advice: ‘She never listens to me.’”

Read “Inner Critics attract Critical Partners: ‘Why does my partner criticize me all the time?’”

“How could you be so idiotic as to rear-end that car!”

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"Veloce" Dean Hall by Mimi Stuart ©
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“Why don’t you talk to the other driver and see if the passengers are okay. I’ll look up the number for the insurance company for you.”

Focus on what to do rather than what went wrong. Particularly in situations where the incident will have its own natural consequences, the lesson is powerful enough without the added burden of lectures and recriminations from you.

If the driver is your child, make sure you let him or her handle the phone calls — supervised if necessary — and pay for any increased car insurance premiums. Those are life lessons that a young adult should not be shielded from.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Road Rage: ‘That blankety-blank cut me off! I’ll show him!!'”

“What’s with your hair? You look ridiculous!”

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"You can't resist it" — Lyle Lovett by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

So what I really meant was…

“Interesting hairdo. Very creative.”

Tend to your own feelings of embarrassment rather than presiding over other people’s hair.

If someone asks for your opinion, that’s a different story. Or if you know the person is open to your opinion, go ahead and give advice, “I prefer it when you comb your hair.” But usually it’s best to allow others the autonomy to try harmless expressions of individuality that compete with the Cindy Lauper, Lady Gaga, or even Nick Nolte look, if they want to.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “Boundaries: ‘Hey, how’s your dinner?’—Jab of the Fork.”

Read “I feel so critical of my partner. I can’t help pointing out every flaw.”

Inspire vs. Pushing:
“Why don’t you just believe in yourself!”

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"First Putt" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

When we believe in others more than they believe in themselves, we want to push them to become what we see in them. Our intentions are noble; our passion authentic.

The trouble is that children and adults alike are likely to perceive excessive urging as criticism and disappointment, which to some degree it is. Rather than responding with “Yes, you’re right. I can do this,” they are likely to think, “I am disappointing others again. I am never good enough.”

Pushing, even with good intentions, minimizes the importance of autonomy and inner motivation. Excessive pushing also tends to trigger resistance.

Encouraging words are more likely to be taken in and believed when they are spoken earnestly but without excessive force. It’s fine to say, “You can do it,” but it’s best to avoid bringing exaggerated heat and repetition to that encouragement. That which proves too much, proves nothing!

As Dean Rusk said, “One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears – by listening to them.” The basis for any persuasion is understanding what motivates the other person. Inspiration comes from example and true friendship or at least a respectful relationship.

Far better to live your own path imperfectly than to live another’s perfectly.

~Bhagavad Gita

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “I’m shocked how much I criticize my dad for letting other people walk all over him.”

Inner Critics attract Critical Partners: “Why does my partner criticize me all the time?”

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"Grace" by Mimi Stuart
Live the Life you Desire

Some people are critical of others, while others are more critical of themselves.

Self-critical people

People who have been severely criticized while growing up often develop an excessively harsh inner critic. They are primed to accept criticism, even when it is given disrespectfully, as they are the first to see their own flaws.

If they criticize themselves for being awkward or unintelligent, for example, they are ready to believe it when other people make those same criticisms. In fact, people’s attitudes toward themselves unconsciously invite others to see them the way they see themselves.

Critical people

Generally, extremely critical people project their feelings of discomfort onto the world around them. On the positive side, they become expert in finding ways to improve things. On the negative side, they become expert at finding flaws in others.

In the beginning couples aren’t polarized into critical and self-critical extremes. The critical partner might simply be sharing insight in an attempt to improve life while the self-critical partner might enjoy being accommodating.

Eventually, however, harsh criticism hinders improvement more than it encourages it, because it creates so much tension and anxiety.

Moderating The Inner Critic

In order to stop putting up with judgmental or destructive behavior from others, we must become aware of and tone down our own inner critic. Ideally we want to moderate an overbearing inner critic so that it becomes more of a cheerleader for us, supporting and encouraging the beauty and strength within.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Read “What do you mean by that? You’re always attacking me.”